backbone
@ 1:14 p.m.
I thought I'd write cause I have too much free time at work. I slept most of the morning, and I did some work earlier, now there's about 2 or 3 hours left, and I still have to take my lunch. I don't like these days because too much free time stresses me out. pretending to do work can actually be really difficult... especially since they moved our desk and now people walk by me sometimes. at my old desk, I really didn't have to try and I could do whatever the fuck I wanted cause no one walked by me at all. Now boredom can be a really bad thing.
Lately I've been feeling a really bad strain between what my mother wants for me, and how I need to get it from c. I know my mom just wants what's best for me, and that's why she's trying to push c to propose, but when I honestly think about it, I don't really care about being married or not. I sometimes wonder if I'm stuck in this delusion that maybe I can be young forever. Or at least I can act like it. The only real reason I feel a rush to get married is because I'm somewhat jealous of everyone else that is, and I want to say that I am married to. Not for the sake of who I'm married to, but just to rub noses to other people that I'm just as good. Also I suppose there's the fact that I'd rather be married if I were to have kids, and even though I haven't decided on that issue, if I were to have kids, I would really prefer it to be before I'm 30. I don't think I'm in great health anymore. and I hurt my back again about a month ago, and it still hasn't fully recovered. I've been getting weird pains lately too. In any case though, it's not like I have any friends, so what does it really matter if I'm married or not. It's weird that my mom is trying to do this for my sake, yet it ends up being that I need to push c for marriage for her sake. Even if I told her truth, she wouldn't understand it and she would call me a fool. It makes me feel kind of guilty to try to push c, but I do just want to get the whole thing over with already. Thinking about it gives me a headache.
I'm sure I haven't mentioned this but c got 4 traffic tickets since last October or so. pretty much since he started his job. the first 2 were speeding tickets, and after that we talked, and he said he would wake up earlier and drive slower. i think the main problem stems from the fact that in LA, people drive badly and even the cops are used to it, but outside of LA, which he drives through because his commute is so far, people actually do give a fuck about how fast you're going, and if you're driving well. well he got those 2 speeding tickets in oct and nov. then he a ticket for making a u-turn and there was a no u-turn sign. I think that happened in January. That was bullshit because we went back and looked at the area, there were no "no u-turn" signs. I was hoping that would be the end of it but a week or two ago, c got another ticket for speeding. the officer said he was driving 80mph, even though everyone else around him were only doing 75. I guess I bring this up mainly because, he went to court for the no u-turn case today. He prepared everything and I was really nervous. We thought perhaps he had some kind of proof that there was a temporary sign that was there on the day he made that u-turn. Well, the cop didn't even show up to court, so c automatically won the case. I'm really glad of course that this means he won't have a point on his record. But I'd wish that the cop who didn't show up would be on one of the speeding tickets. those would be a lot harder to prove innocence. c already did traffic school for the first one, so he has to fight the other 2 tickets. he set one of them up for July, but since the other one is so new, there's no date even set up yet. I just wish the tickets would stop. it's driving me nuts. I get so edgy in the morning, anticipating that maybe he's gotten another ticket. I have no clue if we can win these other 2 tickets, but I hope it'll work out.
oh yeah, the house buying thing. well, my mom put me in an awful spot. she didn't want c's name on the house because we weren't married. she was giving the money to me for the down payment on the house, so I know she was only looking out for my interest, that if we separated, the house would be mine. however, c didn't want to live in a house he didn't own, and paying rent to a house that he didn't own, meanwhile the house would belong to me and i wouldn't be paying rent. i think he also saw it as a slap in his face, as in that we weren't treating him as equals or as if we just didn't trust him. (his analogy was making him sign a pre-nup) I find both of them to be somewhat stubborn. my mom was willing to add his name after we married, but then that defeats the purpose if we got divorced, he'd still be able to have a claim on the house. and c was being stupid too because all he would have to do is wait a year, and the house would be his anyway. all it did was left me very stressed and very tired, and i was upset about it. in the end, c said that it was probably best if we just didn't buy a house. it's not like we really needed it. i think that probably was the best decision. the two of them drives me nuts sometimes. sometimes i wish i had more of a backbone. I'm pretty sure that's my number one problem to all of this. i just want to make everyone around me happy and not argue, but it's impossible between c and my mom. my mom seems to think that my lack of backbone means that i love c more than he loves me. i suppose in some ways, it could be true. I think that I do things for him to make him happy, and i kind of go out of my way to so that he could be happier, but i don't think my mom realizes that i do this for her too. maybe that's the only way I know how to express that I care. meanwhile, c is not necessarily like that. it probably stems from the fact that c has a backbone.
anyway, it was for the best we didn't buy a house. we only saw 1 house we really liked, and that wasn't even the perfect house or anything. we might've ended up being stuck with a house that wasn't so good in the end... who knows? also in other news, the game that c's company was working on has gotten canceled. everybody in the company is working to come up with new ideas and such to make a new game, but because they were originally going to launch a big game (equivalent to like a blockbuster movie) they hired a whole bunch of people... now they may have to lay off people. no decisions have been made yet, because it hasn't come to that, but obviously it may be a possibility, and c may be laid off, who knows. so we probably shouldn't be looking to move or buy houses if that's the case.
i thought this year was going to be great, and that all things would happen. it seems like it might just end up being another same old year. i don't even know what i think or what i want. well, i guess i wish i could be married already, and a big reason for that is because i'm sick of my mom bothering me about that.