emptiness
@ 8:21 a.m.
Feels like a decade since my last entry, I've come here a few times with the intention of writing, but then I end up reading other people's diaries instead, and by the end of it, I don't feel so much like writing anymore. I wonder if I ever did. Apparently the last time I wrote in here, I thought I was pregnant.
Part of the problem with writing in here is that, whenever I get the sudden urge to write in here, I think about the fact that there's been no factual recording of anything that's happened to me in the last few months, which makes it seem not right for me to write about any old thing when I feel that I owe more of an update. But I hate update entries. I find them pointless now. No one's going to read it, I'm not going to read it, so a part of me desperately just wants to say fuck it and I'll write what I want. At this point, anything I say about what's happened wouldn't be fresh in my mind anymore. I don't feel like they would be genuine. The only thing genuine is what I'm feeling right now, which is what I want to say, but I feel too guilty.
OK so let's just clarify a couple things and just move on. What's the point in wasting my time writing about guilt? So I was pregnant, for all of about 5 days. I had what's called a chemical pregnancy. I was glad of it because I didn't want to be pregnant. It's funny remembering this, because my doctor said "I'm sorry" about it, and I just thought - I wonder if she says that to all women who've just lost their embryos or fetuses. I sure as hell wasn't sorry the baby was gone. When sometime later I had told my mom about it, she was surprised that I wasn't more emotional about it. It makes me wonder if something's wrong with me. Sure a very tiny, minuscule part of me wonders what could've been, but it's such a small part, it's barely there. I'm so unfeeling about it, and I completely recognize that and it worries me a little, yet I can't help my feelings I guess. I still don't even know if I want a baby. How would someone like me being so uncaring do as a mother? Not to mention the fact that I'm scared of pregnancy. Everyone seems to see pregnancy as a good thing - when talking about the thing itself, not about the circumstances of the to-be-mother's life while having it. However, I see pregnancy as a deformity of the body. I'm sure I'm the only one that sees it that way. I think there was an episode of House where he calls a fetus a parasite, and had I been his patient and he said that to me, I would've felt it normal - something any doctor would say. Ha, maybe House would've found me interesting since I wouldn't have recoiled and yelled at him for calling my baby a parasite. But I think I've gone off on a tangent. The point is that I'm not pregnant, and I'm thankful for that.
The second point is that I got married to c at the end of October. I'm not sure what else I can say about it. If this had been the day of my wedding (and also maybe 10 years ago when I was more of a writer) I'm sure I'd prattle on with glee about how happy I am, how excited I am, and finally after years of waiting I've finally gotten hitched. And the honeymoon was great. It was probably the best two weeks of my life. I can see that everyone could be happy if they could live like that for two weeks, but alas I'm not an heiress, nor did I marry someone equally rich, so it's back to the real world now. I don't know if things are supposed to feel different after getting married, but to me it's like nothing has changed. I don't feel changed, and I don't think c has either. For the most part, I'm glad of that. I didn't want there to be a change. On the other hand, I wouldn't have minded some change. What a laugh to hear me say that though, I used to hate change, with such a terrible passion. What's happened to me?
Alas, it's time to move on from these subjects and really talk about what's actually been on my mind. I think there's something wrong with me. The more that time passes by, the more I seem to think so. I can't seem to stop comparing myself now to how I used to be in high school, and that was 10 fucking years ago. I had passion in high school, and now I don't. And I have absolutely no idea how to get it back. It's like I've been on depression meds the past 10 years and it's blocked me from feeling. Most of the time I tell myself that I AM feeling. But then I look at my life, and I feel like if I was feeling something, I'd have something to show for it. For the most part I've had myself convinced that I'm normal, but I don't think I am. This week I've been so absolutely depressed. I feel like such a fucking failure. It's because I'm absolutely normal, absolutely uninteresting. I'm sure Marilyn Monroe would've had an absolute fit and drowned herself in alcohol and pills if she was realizing what I am.
