slight
@ 2:24 p.m.
so this past thursday, a little before noon i see that i am getting a phone call from c. my senses were prickling. is this a frantic i'm going to kill myself call? i tried to dismiss it and answered. no of course i'm not that lucky. it's definitely a frantic call. which now that i think about it, it should've been obvious as he has class t/th from 11 to approx 12:10ish. it turns out he fell asleep for an hour or so (because he hadn't slept at all the night before) and now he's going to be late to turn in his essay. it's due promptly at the time class starts (11am), and the teacher doesn't accept late essays. he was calling me as he was driving his way to school. he wasn't sure he'd even make it in time to see the professor. but the entire phone call it was all him panicing saying how he's fucked, he's never going to graduate. or he'd cuss at the bad drivers on the road, or at people who wouldn't let him over, or at people who wouldn't go on greens (in reality, it's just that they are responding too slowly to light changes). then he would sob a bit, and then repeat this cycle... for about the 15-20 minute the drive was. he got there around 12:10, and then later called me to let me know that he didn't make it to the class. everyone was already gone. he was going to wait for the office hours at 1pm. he waited there until after about 1:10, at which time he found out from someone that was in that department that she was gone for the weekend (week? they're on spring break now) at some writing convention in las vegas. apparently she had already left. so he ended up just leaving the essay in her box, and writing her an email. the guy that was there would let the professor know that c was there waiting. well, i have to say he had calmed down quite a bit by the time he called me after trying the class. i was surprised by it. i thought for sure i was in for another disaster in whic i would have to convince him it's not the end of the world, and it's not worth taking your life. but he didn't seem to need much convincing at all. then later on he went to hang out at some friends to watch a movie (it was planned ahead of time and i didn't want to go cause i didn't care for the movie) and we spoke a bit briefly on the phone, and he acted as if none of that shit had happened today. i feel like i'm growing more and more numb to it. i almost feel like i am preparing myself for the day that i can't convince him and he does indeed kill himself. and i know this sounds bad of me, but i'm tired of needing to convince him. it's been such a flash of reality ever since the previous time that he paniced. that this is what he's actually like. that he doesn't really want to live. i feel like it is a slight at me. i know he doesn't mean for it to be that way, but i can't help but think it as that. and ever since i found this out, there's been this sadness in me that i can't cure. i don't know if it will ever go away. the only reason it doesn't show or doesn't seem to affect me too much is that i more or less take all negativity and turn it into my usual nothingness. it's made me feel even number than usual.
i also found out that apparently c and my brother had a bit of a chat about what i had talked about in my previous entry. on the one hand, i am glad that c is talking to him because i don't think whatever i say will get through to him, so i hope that maybe what c says will. on the other hand, it makes me extremely upset that he can't seem to do that with me. i can't imagine a more one sided conversation if i were to bring it up to him. and i've stopped bothering to discuss anything adult related. i'm sorry, i mean lecture. i wish i wouldn't be upset over it, but i can't help but feel slighted here too. i feel like nobody cares about me.
then last night i fell asleep early on the bed. it really was meant to be more of a nap than anything. but i think i was really enjoying my sleep, i think it was because i was having a good dream, though about what i couldn't tell you. then c was yelling something and i woke up. it's his usual being loud while playing lol self. i commented to him something like, "you're being really loud." then he got so defensive and said something like, "well maybe you shouldn't be going to sleep at around like 9!" to which i responded, "well it was only really supposed to be a nap". i don't understand why it's so hard to talk to him. i've tried to be as neutral about it as possible, but no matter what i say, all he hears is me yelling, "it's your fault!" (and i don't even yell...) then later on he asks me if i'm upset or something, asks me what i'm thinking. i couldn't quite remember what he said because i was watching TV by then and didn't want to talk about it. the funny thing is i had already gotten over the whole thing, until he brought it up. and then for the rest of the show i was thinking about it. i asked myself, it is my fault that i was awoken while he was being loud? i feel like that's what he was implying. so i try to calmly state my point of view... and i forget what he said in response, but it was again loud and defensive, and something like "so it's all my fault that i'm loud then?" or something else equally antagonizing. but i'm sure if we had a discussion about what happened, i bet he'd say that i'm the one being antagonizing. so i more or less said "whatever" and we didn't end up talking about it anymore. then i spent the rest of the night watching tv, while he continued to play lol, until i think around maybe 12 when i went to bed. then he came to bed later and told me that he loved me and asked if i loved him, and i said yes of course i love you. and then he started watching tv, though i had fallen asleep. i woke up later on when he was all frustrated, complained to me how he couldn't fall asleep (because it was too early i guess). it was 2am by then. i told him that well, he could stay up and do whatever, and said that he could go play lol if he wanted to, but he just said no that he'd be too loud. i told him to watch some stuff, but he said he'd already been watching for awhile and couldn't fall asleep. i don't remember what happened after that cause i fell asleep. i don't know for how much more longer he lied there before he fell asleep. and now sometime this morning, i realized that it was his way of apologizing to me, and his way of trying to make me happy. i feel like he doesn't seem to know how to solve problems very well, but i guess he's trying.
on the other hand, i can't tell if i'm going to have a stress less week or not. i should be happy it's spring break, so he can't call me and i'd be worried whether it's a good or bad type of phone call. (i doubt he'll call me this week either) on the other hand, i have to wonder if he'll be up til 5 am or something keeping me awake again.
i can see myself becoming more and more numb to it all. and i think that to an extent i hate writing in here, because i feel so much more emotional thinking about it and analyzing it. if i just put it away then i wouldn't be so bothered. just writing this, i almost felt like breaking out crying, even though i didn't feel like that at all when all of these events actually happened in real time.