jason
@ 11:09 a.m.
seems i haven't written in over 2 weeks. i think i keep meaning to but something comes up or i dont know. other things have been keeping me distracted while at work, so in short i guess i wasn't "bored" enough to write in here. to be honest, not much has happened and not much to report.
so c's semester ends in 4 weeks according to him and i really feel like i'm counting down the weeks. each week is so stressful and i never know what to expect. not this past week, but the week before, c called me on tuesday and on thursday and he was crying and upset over stress of school. it's better than his panicked i'm going to kill myself calls, but it still stresses me out nonetheless. but i guess they're easier to get through and i'd chose them over the other. i'm still so scared when he calls me sometimes that it's going to be a panicked call. i have to keep telling myself it will be done with soon.
so i guess there's been no luck to work at riot. i can't remmeber if i had mentioned working at riot before but oh well. i know he really wanted to work at riot, but it's been so many months and he's not heard anything. i think he may end up working with our roommate, but i don't even want to count on that because nothing is set in stone. i really hope he does work there though... work anywhere. since our roommate offered it, i feel like i'm really counting on it. if he doesn't find a job, it would be really stressful i think.
i woke up this morning dreaming about people from high school. that i was in band again. i'm pretty sure i was playing violin, but i only really remember the events afterwards. i was trying to get everything organized to go to this restaurant (i think) and we ended up taking a bus to go there. it was only while on the bus that jason said to me that he was thinking that we could all take one car and drive there. and i realize what a smarter idea that would've been. but i berate him for not being more organized and telling me that idea sooner. but the entire bus ride, all i could think about was how i'd really want to take this opportunity to re-form our friendship. i kept thinking about what i could say to him to make sure that we remain good friends this time. i thought about the comment he made a long time ago, that he'd thought that i was a good friend of his. i had mentioned some other people i thought he was better friends with (noteably the twins) and he said something along the lines of, what the fuck does the twins know about me. and implied that he could count on me, but not on them. ever since i re-read these words a few years ago in one of my diaryland entries, i haven't been able to get it out of my head. and i must admit that i'd always thought about being friends with jason again. also in the dream was zuri. i think i did want to be friends with her again, but i know i was really thinking about jason more. it seems every once in awhile i still have these dreams about him. about talking to him, about being friends again. but then i wake up and reality sets in. i think i was almost about to try to contact him this time, when i woke up this morning. but now i'm rethinking it over. the time apart has made me forgetful i think. and i'm dreaming only about the good parts, and i'm forgetting that jason has always been a fairly cold friend. he is quiet and mostly keeps to himself. i can't imagine that we'd ever be as good as friends as we were before, because we only hung out in groups of people. i can't image what there'd be to say one on one. and this isn't high school anymore, if we were to meet, i can't imagine anyone else would be there. i'm grasphing at things i really want, without realizing that they're not realistic expectations. maybe for this friendship, there's a reason why it didn't work out past high school. i do wish i could be more sure of that considering, i don't have any friends from high school. so i have nothing to compare with. but anyway, the more i think about it, the more sure i am of my decision. i'm dreaming about something that's not there. kind of like with jeff. actually exactly like that. i'm hoping for something in that someone that's not there. there's no point in setting myself up for disappointment.