<< 04-20-20 >>

Re: Indecision2009

@ 4:08 p.m.

I realized a little while ago that it's been more than a decade since what I called indecision2009. I can honestly say that I've completely gotten over Jeff. I think that was a really tough year for me, and in particular my relationship with c. I guess that was definitely the time that I was questioning it a lot. These days, I don't have those insecurities at all. I've often times felt bad about where my thoughts were those days. It wasn't cheating, it was obviously just thinking, but even so, I felt unfaithful. I wonder how Jeff saw me back then when I sent him those letters. He was always so nice, and his responses were always that way, but I find it hard to believe that he hadn't changed at all (I know I've changed so much) and hadn't thought, here's his ex-girlfriend being a loser again. Then again, I guess those were my feelings and how I felt about myself. Maybe he secretly felt sorry for me. He was with someone else then so it's not like anything would have come of it. In any case, it's somewhat hard to read through everything I wrote again, mainly because I end up cringing and then don't want to read it because of that. The truth is though that I haven't though about Jeff in years. I guess the occasional thought is all, but they never last very long and my thoughts are all general thoughts, like wondering what he may be doing now or up to. Maybe he's had a second child for all I know. When I used to be on facebook, I would go on his page now and then and see what he would be up to, but facebook has locked me out and I haven't been able to go on it for over two years probably. I don't miss facebook and I don't miss the ability to "spy" on him or anyone else either. (Facebook in of itself is a waste of time but that's another topic.) Honestly, I'm really happy with how things turned out in the end. And I don't think it has anything to do with god or any of that shit. I think it's because I made that effort to reach out to him and I got the answer(s) that I needed. And I know now that I reached out because I was personally unhappy with my own situation. It led me to wanting to consider other options. I have no doubt that even if I didn't end up with C or that Jeff didn't marry whom he did, it wouldn't have changed anything between me and Jeff. I think I cut him too deeply. And what time he would've offered me wouldn't have been enough for me. Not to mention, I always thought about playing video games with him but I don't think he was interested in that at all. (I can't imagine being with someone who wouldn't want to play video games with me considering how much time I spend playing.) I used to think that maybe in my next lifetime I would end up with him, but now I honestly think that I was an idiot. I think the mindset I had then spoke volumes of how I felt. And the fact that I think I was an idiot speaks to how I feel now. Honestly, I was in love with memories and not what it would've actually been. Everyone looks at and thinks of their first love fondly. While I remember the reasons for breaking up, it's definitely not the first thing that I think about. It's too easy to focus on only the positive because who wants to think about the negative? But at the end of the day, there's a reason why it didn't work out.

I am so happy that I ended up with C. And in my next lifetime, if I am given the choice between the two again, I would hands down pick C again. I only hope I can be so lucky as to be able to pick him again. I sometimes don't even know what C sees in me. I am so lazy, unmotivated, and just overall so lacking. I don't know anyone that can be so accepting of how I am. I sometimes really don't get it... but I don't think I'm supposed to.