usui takumi
@ 2:54 p.m.
youtube is pretty much the devil (although nothing is as evil as facebook), the difference between the two is that facebook has nothing to offer, where as youtube can be ok in some instances. their related videos ensures that you will probably never be able to leave their website. which is how i stumbled upon kaichou wa maid sama. i was not even watching anything anime related in the beginning. this type of evil can only seem to occur on youtube. the video was a countdown for top 10 hot men from anime series. since anime is so large, creating a top 10 list is ridiculous no matter what the circumstance, much less top 10 hot men, but i was kind of curious who would make the list. i'm also extremely picky so i wondered if i would find anyone on the list hot or if i would even know anyone on the list as i wouldn't really say that i'm huge into anime. lo and behold usui takumi made the list. so i listened to the description about him, and then found out more about the series, and ended up watching it within two sittings. if i didn't have work, i probably would've finished it at once. i guess this leads to the problem with the matter. it's made me pretty depressed. am i sad cause the series is over? yes. am i sad no such person as usui takumi exists? yes, but then i can recognize that someone that awesome would have no reason to go for me. am i sad that something like this never happened to me? yes even though i understand the story is not at all realistic. i guess it's not even that it didn't happen to me, rather it doesn't happen to anyone! the whole thing just made me sad sad sad. this kind of sadness is not new to me. i can't even explain it. it's not like i don't recognize how ridiculous this is. and yes, i recognize that the series is super sexist (to both men and women) and probably if it happened in real life, it would not be cute, it would actually be sexual harassement. i guess when we know it's fiction and we have already decided that the guy is hot, that makes harassement ok. i guess the other problem is that no girl is dumb enough not to recognize what usui is doing. but i think why it ends up working, and why women enjoy this or at least it's why i enjoy it... is that first love, nervous, does he like me or not, heart pounding aka dokidoki feeling experienced, that can never again be experienced again. yes, i can remember oh so clearly that it's not necessarily a great feeling at the time. heart pounding and sweating and nervousness aren't necessarily things we strive for, but there's a certain cuteness to it and that anxiousness can lead to a big payout when you find out the other person can return your feelings. obviously it's utter heartbreak when he doesn't return your feelings, but in anime or any other fiction, if it doesn't work out, that means that someone else is meant to come along. in real life, this thought is hardly comforting considering that in real life, we cannot just assume this to be the case. in particular another reason why this works so well is that usually the characters come from a somewhat tragic background. because, let's face it, boring people aren't interesting to write about. and then when you hear about what they went through, then it ends up being well no wonder they act that way, and suddenly any unsavory actions can be accepted. on the flip side, you can't help but feel sorry for the characters either, now you as the reader want to comfort the character. it's so easy to write whatever you want, it doesn't really have to be realistic at all. if you ask me, that's what anime actually is. but for me, all i can seem to focus on is that i'll never have a dokidoki moment again. it's not that i don't appreciate having someone, being married to someone and loving and being loved back by them. but on the other hand, when i think that i can't have another dokidoki moment, for some reason, it makes me so fucking unbeliveably depressed. i can't even equate it to an i wanna kill myself or stay in bed and do nothing all day depression. unless of course that staying in bed all day invovles watching some new maid sama or maid sama equivalent episodes, or if i could in some way rewind back 10+ years and experience a first love again. the point is that i don't think this depression is what normal people get depressed about. in fact, in some ways this is more of an obsession than depression, but it's just that feeling sad about it is a huge part of the obsession. i wonder if i reminisce or think too much about the past because i'm so dissatisfied with my life, and i can clearly recognize the fault is my own. i don't do anything in life because i don't want anything from life. i feel like life has nothing to offer me, so i don't see the point in doing anything. i think i've been in this limbo for forever. i sometimes recognize that if i had more hardships in life, i would want more from life, but then having my easy going life is so easy and i'm so lazy that i could never actually want that. i guess that's the bottom line. life has been too easy to me, and taught me how to live in this easy way, and now... it's this. i don't think anyone has this depression like i do, and i think it'll follow me my whole life. it's nothing i want to kill myself over, yet when it hits me hard at times like these, it's hard for me to figure out how to move forward. yet this is like a drug to me, last year i had that "trade me" book, this year it's maid sama. it won't go away and i won't be able to stop feeding my addiction. this is exactly what a drug is. the high is so high, so enjoyable, and then once the high is gone, this low is unbearable. it's better not to take that drug in the first place, but knowing that high is there, you can't say no, you just want to expereince that, and you forget there's such a thing as low. this is really... sad.