my brother
@ 11:34 a.m.
so i'm pretty sure i might have mentioned this before, but my brother has a crush on our friend marcos. i know realize it was less bothersome that it was marcos and not our other friends, because marcos is a pretty understanding guy. we've been friends with him for a long time, c even more so. plus, he's not really the type of person to go on and blab out something like, "can you believe so and so likes me? what a loser!" or something equally offensive. in short, he takes it like a soldier. the thing is, none of this would be a big deal, but my brother makes it so painfully obvious. and i do mean painfully. it's painful for me to watch, and i can only imagine that it's painful for others. it's kind of like watching tv shows where you know this person is going to make a fool of themselves and you want to stop the train wreck, but you're a viewer and can only watch in horror. a great example is malcolm (from malcolm in the middle) in most episodes where he's trying to talk to girls, but come off sounding retarded. with my brother, it's obvious comments, and extra attention... all of it all painfully obvious. it's worse with marcos because from what i understand my brother has told marcos how he feels (and marcos is not gay or interested). i think marcos basically said that he's not into that, but it doesn't keep my brother from touching him (like you would a crush) and talking to him (like you would to a crush), and marcos is too nice to dissuade him. he just kind of lets it happen. i mean, he doesn't respond to it, but he definitely doesn't tell my brother to stop. it's kind of like watchinv a love sick puppy going after someone who's clearly not interested in them, yet they still keep trying anyway. it's just sad and pathetic. but i've not done much of anything... except one thing. i warned him that when he moved in with us, that he needed to stop acting like that, at least in every body's presence because it makes us uncomfortable. nobody wants to see that kind of behavoir. me and c always act more friendly than anything else around our friends. it's partially cause that's what we're used to, and on my part at least, it's also definitely because i don't want to feel embarrased by acting like that in front of all these people. what i do with him is not really my friend's business. but anyway, i didn't want to put too much pressure on him about it, lest he thinks i was acting out against him because he was gay or something, and i was kind of scared that maybe i was being prejudice against him for being gay without really realizing it, but i'm now realizing that it's the root of his behavoir that heavily bothers me. and i realize this because i now see that my brother has moved on to a new crush (although i believe he still does like marcos), which is Ris. i think they've known of each other for awhile, but they only recently met a few times, but yesterday ris came over, and my brother made a comment that immediately made it very clear that he likes him. even his comment is painful to hear. his words were "welcome home ris" while it doesn't seem that bad at first glance, it's actually pretty bad in multiple ways. for one thing there's the fact that it's not like ris lives here, so what do you mean welcome home? it makes it come off as if he's been waiting for him, and finally he's here!! then there's the way he said it. it sounded so formal, further emphasizing that he seems to really care about the fact that he's there. and that leads to the fact that he addressed him by his name together with the formal speech, which multiplies that formality even more so... and it all leads to the conclusion of "I'm so glad you're here!" the kind of glad that you usually reserve for a friend you haven't seen in a long time, and i mean like a close friend, or a loved one you haven't seen in awhile. considering how long my brother has known him, it was entirely inappropriate. and yes, just that one comment confirmed to me that he has a crush on ris, though i'd had my suspicions before. plus, another reason why it's further so obvious is because my brother really doesn't talk or associate with people who doesn't seem to like. i'm his sister and he rarely talks to me. and i don't think he ever really talks to our roommate at all. plus, i've seen him growin up all my life, i know how he normally behaves. anyway, i bring this all up partially to vent, but the othe reason is that i've come to the realization that no, this has nothing to do with the fact that he's gay. i'm sickended because he acts digustingly, and i can say that with certainty because i can just imagine being mad at a little sister for throwing herself all over my male friends, friends that are VERY OBVIOUSLY not into her, and yet she doesn't seem to care and acts like an idiot anyway. and it makes me so embarrased for my brother! I'M FUCKING EMBARRASED FOR MYSELF because of his actions! but i don't think i can talk to him, or at least i don't feel comfortable talking to him about this. and the reason largely stems from the fact that it's embarrasing to talk about. plus, i almost feel like it'll be in vain. he won't listen. and i say this because he didn't seem to act any differently around marcos even after i told him to stop "flirting" with marcos in the company of others. i even told him, he can act however he wants when other people aren't around, but don't make everyone uncomfortable by being like that. he hasn't changed how he behaves around marcos one bit. i wonder if he was even listening to me?