Music that should be making me feel better is only grating me. I only hear my own normalcy. I wish I was stupid. Stupid people are happy. The problem is that I have nothing to be unhappy about, not really. It's weird how there's people out there wishing for their lives to be normal, but I can't bear how little of an impact I made on myself. I've been thinking about looking at old music I semi-wrote, and trying to actually write it for real. An actual fully completed song with all the beginnings and the ends figured out. Although, part of this problem is that I can't sing. And I can't believe I'm thinking this but I miss orchestra in high school. I'd never thought I'd mutter such a sentence. If you told me that I'd be thinking this now back then, I wouldn't have believed it. But I guess I miss creating music with someone else. There's such a high doing it around other people. I think my problem all along was that I never found someone with music passion. I wish I was in a band. I find myself wishing I could be in one now, but I'm doubtful that I'm good enough to be in one. I don't care so much about trying to make it big, it's more about the fact that I want to be a part of something and that I want to have passion. I've already tried multiple times to further my own skill on piano, but I guess I don't have the patience or the motivation to keep going. I guess that's always been the problem with me. I wish that someone would invent a motivation pill. Something that when I take, I could see the end goal and feel so compelled to keep going that I would never stop. That's been my problem all along, that I lack discipline. I think it's precisely because of my upbringing that I'm failing. It's easy when someone next to you says, "go do it" and you become complacent in just doing it, but when that voice is gone, what's keeping you going? I feel like 29 years of absolute failure and waste. I keep lamenting that if only I was raised this way or that. I don't blame my parents, I think because I realize it's not really their fault. If I really wanted to make a change, it's only me that's the deciding factor. I know I'm only 29, and I still have time to make a go at it of whatever it is I want, but again, it's back to that lack of motivation and absolute lack of discipline. I'm only stuck here wanting, without a way to make it happen.
For the last few years I've been saying Death Cab for Cutie is my favorite band, but as I grew older now, I feel like there's no such thing as favorites anymore. I don't feel like I behave a fan should for their favorite band. I used to have a bunch of favorite movies, and while I still love those movies, it's not really like I'm watching it all the time, or appreciating it the way it's meant to be. I say it without any meaning. I've been saying my favorite color is yellow, but there doesn't seem to be any particular reason anymore for me to like yellow. I hesitate to answer "yellow" when I'm asked the question, because I feel like I'm not being truthful. Any favorite TV shows I might've had or used to have doesn't even apply anymore. I used to say that Revenge and Person of Interest was, but well Revenge has ended and I'm honestly not happy with how things went off track. Person of Interest changed a lot too and I haven't watched it since mid-season 2. I guess the problem is that TV shows change since they last so long. Even my long time favorites, such as Charmed or Friends, I can't even say I really love anymore. Unfortunately, both of those are kind of c's fault, when he pointed out to me how crazy Ross is when he didn't want to get an annulment when he married Rachel, and other crazy behavior on that show that really doesn't make sense. After all these years, I'm still too scared to finish the last season of Charmed because then it'll truly be an end and I won't have any more episodes. Even when I watch old reruns, it's not the same anymore. I don't feel nostalgia in the sense that "oh this was nice, I remember this." it's more like, "was that what this show was really like?"
I can't even say that this is quite depression. When people say they're depressed, they actually feel sadness and hopelessness, that nothing would get better, and most likely suicidal. It's not that I don't feel those things (well I definitely don't feel suicidal), it's more like I feel them to a muted degree. Most people that get depressed get put on anti-depressant to hold back their unwanted terrible feelings. I feel like I'm already there without any anti-depressant help. So what am I supposed to take to make me feel things? To make me feel excitement? I think I'm really starting to recognize that nothing in this world could really make me happy.
In high school I was up and down with sadness and happiness, I've been in a straight line since then. I just can't tell if that straight line has been sadness or happiness. In some ways, of course I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. For God's sake, I was convinced that I had bipolar disorder and I would've been happy to been diagnosed with it because it would've made me feel special. I'm glad to walk away from that fucked up thought process, so if I can recognize I'm not in that place anymore, that would mean I'm happy right? But if this is how I'm actually feeling now, it seems like I rather traded one thing for another. While I don't think I'm in as dark as place as before, I don't understand how not feeling is supposed to be better. I sometimes wonder if anyone would be able to relate to me. I want to find someone that can. But I feel such shame that I would never be able to open myself up enough to find it. In any case, I don't feel like it would be so easy to find.
I've been wondering if the amount of weed I've been consuming has anything to do with it. I'm smoking almost every day, sometimes twice. c doesn't say anything to me about it, but I feel shameful of it anyway. It's so much easier to go back to that world where I don't really have to think. It puts me into a complacent world where even how I feel is forgotten. It's such so much easier not to deal with my problems. I sometimes wonder if I would've been addicted to crack or heroin by now if I wasn't scared that I would become addicted to it and tried it. It's so much easier dealing with trying to figure out what's wrong with me by not dealing with it and just not thinking about it. I'm sure I'd be an alcoholic by now too if not for the fact that drinking to excess has always made me feel shitty and like I'm about to throw up, yet I'd get nowhere near drunk enough to stop caring about how I feel.
I also wish that I didn't have to turn to a stupid secret diary in order to vent out how I feel, that I actually had someone to talk to and share my thoughts and feelings with. I just feel absolutely pathetic. But I won't have to worry about that in a minute because I'll get high.
Well, see you in another few months I guess.