pregnant
@ 6:29 p.m.
wow it's been a month since i last wrote?? I can't believe it. I swear it hasn't been that long. it's weird as usual how not much has changed, and yet there has been some changes actually.
that new person we hired didn't end up working out at all, which sucked so much ass. he showed up on the first day saying he couldn't work because his church friend that promised to watch his child backed out at the last minute. then he worked on thursday and friday. on Friday he told my manager something about how his father is not doing so well, health-wise, and he needed monday off to look after him. my manager was confused because like what was he planning to do exactly, baby sit his dad? what for?? he has some kind of health issue, but does that require babysitting? my manager asked if he was going to see a doctor if that's why he needed the time off, and he said yes. but a doctor's appointment doesn't take the whole day. and it sounded like he was just quick to agree that that's why he needed the day off. it just sounds like who the fuck knows why he really needed the day off? well tuesday morning, he sends us an email, something along the lines of "i will be able to return to work on wednesday. my job is very important to me and i will make sure not to miss anymore days." something like that. no reason about why he's missing another day. and he didn't even ask if he could take tuesday off, it was straight out, "i will be able to return on wednesday" what the fuck?? so he missed more days than he came within the first week. fuck that. so of course he's gone. and we haven't had a replacement since. we were going to have an interview on last thursday, but the girl didn't show up. real nice. so back to the drawing board so to speak. but god, i'm so busy i don't even have time for this bullshit, but i have to make time of it, otherwise without having someone here, i'll forever be too busy for anything. i can't remember how many times i've been saying that i'm waiting for work to return to fucking normal. i'm like a broken record. it's definitely been a year. it's been a year since those two guys left, and we've only found one replacement. and honestly, i wouldn't mind another person, cause we technically did lose three people since late last year. my manager thinks we could manage with only replacing two instead of three, but i wouldn't mind a third, but i suppose i may change my mind depending on how it goes after we find another person. i don't know why it's so fucking hard to find another person...
well, i probably should've started with this, but i think i'm pregnant. i was supposed to start my period last monday, but nothing. i've skipped my period once before when i was about 19 or 20. the doctor said it was because i was overweight. it may or may not be true. i know weight loss and gain does affect getting your period, but it wasn't like i had suddenly gained 30 lbs, but anyway that's beside the point. even though i'm not as heavy as i used to be, and for the most part my weight has been consistent the last few years, i still didn't think i was pregnant anyway. i did read that apparently smoking weed may cause skipped periods, but i don't know if that's true or not. i know i have been smoking a lot more than previously, but i find that reason a little hard to believe. well, friday morning i decided to take a pregnancy test and it came out positive. so false-positives are fucking rare apparently so i guess i feel 80% sure that i must be pregnant. i just had a blood test done this morning, but i won't find out the result until 3 more days. fucking ridiculous... are we or are we not living in 2015?? meanwhile, i started bleeding on saturday, and it has not stopped still. it seems pretty heavy like it could be my period, but i read that it's pretty common to have spotting while pregnant during the time i normally am supposed to have my period. so is it my period or is it spotting? considering i've never been pregnant before nor have i ever talked to anyone about spotting i have no clue what spotting might be like... so i don't know. i'm not experiencing cramps that usually come with my period especially after drinking anything cold, so i feel like it probably is spotting? but fuck it if i know. besides these fucking weird symptoms, i don't feel pregnant at all. no tender breasts, puking, feeling tired, etc. etc. of course it might be too early for that. i'm not sure what's worse - the blood test saying i'm pregnant or i'm not. if it says that i am, at least i can trust in that and then act on it. if it says i'm not, then what the fuck is going on with my body?? also i'd be paranoid that the blood test lied and i actually am pregnant.
me and c have already talked about it, and we're not keeping the baby. it's funny how in the past year or two i've been so undecided about whether i want kids or not in the future, and i thought to myself that maybe it would be nice if i suddenly just found myself pregnant, then i'd be forced to just keep the child and the decision would be made for me. and yet when it finally does happen, i realize that i just really don't want this child. i know it sounds so selfish, but i guess that's what i am. i don't want to be straddle with a child, it's not what i really want. c still wants to have kids in the future, but i don't really want to. i don't think i will change my mind in the future either. he's aware that i'm pretty undecided about kids, but i'm starting to think that i may be more towards not wanting kids than having them.
anyway, i'm rational, realistic and unreligious enough to know that i'm making the right choice. yes, it's a shitty choice, and yes i'm selfish, but i don't want to bring a child into this world if my heart is not fully into it. i don't want him/her to be miserable. and i don't want to be miserable. and anyway, fuck what everyone else thinks of me. i know i'm making the right choice.
on the other hand, i don't know how the fuck i got pregnant. am i really part of the .3% that got pregnant even though i was using the pill?! how unlucky is that??