455 - a big fight
@ 3:08 p.m.
I could've sworn I wrote last week, but I guess not. It's now been about 5 or 6 weeks since I wrote that happiness entry, and more or less things are about the same.
However, I did have an awful fight with c sunday night/monday morning. sometimes when i think about how he does things it really pisses me off. like the fact that he still hasn't transferred all of his crap from his old car to his new car (and he bought that car at the end of may or maybe beginning of june), and therefore he hasn't been able to get his car donated for money, so it's just been sitting there in our parking space (our only parking space btw). this is how c always takes care of his shit, that eventually he'll get around to it, and they just "sort of work themselves out." i'm not saying that's not true, because sure, everything works out eventually, but he could give it a push, put some work into it, and finish it all a long time ago. what spurred this on was that he had a credit card bill that he paid late one day (on that note, i seriously don't understand why he would leave everything last minute like that, it's bound to get you in trouble, in which case it did this time), so he got a late fee of $35. i told him to call and fight it, and he said he would. well a month goes by, and i ask him if he hadn't done it yet, and he says that he's been too busy. his too busy answer annoyed me. he's not too fucking busy. he just doesn't understand how to make time to do things, and when he does have time, he doesn't want to do any work, and spends a majority of his time playing lol or some other game. that's not "too busy", that's called being lazy, or forgetting or plain out not doing it. His excuse of "too busy" just pissed me off so much sunday. then sunday night, he stayed up all night, til about 5 am playing lol. and then i woke up around then and couldn't get back to sleep. i was just so angry at him. i could not go back to sleep because i was so angry. even now when i think about it, it pisses me off. i hate how he's such a spoiled baby. god, why can't you just learn to take care of your shit?
we had a big fight about it, that i don't really want to get into. but it was a pretty bad fight. i know i overreacted but sometimes i just don't understand it and my feelings drive me insane. and i hate the way he deals with our arguments. i feel like when i'm upset, it's not really about trying to fix the issue together or him trying to figure out how to make me feel better, it's always about how he can defend himself in the argument. he only looks out for himself. it leaves me feeling so uncared for. he explained it's because whenever we argue, i'm always blaming him for something.
i guess in a way, i feel like things are back. i'm beginning to feel this resentment whenever he's on his computer, either talking with his friends or playing something with them. i feel so ignored. part of the problem is that i don't want to play lol anymore, and he's still playing a whole bunch, so long as his friends are playing. for awhile, i was OK on my own. i had certain things to keep me busy, but now i feel so much boredom and it's that much more evident when he's on his computer ignoring me, and i'm sitting on my computer, doing literally nothing... literally trying to think of a webpage to go to. everyone wastes their time on facebook and youtube, and i don't do any of that, so it leaves me with nothing.
i feel like the past couple days (ever since that fight), we've been sorta walking on a tightrope. it's nice cause he's paying more attention to me, but then when we're lying in bed together, i can't seem to enjoy it because i'm anticipating when he's gonna leave to go on his computer. it kinda reminds me of when we went to nyc, and i had a hard time enjoying it cause i knew we'd be back to our normal every day lives in a matter of days. i need to find something to keep myself distracted... but lately i feel so languorous, i don't want to do anything. i just want to lie in bed... and try my best to ignore being ignored.
sometimes i feel so insane, and i have no doubt that it's because i have no one to talk to. i keep wondering if i'm being stupid, and am i being too harsh? and maybe if i had a friend to bitch and complain about c to, then i wouldn't end up in a big outburst to c about a fairly small problem.. that at least could be discussed calmly and rationally. instead i just see red and shout... and expect comfort. yea. insanity..
on another note, i haven't been playing ro, pretty much since i made that last entry, but god i want to do anything to maybe make some new friends online or SOMETHING... JUST SOMETHING TO DO... some evenings, i think about work, and think that I'd prefer to be there.