taking it easy
@ 4:59 p.m.
i'm back from my vacation. i came back on monday actually. kinda weird it's already wednesday. but maybe not.. i dunno.
i had a good time overall in vegas, but i lost about $300, which was within my budget (I planned for $400), but i was still bummed nonetheless that I lost so much money. I just kept thinking that I could totally win back my money, and it was kind of hard to control myself. it's $300 that I can let go of pretty easily more or less, it's the fact that I lost that much money that bothers me. that's a new computer monitor that i could've had.
I also spent a lot of money on shows. the 3 big ones that i saw were blue man group, penn and teller, and david copperfield. I was really happy with david copperfield. Unfortunately, I fell asleep through some of penn and teller because it was a later show and i guess i was tired. i thought blue man group was a bit overrated, but I'm happy that I can at least say that I've seen one of their shows now.
as far as vacations goes, I felt like it could've been more, how so? I'm not sure, but I kinda wanted more I guess. I also felt like c didn't have that great of a time, but i'm sure if i asked him, he'd say he had a great time, and i think he did, but i don't know. i've been thinking a lot about our trip to nyc, and i can't help but compare it. I think we just had a better time there overall. maybe part of the problem was that originally, it was supposed to be a group of us going, and c was looking forward to more of being able to hang out with his friends and doing things together in vegas.
I can't help it but I've been super bummed about how much time c seems to be spending with his friends. I know that sounds so contradictory considering we've just been on vacation together only the two of us, but even on vacation, he was on skype looking to see who was online, and he was chatting with them sometimes I think. Sometimes I'm also bummed about the fact that c stays up all night and his sleep scheduled is so different than mine. I also hate the fact that I pass out so early though. Last night, I wanted to stay up to read, but I must've gone through 4 or so pages before i fell asleep. It was fretful sleep too. I hate how easily I fall asleep sometimes... I guess it's still better than insomnia. but anyway, c is always up playing LOL with his friends now... well, I feel like that's what's happening all the time. I sometimes feel so ignored when he's doing that. I should take that opportunity to do things or catch up on things I want to do, but I just notice what he's doing and feel shitty inside. Sometimes I feel like a mom checking up on a child. I realize what I'm doing too, but I can't seem to control how I feel. Alas, it seem this problem isn't only applicable to love when not wanting to love. For me, it seems to happen everywhere. I guess lately I just don't feel like I have all of c's attention. I'm not sure there's anything to say to get some of it, or that I should be getting any of it anyway.
I'm just gonna try to take it easy and hopefully things sort itself out, or my feelings does anyway.
Work has been crazy. I have been getting these awful headaches, and it was going on for about 1 or 2 months, and then while on vacation, I noticed it stopped. I'm guessing it's work related. Well, now I'm back at work, and so far no headahces, and I plan to keep it that way. I don't really try to have resolutions, but here's the closest one I guess, and it's just that I'm going to take it easy at work. I've been way too stressed over things at work and it really needed to stop. I'm glad my headaches are gone, and I have to realize everything tends to work itself out anyway, so there's no point in me fretting, or staying 3 hrs overtime to finish something desperately. I hold myself to such a high standard, but what's the point? I guess these people here don't deserve it, I don't think they care THAT much. My work isn't life-threatening. Besides, I'm sure they'll still think I'm doing a great job, as well as I've been now. so I'm trying hard to take my breaks when I'm supposed to... but that's not working out so well, so that's why I'm writing in this entry right now at work, to add in my break time that I was supposed to do earlier on in the day.
I never did talk about christmas and all that, but to be honest, nothing really happened. it was the most boring christmas ever this year. i didn't even talk about or bring up gifts with c, and I didn't buy him anything-- I didn't buy anyone anything. it really didn't feel like much of a christmas, but I definitely enjoyed my days off. especially since I was so fucking busy at work.
I think I fell asleep before it even struck 12 on new years. or maybe I was kinda dozing. I'm not sure. Overall, it was plain and boring.
I think I'm really waiting for things to get back to normal. I just feel ... not like myself. not very descriptive, but it's the only way to say it.
I took C to the airport last night because he has his interview with NVIDIA in san jose today. i was kinda bummed because he would be having an adventure without me... but now that the day is almost over, I've hardly noticed that he's been gone. it's crazy to think that there are companies doing that well, being that rich, that they can pay for airplane, hotel and car rental for c, just for this interview. Well, I guess the interview is a 4 or 5 hour long process, but it's still pretty crazy. I hope he did well, because I think he needs the confidence, but I really don't want to move to san jose. I really like my job here actually, even though I probably do deserve more, but I'm easy to please, and having this small space of mine where I can do whatever I want is more than most people can ask for, especially since I get paid a pretty decent amount.
Ugh, I really want things to go back to normal... whatever normal is. I've just been feeling like I've been PMSing all over my life. I feel fucking moody and don't really know what I want. and I feel restless too. Sometimes, I want to do more, but when I have time I don't know what I feel like doing... I was thinking the other day that it's another year and I really haven't worked on my story at all. That makes me so absolutely bummed. It seems everything is making me bummed.
When I think about it, I really don't know what's making me busy (well, I guess maybe work), but when I get home, I feel like I want to do so many things, but where's all the time to do it? I don't want to stay up til 12 to find the time to do things. I feel like lately that even signing slams has become sort of a chore, and I'm super behind on my letters to my pen pal, it's ridiculous. But I guess I've been thinking about it more... and I will find my break time in the day somewhere. If I can't seem to take it during the day, I'll accumulate it for the end of the day. As long as I take it... and I'll reserve that end of the day break for writing my letters. (or diaryland ha) I've gotta get these letters going, and I need to take my breaks.
anyway... the new motto is taking it easy. else I might turn insane, or maybe taking it easy will turn me insane :X (hope not)