c 1, universe 1,000
@ 12:37 p.m.
well i haven't been here in forever. i guess there wasn't much to say as nothing had really changed.
last monday (was it only last monday? wow fuck last week seemed long) i went with my parents to file the final documents needed to proceed with their divorce, called the judgement. I was there mainly because my parent's english is weak. so I guess the divorce is pretty much final now. we're supposed to wait 3 weeks to 3 months for an answer back. if the judge grants it, then the divorce is finally (after 6 months from the original file date). otherwise, we have to fix whatever the judge wants us to fix and then re-submit it. I'm not sure how i feel about the whole thing. it's just sad. I thought that since my parents had stuck togehter so long, that they'd see through it through the end. I guess they would've too if it wasn't for my dad. Ironically my dad has more to lose (imo) then my mom. but i don't even think my dad cares. i think it's probably his mid life crisis, except it's a bit late maybe.
anyway, the reason i wanted to write wasn't really cause of that, but i thought i'd put it in there as it is kind of significant. anyway, how to even go about explaining this? last thursday c calls me up. i can always tell when something's wrong when he calls me right away, just by how he greets me. he doesn't really have any inbetween moods, either everything is fine, and he's called do discuss something not very important, or something bat shit insane has gone down and nothing's going to fix it so he's going to kill himself. for a long while, i sometimes would be scared to take his calls because i was worried it would be the latter. it's starting to get harder in the sense that i don't feel like i have the right words, or the convincing words to make him feel better anymore. anyway so what happened was that he forgot to click "submit" on this time card. he thought he had clicked it but it was just save button, not a submit. apparently this had happened before, so he was given a warning that if it ever happened again, he'd be fired. so his supervisor said to him, "you know what happens if you forget a time card" and then she proceeded to give him a time card so he could fill out the hours for his recent week, so they could make sure that the at least got paid for that. if you haven't figured it out by now, yes he was calling me upset, wanting to kill himself because he got fired. i could understand why this would place him in a state fo panic, i do think it's kind of understable on some levels, but i have the ability to look at this in perspective, in the long run, it's just a lost job, nothing to kill yourself over. this is skill c doesn't have. anyway, he said he was at the school parking lot, on one of the higher stories, not sure if it was the highest one, and he kept repeating that he was going to jump. the root of the problem is that c doesn't have much hope that he'll ever find a job. and it's just a problem, or maybe it's a pattern that's been occurring so much that he can't help but see it as a fact. for example, there was his first job at EB games, in which it took him forever to get, but he was only hired on as seasonal (it was for during the christmas sales), but then they did say that they would probably keep a few people for permanent. unfortunately, c was called probably to work a total of maybe 5 times, and then c couldn't make some of the schedule because it was just bad timing, either cause of school or something else, i couldn't remember. then because of that, he never got much work, so they didn't give him one of the permanent positions, so i guess he was let go. after that he had tried to find numerous other jobs, and applied for them, and pretty much a majority of the time, the people interviewing him would be like, "yeah you're great" and give him this "We'll totally hire you" vibe, but then they never call. a few of the jobs, c would go back to ask for an update, if there's any news, but then they sometimes wouldn't even give him a straight answer. a lot of the times it was like, "well, management says they're still looking" or "we haven't decided yet" for weeks. then there was this job he got during one summer. it was shitty job because the people there treated him like shit, and the people that were his bosses were stupid, but he stayed on for the experience. the company was making the TV show "spaceballs the animated series". c was working 10 hrs a day, at least 5 days a week, and i think at nearly miniumum wage if i remember correctly. in any case, it lasted maybe a month or two. c even decided not to take classes that semester because of that job, and he got fired after like the 3rd week of school or so. they didn't really explain why he got fired of course, but c believes he knows. a few of his manager smokes pot during their breaks, and c made a comment to them that their eyes were bloodshot, and then they denied it, but c foolishly insisted that they were bloodshot. i don't think he's ever quite gotten over it. i've long forgotten about this, but i know he probably dwells on this a lot, that he made such a dumb mistake, and that he's pissed off because they were such assholes but they still had a job. after that he didn't work for awhile, but he tried to find things, all unsuccessfully. it seemed more of the leading him by a string routine. he did finally find a job at this