chris
@ 3:59 p.m.
Well, I thought i'd do a quick entry. i guess i hadn't said but i will now since there's actually something to say about it. I contacted Chris a few months ago on facebook. Something I really like about chris: he doesn't spend all his fucking time on facebook, and that's painfully obvious because there are no constant wall posts and picture updates, or wahtever else on facebook since i don't actually known since i'm rarely on it. if that wasn't enough proof, i actually contacted him either in july or early august, and we finally now talk. i guess i did it in one of my lonliness phase, i can't imagine any other reason i'd contact him. in a way i feel threatened contacting him, and in another way, i totally don't. but all that's okay because he's in arizona. although he said he's coming back to ca soon. i guess i feel comfortable talking to him because he's always been more real to me than anyone has. i guess i say that because he's always been honest, yet always thinks about things in a differnet light. the only problem was that he's so immature. or at least he definitely was. at 25, i don't think he has a choice but to be more or less grown up now (and he is luckily). i guess the thing is, he makes me feel very comfortable and talking with him is comfortable, and i guess i don't think i can tell him everything, but some things that i wouldn't be comfortable telling a closer friend, i would be comfortable telling him, because (back to the reasoning of) he's "real." on the other hand, there's the fact that he's my ex, he's attractive as fuck (always has been probably always will be), he's also a bad boy, and i do mean one of those "bad boys" that all the girls fall for, and someone i was infatuated with for practically 3-4 years during high school, and probably the only reason i started to forget about him was cause of eric (although even then not at first!), and then because we all graduated and i went off to college where i wouldn't see him every day. in fact, i'd say that one of the very good reasons i got oever him was because i stopped having contact with him, and every time he tried to contact me, i more or less ignored him because i didn't want any of shit. funny how things changed and that i decided to contact him. but i know he's always been honest with me at least. in high school, him dating alyssa didn't change the fact that he would kiss me. cheating didn't mean anything to him. in fact, he didn't consider waht we did cheating, and we did more than kiss. i get worried that he's still like that, that even though i'm with c, it wouldn't change him from wanting to hit on me. but i can only cross my fingers and hope that he has changed... but he's in AZ, that's what i told myself. he can't do anything from so far away. now i wonder when he'll come back to los angeles, and when he does, i know that meeting up won't be far behind. and that makes me fucking nervous as hell. for some reason when i think of chris, it's like reality is gone. i keep wondering what would happend if we did end up kissing. and it's leaving me with a weird feeling, and i don't think it's guilt. it's more of a wonderment about how things wuold be like, or how things would change... which makes me crazy that i can't feel more guilt, because i realize when i think about this scenerio, i would only be fucking him, and i wouldn't be expecting it to turn into a relationship. i guess this is that "what if" part of me wondering what sex with other people would be like. besides c, i've only been with one other guy once, and well, that's not even worth talking about or mentioning. i guess i hate on other people who have casual sex, but can't help wonder what it's like. in high school, casual sexual encounters didn't feel awkward, but then sex is something else i suppose. i guess i just wonder. maybe that's why i'm not feeling guilty. but still, i worry about my self control, and that's definitely not good.
on the other hand, when i did talk to chris yesterday, he was pretty normal. he didn't really hit on me. it wasn't like before, where one time he had actually asked me "when are we going to have sex", but maybe that's cause he's afraid of scaring me off. hah, but then again chris would have no care for such a thing like that. i can only cross my fingers and hope that he's reformed, because where he's concerned, i've always wanted to be wild. isn't it weird how people can be so different, and their effect can make you feel so different? i'm actually kind of impressed by him. he's gotten to be smarter than me. but i guess i'll udpate more on this another time because it's time to leave work.