birthday anxiety
@ 3:10 p.m.
ever had one of those days where you're jumpy all day? that's kind of how it's been for me today and i'm really really annoyed by it.
this is the first year in a long time where i really seem to be having a hard time forgetting it's my birthday and it's really annoying. and the fact that i'm jumpy about it is really annoying.
i can't remember if i had this my trouble in my previous years (i don't think so..) but i haven't really written about my brithday in a long time on diaryland so i can't be 100% sure.
i guess last year i didn't really care about work because i hadn't been there that long, no one knew my birthday, so i knew for sure that nobody was going to say anything or get me anything. it was secure. how could i expect anything if they didn't know? and i knew they didn't know. the subject about my birthday had never come up. and in the previous years when i had my birthday, it was at the old job where nobody ever said anything about anyone's birthday, so i obviously wasn't expecting anything. well, here at this job, people actually acknowledge birthdays, with more than just a happy birthday greeting. so in november (i believe), it was one of our co-worker's birthday and we were gathered together to briefly sing happy birthday and share a bit of cake. during this, one of the other coworkers asked me when my birthday was and questioned if we had done anything for my birthday that year (2012), and i stated that no, nobody had (cause duh no one knew my birthday) she became a bit adamant that we had done something, even after i told her that i remember that we hadn't. we didn't really argue over it more than a few sentences, which was a good thing because the conversation might have ended with me getting mad over the fact that she wouldn't believe me.
so anyway, my birthday was thrown out there. so all of this morning, i couldn't help but keep wondering if someone was going to remember. had they planned something for me? they planned something for everyone else. though, it was a bit last minute, but it only seemed fair that i should get something if they all did too right? but i really didn't count on much and it was lucky because i would've been severely disappointed. it turns out that that woman who was adamant we did something for my birthday called in sick today, and she also informed me that the manager would be in a meeting this morning and afterwards would work from home. right after i heard that, i'd pretty much accepted that nobody in the office was going to remember my birthday and that i wasn't going to get cake or anything.
and i have a feeling that once the next birthday happens and we're celebrating it, that same woman will still be adamant that not only did we do something for me last year, they definitely did something for me this year. and the more i say something about her being wrong, the more of an ass i'll look, i'm sure of it. so i might end up having to suck it up, that they didn't do anything yet of course they did.
on a side note though, i did have a really great day at work. it was easy going today, but i still had some work to keep me busy, also today is the quarterly free luncheon we get for our awesome hard work. i had a great time chatting with co-workers while in line for the food. this doesn't sound like much, but it's probably the most social i've been... ever (at work).
also my dad called me earlier today during lunch. he wanted me to help him pay for something with a credit card online and that he would pay me back. i didn't really want to do it because i'm worried that he won't actually pay me back (he said it was like $200). he's been blowing all his money on that woman he met online, so i don't know where he would get this $200 and in the end i'm worried he'll probably beg me to just give him that $200 and i really don't want to. i told him to just call my brother and tell him to do it, but he didn't seem to want to for some reason, the whole thing was just so fishy. i told him i'll help him after work cause right now wasn't a good time. i don't know if i really want to help him with this. about maybe 2 or 3 hours after that, it occurred to me that my dad called me on my birthday to ask me a favor... to borrow money he possibly has no plans to return. the funny thing was, when i saw him call me, the thought that he migh've been calling to wish me happy birthday hadn't even occurred to me. it's sad and comedic. i'm not even offended that he forgot my birthday and it's just a coincidence that he called me today to ask for help. that's the type of relationship we have. i'm not sure my dad even knows when my birthday is... or maybe that i even have a birthday. and i've gotten so used to it, none of this is surprising to me, and i don't even find it sad, and i can say that that's sad in an objective, sans-emotion sort of way, i don't actually feel sad about it. heck, i just found out yesterday that one of the guys from another dept's last day is today (he's moving out of california) and that's made me feel more sad! i hardly know this guy, we don't talk everyday. i don't even say hi to him everyday.
then there's the fact that i'm anxious about getting home. when i'm home, how should i act? should i lash out at c if he doesn't remember my birthday, which i have a feeling he probably did forget. you know, i probably wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, but last sunday we went out grocery shopping, and on the way home he asked me what date it was, as in the number, not the day of the week. so i wonder if he was thinking and calculating my birthday and it made me get my hopes up. it could've been nothing. he asks me about the date now and then. and even if he did remember on sunday, he has a terrible memory so maybe he'll forget today. but already overall, i've lost the battle with myself, i can't help keep hoping and wondering if he's remembered and it's made me scared to go home. i am scared of being disappointed. i have a bad feeling that i'm going to go home, he's going to be on the computer playing lol. he won't notice me. i'm going to be bummed and then i'll want to cry. then i'll lie in bed (maybe crying), or maybe i'll watch something. and i'll eventually fall asleep... and that will be my birthday.
ugh, i don't want to feel sorry for myself, but it is saddening to know that nobody remembered my birthday. okay, maybe not nobody, but i guess the people i thought would remember. ugh, i don't want to think about this anymore, as i'm typing, i can already feel myself being sorry for myself and feeling like the most unloved person ever. it's depressing and the only way i can shake it off is to not think about it.
i keep telling myself that i could be pleasantly surprised when i get home, but then i tell myself not to think such thoughts because then i'll be that much more disappointed. it's been like this battle the whole entire day. it's fucking ridiculous, they have like facebook, and even fucking skype to remind you it's someone's birthday. nowadays more than ever, i feel like if you really want to remember, you can. Fuck, I'm even using the stupid iphone notification/reminder thing to remember a dentist appointment for later on this month, it's not even hard. i feel like the only thing i can conclude is that nobody gives a shit. i think it's one thing to not really care about your birthday, but it's another altogether to feel this shitty on your birthday. i don't know how the previous years i've managed to get by, not really caring either way, yet this year i've been in total panic mode. i wish i didn't have a birthday.
the only one that proved me differently is my mom, who wished me happy birthday about 20 or 30 minutes ago while i was writing this out. and oh yeah, about 5 minutes later, my dad messaged me that i didn't need to help him to pay for his shit anymore. good.
now it's time to leave work and go home. sigh.