after school extracurricular type class where he taught c and c#, they paid him like $20 an hr, but unfortunately, they wouldn't give him many hours a week. that went alright for about 2 years i guess. the problem with them was that they were disorganized as fuck. they never really told him what classes he would be teaching that semester or whatever, and he would constantly have to call and nag to find out when he was supposed to go in to teach his class. so i guess sometimes last year or maybe two years ago, he became a teacher's aide at school. and then i guess he got so busy and didn't want to deal with their shit anymore that he only focused on this job at school. i hadn't even brought up the other teaching job last thursday because i didn't know where he stood with them. it's been forever since he mentioned them, and he never did explain exactly why he stopped teaching there. plus, there's also what happened at microsoft, and i forget if i said, but no, he didn't get the job at NVIDIA either. he didn't really want that job so he wasn't upset about it, but i know he's thinking that it's just more and more of the universe having a laugh at his expense. he says that all his life everyone just strings him along, until the last minute, they tell him NOPE! and slip the rug from underneath him and he's sick of it. he even analogized it to as if someone was having a terminal disease in which they were suffering daily, and basically waiting to die in pain. and he asked me if i would keep holding onto that person selfishly even if they were in pain, and they were just going to die. i think he really seems to believe that his fate will the be the same no matter how he gets there. i'm not sure he's really even hoping anymore. i think he did used to. of course, i did eventually talk him out of suicide. we were going to come up with maybe a game plan to try to fix this. i kept telling him that he didn't even know for sure that he actually lost his job. it's not like the supervisor had officially said it. it basically ended with, lets confirm if you're even fired before we discuss other scenerios. so he checks his email and apparently the supervisor had already emailed him saying that they were going to give him one more shot. he was relieved, and i was glad it was all fixed, but i mentioned to him as a joke that he probably thinks that this is the universe's ways of yanking his chain a bit more before slipping the rug under him again. and he said that that actually was how he felt.
the whole thing has kind of made me weary because well i don't want to say i didn't take it seriously, because i did, but i guess i took it with a grain of salt. i didn't really believe in that kind of outcome, but it's now gotten me really worried. i used to think i'm sure it'll be fine, and everything will work itself out, but now i can't help but worry. what if it doesn't work itself out? what if he doesn't end up getting a job after he graduates for months, and then he does end up taking his life. i don't think i'm strong enough to make everything all better. and i feel tired by the whole thing. just exhausted when i think about it. and i've been almost thinking that i have to be weary of the next time he's upset again. it's made me really weary that maybe one day he will be gone. and i don't feel like i can do anything about it. i worry one day i will lose my resolve. i will be too tired to fight. i will give in and he may even end up convincing me it's the right thing to do. i had said to him a long time ago that if he didn't end up getting a job that i would leave him. i can't remember exactly the terms. i'm not sure if i had said, a good paying job or any job, or specifically that he get a job after he graduates, it could've been any of those things. he mentioned to him that (with his luck) he'll never get a job, and he's just saving me grief, because i don't want to be with someone who doesn't have a job. i didn't know how to respond to it because i wasn't sure how i would feel if he still didn't find a job after he graduated. i'd be OK with him taking on any mediocre job, but i don't think he could accept that because he's so worried about his debt. (it's not even that bad, it's about 30k.) i told him that i could help him with that. i could easily pay half of that right now, but he doesn't want my help, he doesn't want me to spend my savings. he is not comfortable about the whole thing. i'm willing to do anything to help him get through it, but he's just looking at it as that i'm delaying the inevitable, that it's not worth trying and we should both give up (on him). i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel. i don't know if i will always have this will to fight. it's so draining and now i can't help but wonder if it will all be for naught? i feel so terrible thinking these things, like i should be strong for him, but i feel so unsure inside. the battle hasn't technically began yet but i feel like maybe we can't win. i don't want to think too much about it, and i just want to leave it as it is. i really don't know what's the right thing to do here. i can keep hoping (i probably will) that he'll get a job by graduation, but what happens if he doesn't? or if he does get a job, what if he eventually gets fired? what needs to be for it to be enough that he won't believe the universe is against him? i don't want it to be like this my whole life.