<< 06-16-22 >>

I do not even

@ 6:31 p.m.

Well I'm out of that rabbit hole. I was thinking of contacting Jason's ex... and that was someone I was trying to reach out to maybe 8 years ago. I sent her a message on facebook but she ignored me. I suppose it's possible that she didn't mean to, like facebook somehow fucked something up or maybe it was even me. But the point is that I never heard back from her. It seems rather pathetic that I'm going down this road again. In any case, I thought if Jason wasn't possible, maybe she was... and just as I had made up my mind that I should do it, I found out that she hasn't been on facebook since 2016. At least nothing has been posted on her page. Maybe she's periodically come on but she obviously keeps to herself. While that is something I like (it's what I do as well), I also don't want to send her a message and then she never responds back until months later, and I don't know if she just didn't want to talk to me or if she never even saw it. Then I realize her husband has facebook and I go on his page and this was the final nail in the coffin... she has kids. She has two kids. She doesn't have time for me. Here I was daydreaming about catching up at a coffee shop or something, but duh, that's not going to happen. She doesn't have time cause children. I need to move on with my life. So I've given it all up. Why did I bother thinking about all of this as if it would lead to anything?

I find it ironic that everyone out there is complaining about not finding that one to spend their life with. Or maybe they find that person but it ends in divorce. I'm the only one that has found that person, but my complaint is that I can't seem to find or keep any friends. All my friends are my husband's friends. I just want a friend of my own. Why is that so hard? I can't help but feel like it's still high school and I've been left out of all the parties. Everyone's invited but me. Another irony, if this was high school, I actually would have friends. I had friends in high school. When you see the same people every day, it's easy. But this is real life now. I don't know how to do this.