and i've been bothered by the fact that all my life, while growing up, my brother always seemed to want to be friends with my friends. he used to add people from my buddy list onto his, if he'd even met them once, and sometimes talk to them. any of my friends who were nice, just thought it was kind of cute and kinda spoke to him a bit (after all my brother is 8 years younger than me), there was one really nice one who actually befriended him pretty much. so now that i've run out of friends, he seems to now be moving on to my brother. i don't see how he can NOT be embarrased. I feel so uncomfortable sometimes hanging around c's friends. I feel like such a tagalong, like these aren't my friends, i'm just here because c brought me along. i wouldn't know or be friends or hang out with these people if it wasn't for c, so i never quite feel comfortable. my brother has no concept of this thought, and if i did mention it to him, i'd bet that he'd find it illogical even. he always seems to act like it's his right to be friends with these people. and he delves right in without any of these complexes that i seem to have. this is another reason i feel embarrased for him. i guess my overall problem with him is that i don't like how he behaves. so yesterday c mentioned that we're going out to drink and "everybody" will be there. i asked him who everybody would be but he didn't really answer, just said the usual people. and i became worried that my brother might be one of them. as he is now, i don't want him hanging out with me, with us. the bottom line is 1. i don't want him to embarrase me with his awful behavoir, and 2. why doesn't he get his own friends?? the latter sounds petty, i know but i think the reason it bothers me so much is because of my own complexes growing up and being labeled as a "tagalong". i don't care if my brother wanted to be friends with c's friends or my friends, but when you don't bring your own friends and we don't get to know them, it means you have nothing to contribute and it's like you're only taking up space.
i realize i'm probably being kind of cruel, but i don't think this is anything i could explain to my brother that he would be able to understand. it would really only work if it came from a friend or possibly even a stranger. it's like touching that hot stove, your parents try to tell you it's hot but you don't believe them, and it's only until you experience that awful burn do you realize the truth in the matter. right now, i just don't want to be associated with him.
you know, i think he'd be hurt if he knew i thought this of him, but another part of me feels hurt by him. i've tried to share experiences with him and open up with him, but then it feels like a lecture almost because he just sits there and takes it like a stone, and unmoving stone. when you open up and try to have a conversation about something, you talk back with thoughts, advice, some kind of reaction. he doesn't say much but "i see". what the fuck does he see exactly? that's what lectures are. one sided talking, and the other one listens. and then there was that incident where he didn't seem to want to accept me on facebook. he made a big deal out of nothing because for one thing i don't even go on facebook that much so i wouldn't even check his page i'm sure. his excuse was that he didn't really want me to see what he was thinking about or writing about, but then later he said, i guess it's not a big deal and you could approve yourself (cause his facebook page was open on the computer when we were talking about it), i said that's oka, and he never confirmed to add me by himself. is he embarrased by me? am i not good enough to show the world i'm his friend? he's got c on there as his friend, and i'd bet by now he's found ris. i don't understand... if they're good enough why am i not? is he embarrased to show me what he's been saying? if that's the case, why do you still act like a retard with our friends? the whole thing pisses me off. he's such a child and i have to be honest, that i don't know how to deal with him. even if i ended up talking to him, i'd be talking to a rock again. is this what it feels like to raise a problematic child?
this also did make me realize how my mother used to have felt when i was growing up. she used to "lecture" me too. and i didn't know what to say to her, so i usually stayed quiet and didn't have much to contribute to the conversation. i guess i didn't speak because i didn't know what to say to make the situation better. and another part was because my mother used to be pretty uptight and valued chinese thinking and thought. i'd always worried that if'd open my mouth, it would only make things worse. after all, i couldn't say any of the things i had been thinking in my head. but i don't think i was ever like that to my friends... maybe i should be asking my brother if he sees me as a friend or as a parent? maybe that's the problem. i think i'd almost be pissed if he did think i was a parent, considering i've never done much of anything to control or tell him what to do. and ever since he's lived with us, i haven't ever scolded him, and rarely ever tell him what to do. i just don't know what to do with him. i now wish that he wasn't living with me so i didn't have to deal with him. i saw him living here as an opportunity to maybe get close and to actually be like siblings, it seems like all he cares about is the fact that he has freedom now.