(depressed over mondays and music)
@ 9:31 p.m.
ok. never done this before. i'm actually writing this at home, while high. i've been wanting to do it a few times now when i've updated before, but it never ended up happening til now. i guess it's just cause i'm curious if my thoughts and things i write make sense... coherently. not sure how it will work out now thought because i've only written like one sentence so far and it's hard not to keep rereading what you just wrote. so even a couple sentences seem hard to form.
i've been wanting to write the past couple days at work but it never quite happened. it's kind of been busy i guess. i'm pretty much done training that new girl. it was only about a week so that was nice that it didn't have to be that long at least.
i've been thinking lately that things aren't what they use to be. i find myself wishing for my youth so much. i really want to be a teen again in high school. i miss the highs and lows and that kind of drama. my life has been too constant now that it drives me nuts. i've hated change forever now, but i honestly wouldn't mind something new, for myself to be surprised at something... but it's not going to happen. i'm not going back to high school. my youth is just fucking gone. where did it go? i can't seem to figure out how that time seem to have gone by so quickily. i feel rather depressed about the whole thing too, kind of like a what's the point now kind of feeling. i guess that's silly. i don't feel like killing myself or anything, but it's depressing.
speaking of depressing. i've come to the conclusion that i don't like mondays. i feel bad for mondays, it totally gets a bad rep and i feel bad for needing to take out on it so more, but what mondays represent does suck. the start of the terrible work week where you can't just do whatever you want or go to sleep whatever time you want... when you wake up on the morning of that first day that freedom is just being drained away from you.. and evertyhing else in that routine sucks too. i fucking hate that so much... but then the rest of the week rolls on by and it's like what was the big deal? after all this is what i'm getting paid to do. i just hate how depressed i get on mondays. they really are my bad days. i have bad thoughts all day long. i don't think it's particularily that i just hate on mondays and the loss of my freedom... i think mondays just end up highlighting everything that's wrong with my life and that's why i get put in that depressive state.
hmm writing while high is actually kind of hard. hard to keep your thoughts together i mean. i've had a hard time with where i'm going with a sentence while mid sentence.
i feel like music has been hurting me lately. a weird thought/sentence. i guess what i mean is that music is also making me feel depressed. i say that because i i wish i were better at music and i'm just not. and i find that depressing. i've played piano since 5 and violin for some time here and there since 7 and yet i'm still so bad. why can't i write the music i can hear in my head? why can't i just seem to play it out? transfer it from my head to my fingers. i'm probably being too hard on myself but i guess that's kind of how i am. yet how come i can't make any good come of of this unnecessary stress? I wish i was good at one thing. i'm sure milions of people who are average. i mean there has got to be.. i bet 80 % or so are just average... not particulairly good at anything... but why do i have to be one of those? that's really depressing to me.
why can't music soothe me so that i could make more out of what i've had instead. now listening to music... regular old music that i grew up listening to anyway... is making me depressed. why does one affect the other now? why couldn't it before?
oh yeah and i want to mention, writing isn't what it used to be. i used to reread what i wrote all over the place. i wanted to see what life was like then... what's changed, bring back memories, etc. now i never reread what i've written here and i could almost care less if this particular diary altogether got deleted out of the digital world. i can't really bring myself to figure out why that is. i'm scared what i might find out.