One of those weeks...
@ 9:08 a.m.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I sometimes think I'm insane. Maybe specifically it's that I can't seem to control my feelings at all. This may or may not be a problem for some people, but specifically it's a problem for me cause I feel like my emotions are irrational.
I hate to say it, but my happiness that I felt last week is gone. I keep thinking about it, like what changed, but I can't come up with anything substantial. I started my period on Monday, which was why I felt so shitty on Monday. I had terrible cramps all day, and when I got home, all I did was sleep. I woke up later for a couple hours, and then I slept the rest of the night. My cramps went away yesterday but I just felt so bleh. I just couldn't figure out what had changed... As suddenly as my attitude or feeling or emotion or whatever it was brought me happiness, it's quickly reverted back to its old self and I feel like my usual bleh self. I've been back to thinking things like "what's there to do anyway?" and "God I'm so bored" and I don't know why. I don't get the sudden change. I want to say maybe it's my period and it must be PMS... but I've never really had PMS before. If anything, what happened last week was a fluke and now I'm back to my normal self. Why is happiness so elusive??
C stayed up late on Monday night... he was up until 7am. I felt so bleh Tuesday morning about that. I was annoyed but I didn't want to say anything. School starts for him soon, so I can't imagine that he could keep doing it. I brought it up to him last night that I don't like it when he sleeps that late, and he countered with that he doesn't like it when I sleep so early (cause of Monday). I couldn't help but think, "what happened to you saying you would do it for me cause it'd make me happy?" but I didn't want to get into that argument with him, and I didn't want to be that person that brings up a comment like that. It's so selfish of me to say something like that, but I guess it doesn't change the fact (to me) that he said that and didn't really live up to it. I guess I could live with him going to sleep at 5am, especially if he wasn't waking me up.. but Monday night he did wake me up and he was still awake when I was up.. so yeah that did bother me. I wonder if maybe nothing has changed. Well, I know that summer is coming to an end (thank god) so things will have to change...
Ugh, I just don't understand myself. I felt perfectly fine about all of this last week and now this week I feel like I'm a complete mess. I'm trying hard to not act like a bitch, but I guess I'm just feeling so bitchy. Maybe if I had someone to talk to it would make easier on me, but I don't feel like I do. And that's frustrating too.
On a totally different topic.. I guess I should mention this... so my mom forced my dad to move out this past weekend. My dad is staying with a co-worker for the time being. I guess my mom was having a tough time on Sunday so she told me to call her for support or whatever. I've been calling her everyday since Saturday (when she kicked him out) btw. So yesterday when I talk to her again, she mentioned something about us, and also our family not being very close. And it's true we're not. But somehow she managed to bring up and tie this in with the fact that I didn't call her that day in Vegas. I was so angry and I wanted to say something to her. I'm so sick of her bringing up the same old shit and I wanted to tell her she was being rude by bringing this up again... and she stated again about how I didn't have any manners to not know to call her, but she said a couple other phrases really quickly and then went back to her original topic that we weren't very close (and then thanked me for calling her) so I didn't quite catch if she was saying she blamed me for not calling her still, or if she was saying she understands why I didn't call her cause I didn't know any better. Because I couldn't distinguish if she was insulting me or if she was excusing me, and because she had glazed over the topic so quickly, I didn't want to get into an argument over it. But I decided that if she brings that up again and makes a big deal out of it, I'm going to get upset about it. I tried to talk to C about this, but talking to C about anything related to my mother just gets me more pissed off. I don't know why I don't learn. I guess I want to talk about it because I want to blow off some steam. I just need someone to listen to me and show me some sympathy, but what C does is instead give me some useless advice that I can't use and it gets me pissed off. It pisses me off because I can't use his advise first of all, and I would think that we've had enough discussions for him to realize that I can't use it. and it also pisses me off because he makes it seem like my problems are so easy to fix (if I just follow his fuck mom method). another reason I get pissed off is cause he doesn't understand at all and furthers pisses me off that he doesn't try to understand. He knows I'm fucking Asian and we do things differently, but he just comes in with this Western views and expects that to be the only answer and that since this Western answer would solve the problem, the Asian's way of doing things is wrong. I just wish he would try to understand or be a little more sympathetic to my situation.
Which brings me to the conversation we had yesterday when I brought this up. C thinks that my mom is manipulating me and/or guilt tripping me which is why she keeps bringing up the calling thing in Vegas. I think he wrongly got the impression that this is her hook to get me to call her every day. I'm not sure if I cleared that up properly, but anyways, he thinks that my mom is being manipulative, and his idea has been like a poison in my brain. I keep thinking now that she's been treating me terribly and that maybe I don't need to do all this for her and that maybe I'm being a pushover and just letting her take advantage of me. It's making me question what I want.
I guess when I think about it. I don't want to be close to my mom. I don't want to talk to her every day. It does seem and sound like a chore. I guess it's not really asking me a lot to talk to her every day. I mean, it's not really like she's asked me or even forced me to share my life or anything like that. And I think that's the problem is that I don't think I could. She's too judgmental. In her eyes, I am forgiving too much of what c does. I can't imagine what my mom would say over the fact that c's done nothing all summer and stayed up night nearly every night and kept me up for a chunk of it. But I don't really mind her telling me stuff that's been going on with her I guess. God, I guess I'm just so bothered by what c said, as if she's taking advantage of me. That thought just gets me so angry. I don't know why he had to suggest such a thing. It's getting me really angry to think about it.
You know... I don't really understand what's happening to me as I get older. I used to think I had myself all figured out, especially when I was younger. Now, I find myself more and more lost. I can't seem to make decisions and can't seem to find the right and wrong of things. Everything seems grayer than ever. I can't help but think that maybe C has a huge influence over that... Maybe I'm confused because I feel as if C's opinion should count for half of how I act... since he's so different than me, it's making it confusing for me. That's the only explanation I can think of. I'd really like it right now if I could just clear my head of all of these muddied thoughts and could see some clear conclusion. But I have no idea how to achieve that...
Sigh.. it's not been a good week for me. I can't tell if I should try to enjoy work, or instead look forward to when I get off work so I'll be doing something at home. Maybe I'll do some crafts stuff when I get home or read... I keep thinking about lol too. I'm torn between wanting to play a couple ranked games to raise my ELO, but I'm worried if I lose then my ELO will be even worse... and then I wonder how I'd feel about it? I guess I'm just so upset that I made a decision to play with ris and instead he does terribly and we end up losing 3 games. and then apparently he won 3 games with c on Monday night. God... I wish I could stop thinking. I feel like everything is bothering me... at least everything I think about is bothering me. If maybe I had something to look forward to... then it wouldn't feel like this. I just feel so irritated... and there seems to be no remedy.