no job, divorce, etc (life)
@ 11:21 a.m.
wow it's almost been 3 weeks since i last posted. that went by really quick. i think i keep meaning to write in here but don't end up doing it.
i feel like i spoke too soon because c went to his microsoft interview last thursday and then yesterday he told me that he heard back and they didn't want him. for some reason, i guess i had thought that they would all want him, every job he interviewed for. but i guess he's only really done 2 interviews... and i thought there was one other one, but i can't be sure about it now. maybe the NVIDIA one he has more of a chance with because after all, they flew him all the way to san jose after multiple phone interviews, and the hotel room and the plane ticket, as well as car rental couldn't have been cheap. all that for a fucking interview. but the microsoft interview was fairly local, though he did stay at a hotel too. although, this hotel was not nearly as fancy as the one NVIDIA had provided. in any case, afterwards c told me that the interview had gone well, and that he seemed to like the job more than the one at NVIDIA. i think he did have his sights on it, otherwise why else would he have been so down yesterday? i guess i'm pretty bummed about it too, but the whole thing made me feel so helpless.
i don't think anyone has nearly as much trouble as c does when it comes to finding a job. he has the worst, shittiest luck of anyone. in comparison to me, it almost seems like jobs fall on my lap. there was a short time when i was worried after i graduated that i wouldn't be able to find anything. i found that full time job at that japanese place (shudder) and though at the time i was so upset to be fired, it was actually a blessing in disguise. i obviously didn't fit there. and then i found a job better suited to me. besides that maybe 2 month interval of unemployment, i've been working since i turned 18 (well i had worked in one other places prior at 16, but for maybe half a year). in any case, this let down at microsoft has reaffirmed c that he will never get a job. it seems like people love to lead him on, and then at that last minute when they are about to say yes, they say no instead. i could tell he was so defeated and there really wasn't anything i could say or do to make it better. he further stated to me that he says he will kill himself if he doesn't find a job by the time he graduates. i couldn't tell if this was just a i'm-so-depressed thought, or if this was thought out in clarity. he's had suicide attacks (the only accurate description i can think of) before when he's had a really shitty day or something extremely bad happens. the last time i can recount was when he had this essay that was due. i can't remember if i wrote about it on here, but he had an essay due on a tuesday, and then on the saturday before, he finally looked to try to find the books, but he had absolutely no luck. he was in a state of panic and kept thinking that he was screwed. the books were like a list of 10 books, and it's not very famous or popular books, it's more like college written findings, you'd almost expect it to be printed on college editorials. i'm sure there's a word for these books, but it's not coming. anyway, some book stores said they could order it but it would take a few days (time he didn't have), the school bookstore stopped carrying it already (i guess nobody bought them?), he tried looking for the books online, but no luck there either. the essay was like 1/3 of his grade too, and he didn't do well on the mid term (1/3) and wasn't thinking he'd do well on the finals (the last 1/3). he was just looking to pass this GE class. so anyway, he was all upset, just wanting to die and i think he was almost going to cry too. i did some searching and finally i found a copy of one of the books online at his school's library website. and then i ended up finding another of the books, but had to buy this one for $40 (but it was worth it cause it was cheaper than purchasing the book in paperback apparently and also yeah now we could do the paper) oh i guess i forgot to mention, yes we needed two of these books!
but that was a minor incident compared to some of the craziness we suffered in the summer.... when he would keep me up at night and i would wake up angry and crazy. god that got so out of hand. i don't know how i could deal with another summer-ful of that. i'm sure it was somehow related to this issue, though i can't really remember how it came about, but it ended with him in the kitchen with a knife talking about how he was going to kill himself. i think it was one of the few times that i left him in the kitchen without trying to fight it out. he said that he had tried to.. but couldn't, but i can't remember the reason why he couldn't now. i think that suicide must be his only way to deal with life's hard problems. this is the only thing i can conclude. when he gets like that though, i don't know what to say to him. i don't have the right words. and he's totally a different person. it sounds retarded, but it almost seems as if he is a mental patient... or maybe they seem that way because that's how "crazy" people act. usually if the moment can passes and i've convinced him not to do it, it's not much of an issue. i think he does think about suicide a lot often than i realized he did. it's scary and frustrating, but in a way, i've learned how he is and in some ways i've been better about calming him down, but all it takes is for one thing and then that would be the difference of life and death, and for me to say that "i think i've got the hang of it" doesn't really mean shit. it's not something i could ever really get the hang of if c's serious about it... so i couldn't tell last night what sort of mood he was in. i'm not sure how serious he is of the fact and how much talking or convincing i need to do. i can't really tell if i should bring it up, or just let it pass. i've just been thinking all morning about what life would be like if he wasn't here? i'm not sure if it's me or if all people are like this but even though i know that he's not who i would've choosen or that i'm not passionate about it (but the point is i'm not passionate about anything)... i guess my point is that he's not that person that moves the unmoveable me (which i know everyone dreams about and hopes for) i still don't know what i would do without him. i feel comfortable, safe and secure with him. i feel like i'm home with him. and i can't imagine that being taken away from me.
if i was religious right now i'm sure i'd be praying every minute. instead, all i can do is hope. i don't know what would happen if he didn't end up getting a job. it's rather bad of me not to think up this scenario, but i thought that we would be fine, cause he was talking about getting interviews and he was acting like everything was fine. it hadn't occurred to me that i need to worry about the possibility that he might be without a job at the time of graduation. fuck, look at shitty shin, he got a job at the time of graduation, and c told me that one of his classmates apparently got hired by microsoft. he is so smart and so good at what he does. he deserves a good job. god knows, he deserves it even more than me. i don't understand why nobody sees that but me?!
on a totally different note, i forget if i've mentioned this yet, but my mom filed for divorce at the end of the year. i've been helping her out with all the paperwork. we're on the last step which is filling out all the judgement paperwork, which is also the hardest part. it all kind of gives me a headache to think about it. but i don't see much of a choice in the matter. i think i'm going to have to help her throughout the entire thing. it makes me mad at my dad and his bullshit. and i'm also sad for my mom. she's not doing well.
ugh, i wonder if i should even bother to bring it up but next friday i'm turning 26. i'm not expecting anything, i don't know how i feel about it. i don't know if it even means anything. i think i might be slightly bothered right now because i feel so down, but i think even under normal circumstances i've been hating my birthday for awhile. everyone tells me that i'm still young and i've got plenty of time, but then why does it feel so much like my time's running out constantly?
i'm not sure if c will do anything for me. i don't really hope for anything, but then again i feel like hoping is out of our control, just like feeling. nobody can actively and consciously choose to hope or not hope for something if subconsciously your mind has already made up to do the opposite. so yea i guess there is a dwindling hope that maybe i'll get something, so then i'm not disappointed. but then again, i know that i'd probably be disappointed by whatever he gets me. how could he get me what i wanted when there's really nothing i want? i feel like the only time presents ever brought you true happiness was when you were a child, and you easily wanted things without regard, and when you got them, those were true joy that you could get from a present you really wanted. now that i'm older i'm so jaded by the whole thing. anything i really want, i would buy for myself (and yet it still doesn't bring me nearly as much joy as a present should) and i think i have that thought ingrained in me that anything anyone gives me i could've just bought it for myself... or worse if it's something i don't care for, then i think no way i would've ever bought that for myself.
sometimes i wonder why i'm so weird and so different, and then i realize oh yea it's cause i have crazy thoughts like these.
i can't help but think that this diary is just a bunch of depressing observations. and while i can objectively realize this, i don't feel like any of these thoughts are that sad. it's just life.