<< 02-07-23 >>

end of freedom

@ 11:01 a.m.

It's kinda crazy how life has changed and how much life is about to change. I've been telling myself to come here and write something before it's too late and everything is different, but I don't actually know what to say. Clearly, I've grown out of the need to share my feelings or thoughts in a diary, as I've had plenty of feelings and thoughts going on the past nine months, but none of which I felt like I needed to write down. I always thought that if I was going to do this it would've been five years ago or so. In the end though, it seems like it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Well, I guess it may be too early to say right now, we'll see after this week. The past nearly 40 weeks have passed without much incident and I recognize that I had a much easier time than most other women. The idea of looking fat (and deformed) at this point doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I wonder what I'll look like or feel like after though. It helped that I've been in a supportive environment and have been relaxed. In many ways, besides the movements, I haven't felt too much of a difference in my life. I keep going back to thinking about the decision I made. In many ways, I think I just wanted a cop out because I wasn't ready to take life seriously after quitting my job. I wanted more time to do nothing, but a legitimate way to do nothing. I don't think I regret my decision, but I can't help but to feel like anyone else would feel different in my position. Again, I can't help but feel like I'm cold blooded. I sometimes wonder how I'm not like a sociopath. It's so hard for me to feel that warm and fuzzy that I'm supposed to right now. I'm hoping it will change once the time comes, or I'll be sane enough so to speak, but I don't think I will ever stop being the way I am. I obviously don't have enough oxytocin to go around in my body. I'm not looking forward to the next few days. I'm preparing myself for the worst, but having never experienced anything like it, how do I know how prepared I actually am? It could be worse than I imagined. The breastfeeding is still a concern but that's another thing that I won't know what it'll be like or know how I'll feel until it happens.

I think I'm supposed to feel excited. I did about a month and half ago, at least somewhat. The last couple of days though, I've just been depressed. I'm starting to mourn what's about to end (my freedom, & just the two of us) instead of looking on with excitement. Maybe that's normal too, I don't know but I feel like shit. As usual, my way of dealing with it, is just not to think about it. It'll all be over soon I guess anyway. I don't know what's the point of writing about it in here after all. As usual, I can't really express all of what I'm trying to convey. Fruitless endeavor. Maybe I'll have better luck with the salad tomorrow. Tomorrow is my birthday... one of the last days of freedom, if not the last.