work, life, etc.
@ 9:16 p.m.
i can't believe it's been almost 4 months since i last wrote in here. time goes by really quickly. i swear time used to be so slow when i was in high school, but i think the last 5 years of my seems to have flown by and it's such a blur, like it's been one big long day. some things have happened, but then nothing really big has changed honestly. i guess that's maybe why i don't like to write in here anymore... it's almost like there's nothing worth talking about. when life is full adventures and different things all the time, then it's worth remembering and worth taking note of. when it's all the same, then it's like what's the point of writing it, i'll just experience it all tomorrow. and when it's all the same, why bother reading anything i've written the last few years. well, it's simple, i haven't been reading it. i used to be interested in writing, i wonder if i'm no longer interested in it because i don't have an audience that i'm writing for. i guess pondering these things won't really mean anything. i should just get on with the entry, but i can't help but keep stopping because i keep wondering what the point of this is anymore. yet it doesn't feel right to abandon it. writing these small updates every few months doesn't really mean anything. it just seems to be a very small glimpse of a thought or event that i had that usually loses relevance before i even write it. maybe i should try to write more often, but then i don't know. will i care? do i care enough to make the effort? but then i realize that's the whole problem with me. there's nothing really that i care about. i don't really have interests or hobbies, nothing that i really want to make an effort on. everything seems to require work and when i have a day off (like today for example) i just end up not wanting to do it. i don't know how i became like this, but i have no idea how to stop it. i know i didn't used to be like this. c asks me all the time like what happened to me? i wish i had an answer.
right, the entry. well, last month i got promoted. it was made official on jun 12. i've been seeing things a little bit differently since i got promoted. i'm starting to feel stress while at work, and i'm doing overtime here and there, but i guess that's nothing new. the old supervisor is still there, she just wanted to step down. i can kind of understand that honestly. she's like 50 or 60 years old, going to retire in a few years, making supervisor at this age isn't a huge deal to her as far as status is concerned, and with the amount of stress the title comes with, as well as the fairly small raise that comes with it, it seems like being supervisor is a lot more troublesome than rewarding, at her age anyway. she says that she was starting to get back pain at the end of the day from the stress. and even though i've taken over the position now, she's still having some kind of pain. the doctor recommended she take a week off so she could relax. i think she really needs it to. she's made some big errors that ended up being costly at work, which is unusual. it's going to be tough without her there because we really need the people, but on the other hand, i do want her to get her rest. there was another girl that should've had seniority for the position, but she didn't end up getting it. the main reason for it was that she's always handled just one big account and no one knows how to do it but her. well, that account has been sorta wishy-washy as of late. there was talks that they were gonna go out of business. basically, the short version is that someone new took over, and that person kind of doesn't know waht their doing. so my coworker kind of has to teach her. it would've been kind of a hassle for her to train someone else the account, especially since that company doesn't know what they're doing either. my manager wanted a new supervisor right away so she chose to promote me just to get it done with. she ended up getting a raise though since it was unfair that i got promoted even though she had the seniority. it's a pretty nice raise for not having to do anything differently. meanwhile, my work load has changed quite a bit. i gave away a lot of my accounts, and started to have to do other stuff. i do like my new position though. i feel very confident and very happy with it. i feel like it was made for me. it's what i'm good at, even though i'm bad at everything else in life. i guess, i can at least say that i'm good at this.
on the other hand, there's this girl there named teresa who's been with the company since december. i didn't realize how bad she was until i took over as supervisor. well, i guess i knew how bad, but i didn't realize how much frustration that equated to. i can't believe she was ever hired, because she knows NOTHING about our line of work, absolutely nothing. i don't know how she managed to work at her previous job with so little knowledge... she was hired through a temp agency, and apparently she didn't last very long at her previous position, which is no surprise to me now that i know how she is. in any case, when she was hired in december, it was different then. in august two people had left, which left the remaining 4 (and the manager) of us in scrambles. one of them wasn't even very good. he made a very bad huge mistake, so my manager let him go. that left 3 of us in october or november. there was another temp girl she lasted for like a month before she was gone. she was terrible, apparently she was lazy and made more mistake than teresa. so then that left 3 of us. it was a pretty awful time. so i guess i can understand why teresa lasted so long. she was better at doing some work at least, and if you gave enough explicit directions she would at least follow through, and she was good at following up with the rest of us about what to do next rather than just assuming on her own and then making mistakes because of it. luckily, we got that other girl i trained in march and things got a little better, so it was really surprising to me that teresa got hired full time and out of the temp agency in may because i thought we were planning to get rid of her. she was so bad at catching onto things that were taught to her. she always made mistakes even after telling her to double check her work. she never admits to her mistakes either, always has some excuse as to why she can't perform. half the time, i'm not even trying to blame her, just trying to let her know so she doesn't do it again next time, but instead she always starts try to defend herself. it comes off so bad. and even though it was good that she was always asking for the next step in what to do before, now it's just irritating because it's obvious things that she should know what to do now. i honestly equate to, it's like she doesn't know that she needs to breathe to stay alive, unless someone tells her. like it's common sense what she should be doing, instead she's asking. on the bright side, at least she hasn't made any major mistakes, which i'm guessing is why she hasn't been let go all this time because there was still some work that she could do without messing it up (too badly). she's been the bane of my existence at work, and she was one of the reasons why the previous supervisor stepped down too, she couldn't deal with her anymore.
