birthdays and in life
@ 1:53 p.m.
omg i am so glad that whole week is over. i was suffering major depression last week. a lot of things caused it but it was definitely triggered by that book. it's weird that a book can do that, but that's what happened. i don't think i can read the next books in that series. it wasn't a bad book, but i reacted very badly to it, and i'm too scared it might happen again to try the next books. it's too bad because it wasn't a bad book. it wasn't the book's fault.
i spent a lot of the week feeling down for myself. thinking that i had no friends and no hobbies or interest. i spent a lot of time on facebook too, which really only hurt my cause that much more. facebook for me personally is a terrible place to be. i get upset at the things that other people have that i don't have. i can't understand how i'm not able to have that, when it seems to be so basic.
yesterday was my birthday and i've been thinking the whole previous week, whenver it came to mind that the whole thing would be a disaster but it wasn't that bad in the end. it didn't start well, but it ended ok. i think the people here at work forgot my birthday again. i think i would've been a lot more bitter about it last week, but today i am feeling ok about it. it does kinda irks me that they can seem to remember everyone else's but mine. i guess i could be wrong, and we're doing something today? but i'm not exactly holding my breath. forgetting it isn't that big of a deal to me now, what would bug me more is down the line on the next birthday if they insist that they did something for me when they didn't. i'm not saying that i want them to feel bad for forgetting, but then if they did maybe it's a little deserved. but in any case, that would just really piss me off if they acted like they did something for me even though they totally forgot. this is the 4th year that my birthday has occurred while working here. the first year i didn't expect anything because no one knew my birthday. the second year they forgot and pulled that shit where they totally thought they did something. last year they actually remembered... and i guess we'll see what happens this year. i guess it doesn't help that my birthday fell on a sunday this year, but still. they remembered other people's birthday just fine when it landed on a weekend. ok, talking about this is making me worked up now, so i guess i'm going to move on.
i was upset at not receiving any notice that it's my birthday, but i suppose that it's not like i made much of an effort on other people's birthdays either. and while i have become very jealous that some of these people on facebook seem to have a great day with birthday wishes and pictures of what they did with their friends, i realized that i am grateful that i have a great boyfriend who did everything he could to make my day special. it made me realize that i don't need anything from anyone else. they don't have c, and i'll bet they are lonely too, just in another way. i don't have friends, but they don't have a boyfriend. and c made me realize how dumb i was being. if i really wanted to hang out with marcos, i could've. i'm sure he would've come over if that was what i had really wanted. i guess he's just about my only friend, but i guess it'll have to be enough for now.
i'm still upset over the fact that it seems i have no interests, but maybe i could eventually change that. i can't really seem to get back into web design, but maybe i could try out code academy and see if that does anything. i managed to write a little bit into the story i've been trying to work on. it's been tough. i wanted to write just for the hell of it, but i found that to be even difficult. i was high last night and thought i'd give it a try. turns out i am a lot more relaxed and easy going about writing when i'm high. i might try it out to see if i can get the story moving. otherwise i tend to fixate and am not able to move on.
also c got me something totally unexpected. i wasn't sure how i felt about it at first, but now that i'm thinking more abut it, i really like his gift. it's basically a second battery for my phone. i can precharge it and then use it to charge my phone or ipod or ipad if i had one of those. but the thing is that he got me this because i've been complaining forever about how my phone just dies so quickly. now that i've had time to think and digest it, it's probably the most thoughtful gift he's given me. i guess at the time i was expecting something else because i had mentioned to him that i wanted a keurig coffee maker, although at this point, i don't know if i still want one. if he had got me this, i don't know how i would've felt about it... and i also mentioned to him that i wanted to play this video game that i found out about. i thought he might've been buying me that, so it was a surprise to me when he got me something else entirely.
i really am grateful that i have a boyfriend who can make my birthday special. i guess growing up it never was, and i always dread it for that reason. that want inside that you want the day to be special, that everyone will notice you, want to reach out to you and give you something or just to prove that they remembered you, but i guess i'm expecting far too much. i don't even do those things, so how can i expect it back? and honestly, i realize now that birthdays, like life is exactly what you make it. if you want it to be something, it can be something, and screw everybody else.
this is what i've come to learn.
last night when i was eating at olive garden, i was so glad to be feeling so much better. early on in the day, i felt so miserable and felt like crying. i guess birthdays are still tricky for me. i'm really sad it's over, but i guess valentine's day is around the corner. i might as well look forward to that instead.