y=0
@ 1:20 p.m.
jesus fucking christ. i feel so fucking depressed. well, i don't even know if this is depression per se. i don't cry or want to kill myself, not really. i just feel this empty nothingness, like what's the point? this emptiness stems from 2 main factors. one that i don't really have anyone to talk to. i think it's kinda funny how some people have that one best friend that they can talk to yet they feel lonely cause they don't have a boyfriend. i'm the exact opposite. i have a boyfriend, but i don't have that one best friend to talk to. i think i exacerbated this recently. i had asked marcos to come over everyday for the week to celebrate 420, and he came over for a majority of the days, but on actual 420, he didn't want to come over, and no matter how much pushing, and bribing, he didn't want to come back, and it wasn't that he had something to do, he just didn't want to come over. i know cause he spent the rest of the afternoon playing league. it made me question if he's really that good of a friend. at least i tried my best to explain that it would mean something if he came over, but he didn't really seem to care one whit. it just reminded me of how selfish he was. he didn't even try to hide it, or give a good reason or try to explain rationally, it was just a big no one after another. it just made me feel really shitty. now i don't want to hang out with him or see him. i guess i'm more or less over it by now, but it's just made me kind of uncaring about everything, like what's the point? i wish i had a real friend. sometimes i hate my fucking parents for not teaching me to be normal. it's because of them that i can't keep friends for shit, that i don't know how to socialize and am a weirdo in general.
the second reason is that i have absolutely no motivation. if i was at 0% before, i feel like i'm in the negative now. i'm barely even thinking about maybe doing some things i should do, and i feel no guilt or really even regret anymore. maybe it's because i feel absolutely nothing. i speak of the fact that i can't find any ounce of anything to further continue reading that Making Things Happen book that c wanted me to read. i've been on page 90 for probably 2 or 3 weeks. i don't even know if i should bother bringing up that book i've been wanting to write/finish forever. it's been like 2 years since i last touched it, probably 3 since i last seriously looked at it and edited it. i also rarely feel like wanting to play violin either. i feel a little like i'm wasting my money if i'm not gonna practice, but i keep waiting for that inspiration and that wanting to hit... any day now. any year now. that subject also makes me depressed too because for how many years i've practice music, i really suck. i really regret that during college i wasn't forced to keep practcing piano. i can recall that at the end of high school is where i was finally getting somewhere. god, i feel so disgusted with myself. besides all that, i don't even feel an interest to do slams or any of my pen pal stuff. i'm usually pretty good about that, but i can't find any interest whatsoever now. jesus, i don't think i've ever felt so dead inside.
the only thing bringing me any remote joy or happiness is listening to some old music. specifically 90's music. in times like these, i'm really glad that youtube exists. normally i don't bother with that, but it's the only place where you can listen to any music you want instantaneously. if i don't think about the fact that i really would like to try playing some of this music, but don't cause i'll probably end up frustrated and possibly even more depressed, then i have a great time feeling nostalgic and rapturous. i feel like it's the only thing keeping me going right now. i feel like i'm starting to understand how happiness is achieved. my only problem is that i'll never be able to do any of it. as anyone with depression knows, it's a cycle of inaction and further depression.
i used to be a sine curve of happiness and unhappiness, and i could clearly look back and see which points, or at what events the curve starting going back. and though i did suffer some great pains, the joy was overwhelming too. i do truly believe that some of my happiest times was in my teen years and high school. but for some long time now, i realized that i haven't been a sine curve.
the past few years have been a big blur for me. i still haven't come out of it to see clearly what kind of time i've been having.