well, we interviewed someone a couple weeks ago, and it ended up going pretty well. he was definitely knowledgeable in the interview, as he talked a lot about the tasks that he did and had to deal with at his old job, so i'm not worried about that at least. my main concern is how flexible he will be with the actual work. he seems like he's a stickler for wanting things done in a certain way, and if we can't allow him to do things his way, how will he perform? still, i can only take things one thing at a time. it's been confirmed on friday that this new guy will start on wednesday. teresa's last day will be tuesday morning. i feel kind of bad for her, but god i definitely won't miss her. she asked me the dumbest questions, and her brain seemed to function just oddly. things that had nothing to do with the other. yeah, i'm definitely not going to miss her. sure, i feel a little bad, but not going to miss her. i'm also glad i'm not the one that has to do the firing, that's what HR is for. but it feels a little weird, realizing that i'm the one with the power. sure, my manager and i decided together to get rid of teresa, but if i really wanted her to stay and i saw that i could train her and change her around, i could've told my manager that and she would've stayed. but i said no, she's hopeless (and she is, i mean it's been 6 months and she's still making typos after i told her repeatedly to double check your work, that's either you don't know shit or you don't care about your work, either way is bad) and that sealed her fate. anyway, i'll have to train the new person. i hope he works out, at least good enough to last for a while until things are more settled down. there's so many things on my to do list at work that i keep pushing back because i don't have time, and now the previuos supervisor person will have to take some leave time and i'll probably have to redistribute her work a bit so that she's not so stressed. ugh, but yeah one thing at a time.
you know, since i've become supervisor, i've been told a lot of interesting stuff about things going on at work. at least that stuff is worth reading about i think. maybe i should start talking about work stuff, that at least seems interesting to read about. however, not tonight, as i'm kind of getting tired. my brother will be home soon i think and i told him i would play ffxiv with him. ugh, but that just kind of reminds me of how i've gotten nothing done today. i've realized that this year i've been terrible with my mail. i guess part of the reason is that i'm not the only one, all my pals have been responding back so late, that putting it off isn't a big deal because everyone else is doing the same. we took a break from boxing in june so that marcos could heal his hand, and we only recently started up again. i haven't been practicing violin again as i've had no motivation lately, that's another downer in my life. i was supposed to be productive today, but instead i've spent pretty much all day playing league of legends. i then got tired from sitting on the computer so long that i couldn't even type this on my desktop. i had to get out my shitting 2008 laptop and type this up as i'm lying down. on the bright side my back finally stopped hurting so i guess it was a good thing i took a break from league. but now it's almost 10pm and i think it's time for me to start smoking... these days i'm getting high almost on a daily basis. i used to try not to do it too often, partially because i thought c looked down on me for it, but he knows that i've been doing it pretty often, but he doesn't seem to mind. i feel like weed is the only way that i can relax these days. i fall asleep so much better with it too. i used to worry that i was doing it too much that maybe i could get addicted, but i no longer feel that nor do i think it's possible. sometimes, i forget about smoking completely so no, i don't think i could be addicted, it's not like i'm always looking forward to my next high, that my life revolves around it. i enjoy the other non-high aspects of my life just as much, sometimes more.
on a totally different aspect, i was thinking today that i seem to no longer care about jeff. he's been such a sore subject for me in the past, that it's weird that he's suddenly become like this nothing in my life. i don't think about him at all anymore. i don't miss him. i think that more and more, i've come to the conclusion that for me it was about what he represented, that i chose to see him as if he was supposed to be the guy i was supposed to end up with. now that i don't view him like that, i can be more objective and realize that it was never going to work out between us. i think i think about chris more than him, and i think of chris with way more fondness than i do with jeff. something that i can't believe would've ever happened.
on a side note, i read If I stay the other weekend. for some reason, it wasn't quite what i expected and it wasn't as good as i thought it was going to be. the movie disappointed me even more, it had been so hollywood makeover'd, the realistic things in the book was taken out and replaced with a more romantic version of it. i think the book maybe didn't agree with me because i didn't really understand adam and mia's relationship. i didn't feel it to be genuine, and believe, i wanted it to be that way because i love teenage love stories, but it just didn't quite work. even i was wondering myself, what did Adam see in Mia exactly? it's not that i didn't find Mia to be great, but the way he came off, I couldn't see how he loved her or why. I want to read more, but I'm not good at reading consistently. I only read in spades, and in one sitting usually. took me a few years to finish Before I go to Sleep because of that...
I wish my personality, my life, my hobbies, every other aspect of myself could be more like how I am at work.
time to smoke. i already have my milk and cookies to pig out on ready for after i'm high. this is like the highlight of my week. I don't know if that's sad or not.