yeah, a weed problem or
@ 9:55 p.m.
Alright, well I don't know quite what I'm doing here. For once I'm here and I didn't intend to write actually. But well, I guess why not? I'm pretty much over last week's depression. Or I guess it was two or more weeks now? I can't even remember. It's weird how time goes by so quickly yet so slowly.
Hmm, well I guess there's one thing that I do want to talk about. I feel a little like my weed problem has gotten out of control. I understand that weed can't literally do anything terrible to you, like spiraling out of control and addicted kind of thing. Well, I do feel a little addicted to it. Pretty much every night, I'd rather go to sleep smoking it than not. I guess if I made a conscience effort to stop, I maybe could, but the truth is that I don't want to. I'm not ready to give it up. I haven't skipped a night in a few weeks now I think. The main problem is the weekends. I wake up pretty early, well before c's up. Not that c judges me or anything (which I think he should, I feel so guilty and shameful about myself smoking so much but I don't feel bad enough to stop), because he doesn't, but it's just so much easier to do whatever I want to do without anyone noticing or caring. Anyway, I'll wake up at like 8 or 9 am on the weekends, and I'll smoke. I'll get so high that I can't really function and I end up watching TV. Then I get sleepy, and will more or less fall asleep. By then, c will wake up because it's about 1pm. I'll likely wake up around 3pm or so, do absolutely nothing still... then it's night time and again, I'll smoke... get absolutely nothing done. On the weekdays, I work, but the first thing I think of when I get home is, will I be able to smoke right away? Is there something I need to do? I'll sometimes even smoke as I cook or do the dishes or any other easy chore, I don't think I watch TV sober anymore. It doesn't even matter what I'm watching. Well, I guess it's Netflix since I don't have basic TV. I'm pretty much skimming by, just barely. Anything I should be doing, I haven't been doing. I'm doing the bare minimum because I'd just rather smoke weed all other times. I've gotten high in just these few past sentences. And now my brain is kind of gone. I don't feel interested in writing this anymore. I don't care about my problems. I don't care about the things I need to get done. And I don't feel guilty. I just feel great. Yeah, I think I see why I'm fucking addicted to this. Yeah, I probably need to cut this shit out a little bit, because doing this all the fucking time won't get me closer anywhere. But fuck this is such an easier way to feel some happiness, then working on all that long term goal fuck.
God I fucking curse like a fucking sailor when I'm fucking high apparently. fuck. fuck. on diaryland anyway. fuck.