happy
@ 8:34 p.m.
omg what the fuck has happened to this website? i don't know why andrew bothered to update this new look, and then it's hilarious cause you come to the add an entry page, wondering what new style this will look like, and then it's like the same as it has looked, so remind me again why there was a point in updating that new look again? at first glance, i thought it might've been a chance to revamp and maybe get new people to join, gain a little popularity back so to speak, but it seems that's not what it was at all. i see people's diaryland entries listed on the main page that were from two days ago, not a few hours. i kinda just don't get it. if diaryland really wants to spice it up to try to get more people in, it's gotta completely revamp. otherwise, i honestly think diaryland is fine the way it is... kind of like a lost art that nobody cares for anymore, but for those that do, that nostalgia factor is pretty high up there. i certainly would feel a loss if diaryland were to change (also god forbid just being gone) but i also get it. this has been going on for like 20 years, it's kind of amazing really. i'd love for it to stay up forever, but i can't imagine that andrew will just keep paying for the databytes, when the users aren't paying shit. especially when there's not even enough users anymore to be worth paying for. i know i'm not helping matters any by writing in here once a year, but hey maybe a second entry might happen. maybe. after all, nostalgia factor.
so the background image is shit because apparently photobucket is now shit. they make you pay money now, just like all those other image hosting websites used to, expect they did it when it was cool to do it. now, after so many years they decide to spring this shit on me? and i have absolutely no idea where to find imagine hosting after being out of the game for so fucking long. thanks a lot photobucket. for a few minutes there, before i started typing in here, i was going to say i gotta fix this layout because this shit is unreadable, and that's just fucking annoying. but I'm badly out of practice to be honest, and it would take me awhile to figure it out, and on top of that, I don't know what kind of layout would look best imageless. It's been a long time so I've done any layout stuff. So anyway, I really wanted to get in an entry today, which is why I came here in the first place.
It has come to my attention that I'm happy. It's a weird thing to say maybe, but I want to point this out and hopefully remember this feeling, and I want to reiterate to myself and also write it aloud so to speak, that I'm really grateful for it. I know I'm so lucky. I don't expect that I'll always be this lucky, in fact sometimes I worry that I'm too lucky, and something terrible might happen (but those thoughts don't really last long). For so long, I've said that all I want in life is happiness, and it seemed so unachievable before, but I've come to realize that I've been focusing on only one kind of happiness before, and it's the kind of happiness that I used have in high school, when it was filled with terrible drama and depressing lows and exuberant highs. I'm now realizing that the reason why I thought I was so happy was because the change in low and high made it a huge difference, so if I was slowly becoming less unhappy and then that eventually turned to pretty happy, and then just ecstatic, well, I'm guessing that kind of happiness made an impact on me and lead me to believe that's what happiness was. It's not like I had anything previous to this kind of experience to base happiness on.
And for the last few years, everything was really steady, and it was really boring too in that sense. I had my every day job, we lived in that shitty apartment (spoilers, we bought a house), and my brother lived with us there and was causing some minor problems, money was especially tight in the beginning, and honestly, we were kind of learning the world in the beginning. So yeah, it was easy to get lost in all of it, and everything becomes like a boring blur. Well, I suppose there was some highlights, like when we went on vacation all those times and sightseeing is just the best. But I guess because there were still some shitty aspects, overall I was still not satisfied.
Maybe that's what happiness is, satisfaction, because that's exactly what I feel. Both of us have great jobs, and yes, it's definitely not perfect, there's some issues there, but there are so many great benefits, it would be really pitiful if we nitpicked to that kind of fine detail. I couldn't have asked for a better mate. For some reason, I always get flabbergasted when I try to think of the reasons why I love him. There are so many things to list, but overall, I feel like we're so in sync and understand each other so well. I truly feel like he's my other half. It's this kind of feeling that makes me know this is perfect. This feeling, this kind of relationship that we have, could've only been built between us (because everyone behaves differently on one issue or another), this is what I love, and I recognize that this can only happen between us, so maybe in some crazy way, I love the feeling and therefore I'm forced to love him, but I don't like thinking of it like that. I think that this special bond we created was only because we were perfect together. I used to wonder if I would've loved anyone deeper than that first love, cause you know, everyone says you have a special spot for your first, but I'm beginning to think that it was different. I'm completely OK having to go through that again, even multiple times. I'm not OK with losing C. I would be beyond devastated. I absolutely would not know how I would go on, and I question whether I would even bother to try. Just try imagine losing a part of you, life would just be so dull knowing how great it used to be, wondering if you'll ever get that again. Is life even worth living for if you don't feel that way again? That's why I wonder sometimes if we didn't have kids, and something happened to C, would I kill myself? Anyway, now that we've moved into our beautiful new home, which we bought last summer (it finalized early August), life is utterly perfect. I've even begun connecting with my mom better. I've been calling her every day (or sometimes I will "text the day off") and I'm actually enjoying it... lol, at the very least I'm not bothered by it. I think the enjoying will eventually get there. I guess if something could be better, it would be my weight, and maybe health in general. If I could get fit, that would really be the cherry on time. I would really worry at that point if life went that well for me. However, I am making strides towards it, by first eating less. C and I have been ordering food, having it delivered to our house, nearly every night, or probably around 5 nights a week. But then, on the weekends, we go out to eat too, so yeah, we've been overeating like crazy. I started us on Hello Fresh though (they deliver ingredients and recipes for you to make), and the food is amazing and delicious! I'm eating less because I save some of the food for breakfast the next day. It seems like the food I order out never tastes as good the next day and it always makes me finish it in one sitting. For some reason, Hello Fresh's food still tastes pretty decent the next day so yeah, so far it's working out great. I might change to 4 day instead of 3. also health-wise, I wonder about myself, I'm still smoking weed every day, and it's been going on for about 2 years. I smoke a lot sometimes... I wonder a lot if that's maybe unhealthy... I'm lucky c doesn't say anything about it.
Oh yeah, I also briefly wanted to touch upon what I was writing about last time. We totally lost that court case, because our lawyer was absolute shit. I don't want to get into it anymore since it's such old news, but I was definitely not pleased. Anyway, the bigger issue (up until last month that is) was that my mom was getting sued for injuries caused in her apartment. It's somewhat bullshit because that tenant is fishy as hell. My mom had been worried about it for so long, because she didn't know what kind of outcome would happen. It's not something we've ever gone through. She was worried he'd sue for like a million or something. Finally, they told us in early January they were going to settle. Plaintiff asked for $100k, which was within our policy amount so we don't have to pay anything out of our pockets. My mom was so relieved. I feel like this is going to be a great year. I've really got nothing to complain about and I'm really happy. I just worry about when I'm going to come down. I can't remember the last time I've been on this kind of high and for so long... it's been ever so slightly getting better and better.
Today's my birthday. The best part of it was that we didn't really do too much out of the ordinary. It was filled with really simple things, and it made it great. Great day at work, with cheesecake and ice cream, some balloons at my desk made a lot of passerbys say happy birthday to me. coming home to my lovely house. and then c's cooking me dinner tonight. tomorrow he's taking me to some mystery event. really curious what it will be... anyway, i'm glad i got this in before midnight.