aloneness
@ 9:47 p.m.
has it been almost a month since i last wrote in here? i find that so unbelievable but when i think about it, yea a lot of time has passed by hasn't it? i've been trying to write in here for over 2 weeks, but i guess it's picking up a little bit at work (well i was so bored i started asking around for work, and also my manager added on a few things) and when i'm not busy at work, i get distracted by other things just cause i don't feel like writing. i've been trying to write at home too but i always feel like my desk is uncomfortable for longer periods of typing. so here i am on my old computer, which i probably haven't touched since at least the end of last year.
i feel like the words used to come easier to me. now it feels like i'm struggling with each sentence and thought. maybe even my thoughts are too hard to organize to come up with a coherent entry.
well, let's see... today out of necessity i stayed on facebook, and i think definitely for too long. i've been thinking about this and wondering what it is about it exactly that gets me so upset about facebook. and i think it's just because i feel so lonely about the fact that other people have friends. other people hang out with other people. other people take pictures of hanging out with other people. and the second problem is of course as usual that all these other people seem to be better off than me. i mean, i don't think everyone is doing better than me, but they generally seem to have one of it going for them. if they're not super successful or in some way better than me, then they have some awesome friend pictures or some great hobby. i guess they have something awesome to show off, and i feel like i don't have anything to show off. i don't think that's a true fact or anything, but for some reason when you're on facebook, you forget that. all i can think is, wow this person got married, or this person is studying so and so in new york city, or this person got married and moved to new york! it just makes me feel like i've been living in my parent's basement. i wish i wasn't so insecure too. i think about how i might get closer to a few friends, like maybe i could meet up with a pen pal... i never imagined doing that before, but then a couple years ago, one or two of my pen pals mentioned that they had met some of their pen pals, and it just got me thinking why not me? but i just feel so awkward, i don't know how to ask. i don't know how to say let's meet up. and i couldn't even imagine what it would be like to meet up. i haven't been social in a really long time. i mean, sure there are some times i've hung out with c's friends, and a couple of work related social events, but besides that i haven't really done anything social by myself since college, and that was a disaster. i guess there was also meeting alex last summer, but that felt awkward to me and i don't feel like i hit it off. the thing is, i just don't know how to be relaxed, and another problem is, i don't know what people do for fun. my idea of fun is just hanging out at a friend's house and just watching some tv, maybe drinking or getting high possibly. i feel like in a way i have no personality. or if i have a personality, it's not a good one. i'm tired of people thinking that i'm mean. i used to pride myself on speaking my mind, but i feel like it's only driven away possible friendships. i guess they are really only c's friends so whatever, but it's all i have, so i guess i should try to work harder just because of that. but then if i don't behave that way, i find myself being quiet and unsure how to act... maybe that's part of why i'm unsure how to act, because i don't know what i should be saying so that the other person doesn't think that i'm a freak, or i'm mean, or anything else not positive. i don't undersatnd why it has to be this hard.
a few minutes ago when i was in teh shower, i was thinking about what if i posted something on facebook asking for someone to talk to, someone that could listen or care. i had to wonder who would even bother to message me.. who would really care honestly? and i know that i would never post something like that on facebook. for one thing, it's such an attention whore thing to do. like, if i saw someone posting something like that, i'd think they were an attention whore. and then i wondered what would happen if just didn't say anything and just killed myself or something because i was going through such a tough time. i wondered if people would think, oh if only they said something. it seems kind of like a catch 22. i know some people out there have so many friends. i just want one. i want one best friend. i get that i have c; i am lucky to have him. i know everyone is out there wishing for a nice bf or whatever, and i'm lucky to have that... but a friend should be much easier to obtain right? yet why do i have such a hard time? i just want one friend.. someone i could talk to, and would be nice if i could just hang out with them. i really wish i could have that with marcos, because i feel so comfortable just doing whatever with him. unfortunately, marcos seems to take his friends for granted. i think if he could, he'd choose to spend all his time by himself at home. but he actually has friends, and they ask him to hang out and such. i wish me and marcos could be great friends, but i know he doesn't really see me as nothing special.
i think what's especially bringing on these feelings is that i've just been home by myself a majority of the time... without c. the last 2 weeks of school, he's been just as busy if not more so. and then for finals week, it's almost peaked to where i've talked to him just a few hours. i think that's really starting to wear me down. it's definitely been more than a week since i've spent a good chunk of time with him. this past friday, he left as soon as i got home. he didn't come home til late. after he finally work up on saturday, we laid in bed together an hour. then he was gone to school. but luckily i got to spend a bit of time with him, but only cause i asked to go to father's office (this bar we like), but he brought a friend along, so it wasn't even like private. i don't really mind that it wasn't private, except to say that i haven't had much private time with him at all. we probably only stayed like an hour there... then he dropped me off at home, while he went back to school to work on more stuff. he stayed there all night and didn't come home until late into sunday. then of course, the week started and i see him in bed in the morning, but it's not like i can talk to him while he's asleep. again, i don't even know what time he comes home last night, and now it's 10:30pm, and i have no clue what time he's coming home. with the amount of time he's gone, i could be fucking cheating on him! but i guess the point is that with him being gone so much, the loneliness has been especially hard on me. i know it's going to be all over very soon... and thank god for it, because between having free time to do my own thing and not any at all cause he wants to do stuff all the time, i'd choose the latter. today was his demo day at school, so i think this means that more or less everything is over. i know officially his finals are supposed to end tomorrow. his graduation day is on friday, so i can't imagine that we wouldn't be able to spend time together soon.
speaking of that, i bought tickets to our local radio station's concert. it's called kroq's weenie roast. it has a whole bunch of bands performing, and i like about 80% or so of the bands performing, which is the best they've ever done, because usually it's only about 50%, so i've never been to any of their concerts before... but i'm most looking forward to jimmy eat world and the black keys performing. I've actually never even gone to a concert before so for that i'm pretty anxious about the whole thing. i really want things to go back to normal already, i feel anxious about that too. it's been so long since it's been normal, i've now gone to the point where i start feeling paranoid and panicking, like what if things won't go back to the way they were?
you know sometimes i want to do more with my life, have more motivation and really get things done... and have more interest, especially in things like nature, science, and even arts too, but it's so difficult to find the strength, and how do you force interests upon yourself when you just simply don't find it interesting? it's so much easier just to get a drink and feel lulled as you watch meaningless netflix TV... which is what i'll be doing now that i'm done with this entry.
i feel like messaging c something but don't know what to say. i don't think that's normal for someone who's been together 6 and a half years. it should all just be natural. i'm starting to get paranoid that this is the start of something bad.
god and speaking of motivation, i wish i could get motivated to change this layout. i still do like this layout, but i find now that it's a bit hard to read cause the width isn't long enough. i think it's been years since i updated it.