socially gone
@ 9:27 a.m.
after that entry, i was thinking about the fact that i didn't write about my parents getting a divorce at all. I don't know what there even is to say on the matter. they've been arguing their whole lives, and my mom can be unbearable at times I get that, she's super emotional, unnecessarily so, but that doesn't mean it's really her fault. my dad is the one that's interested in other women. in a way, i can't understand the either of them. I'm not happy about the divorce, but I think I've always been a little cold-hearted, and cynical so if I were to say that this has or is going to affect me dramatically I'd be lying. However, it does affect me in the sense that, my mom is super upset about it, and she has no one to turn to and is trying to come to me for help. While I don't mind helping, it's the aspect of helping HER that bothers me. And I don't mean that I don't want to help her, she's just so damn hard to help. I called her yesterday to check up on her cause I was thinking about her and stuff, and for some reason she was upset at me. I'm guessing maybe she was expecting me to call sooner, I don't know. I said that I thought she sounded upset, and her response was "good. it's nice that you noticed" and then she asked me if I actually cared about how she was doing. I feel like I'm in high school all over again. I think a part of me forgot how she can be, but awhile ago I read through my old entries from high school, and I can vividly recall how I try to do things to her expectations, but I still want to have a life, still want to be me, and I can't give all of myself to her. But I remember her and I don't want her to be disappointed in me, so I try to make it so that I semi-meet her expectations. However, instead of her being grateful for this, or even noticing this, she gets upset or she used to yell (I guess she still does maybe...) or say something to tell me that no I actually fucked up, whatever bit I sacrificed was for absolutely nothing. She never thought I even did sacrifice, or if she did, she never let on. And she treated me as badly as if I'd never given her any consideration at all, and I'd gone full out and done what I was originally going to do, and it made me so upset inside because I was trying, and I was trying to meet her halfway, but she never saw any of that and treated me as I'd never tried at all. It's like, why would I bother to try then if I'll be punished the same amount as if I'd try and I didn't? So when I called her yesterday, out of the goodness of my heart to see how she was doing, because I had been thinking about her, instead of her being grateful, she sounded like she was looking to start a fight with me. Well no wonder I don't want to call you, geez. If I'm going to be treated like this for my efforts, why should I even bother? Nothing I do is good enough.
In any case, I think I realized for the first time that I am relatively pissed off at my dad for putting my parent's marriage into this position. Sure my mom can be a pain, but he must've had some notion of this when dating. Does marriage mean nothing to anyone anymore? I do hate my dad for putting me into this sort of position. That *I* have to be the one to be there for my mom. It puts me in an awful spot. I am entirely pissed at how selfish my dad is. I suppose that the reason why I don't want them to divorce is selfish too though. It's just so hard to do anything with my mom. I think that I sometimes can't stand her (as a person). I don't know what to do.
On another note, we went out for food yesterday with a bunch of people, and I saw Ris for the first time in awhile, and apparently he got this awful, AWFUL haircut. Well, he had gotten a haircut about 6 months ago or so too and at that time I had picked on him about his awful hair cut. Well, when I saw him yesterday I was doing the same (this haircut was even worse than the last btw), and he basically said that he tolerated it last time, but he didn't like it and wanted me to stop. I mean, I don't make fun of everyone and I don't poke fun at everyone. I like being honest, to almost a fault, and I guess I tend to forget that people don't usually like this, in particular these scenarios. I mean, WK got a haircut too (actually at the same time as Ris on both counts), but though I semi made one or two comments about WK's haircut, I didn't say much after that because I know he's not really the type of person to care or appreciate my comments at all. So I guess I judged Ris wrong... On that note, I think that it's made me very aware of how awful I must be as a person, but I think I've almost become diseased to a point that I can't quite understand what's wrong with what I'm doing... Or maybe I don't know how to act any other way. But it's made me realized that I'm totally socially inept. Before, I was socially bad because I didn't know how to strike a conversation, maybe with someone new that I was meeting, or maybe I was socially inept because I didn't know any good topics or things of interest to talk about while having a conversation which would lead to an awkward silence or a horribly boring topic, now I realize I'm also socially inept because I don't have social graces and can't read social ques. I've turned into someone crass and rude, and the person that no one wants there because they just make everyone feel bad. On some level I am bothered by it, but on the other, I'm still thinking like why can't they just accept me as I am? What's wrong with being so honest? I mean, I won't make fun of Ris's hair anymore, but I feel like everything I say comes out rude and everyone hates me for it. I bet people can maybe read this and feel some sympathy for me (maybe) but I can't help but wonder if they actually knew me, or met me or hung out with me, they would actually hate me.
I feel like even my conversations at work are awkward and strained... forced or weird. I never really realized this but the more I have been cut off by people, the more I seem to have a hard time being normal in a social setting. And because I rarely put myself in that kind of setting, it's always awkward for me now when I do. Maybe other people don't feel it, but I do. Every action and word seems to be hanging on by a thread. I keep thinking that maybe I should just shut up and observe a bit. I just don't know how to act... but I know I don't want to act like all the women I see. I've always hated everything about that. I'd rather be hated for being rude or crass than act like that. It's funny because in books, those characters are usually labeled as "misunderstood" and "in need of saving" and people sympathize with them because they had some sort of lonely upbringing and don't know how to behave so they lash out in such a manner. When people behave like that in real life, they can't wait to get away from them, or ignore them, or just generally bitch about them behind their backs.