lol is so irritating
@ 3:36 p.m.
Ugh. You know how some people see that green eyed monster of jealousy and they have no control over themselves and act either insane or some other type of awful? Well, I have that, except not with jealousy.
We watched some 30 Rock yesterday, and then afterwards he said (I don't remember his exact words anymore) basically that he was gonna play lol and more or less asked if I wanted to join him. I didn't really reply. Really? LOL? Ehhhh... I haven't played in a few weeks, definitely haven't even been on that game in over a week. LOL brings out the worst in c (when he loses) and I personally hate playing it just because I'm not very good. I guess I'm OK-mediocre. I make dumb mistakes, and I don't know many of the champions. The main reason for that is I'm slow to pick up on new champions, and I hate feeding (kills), which I end up doing when I'm playing a new champion, so it leads me to play the same ones over and over again. And if I don't feed, I'm usually not playing very well at all. I end up more of a passer by rather than someone actually playing the game. My terrible ability to pick up on new champions has really gotten me depressed. I'm not sure how to fix this problem. But in any case, because of it I've started to hate LOL. I see everyone being so much better than me, and it irritates me. So when I see c playing it, it irritates me as well. It angers me, I don't want him to play it. But I don't want to control him like that. I don't think he would appreciate it anyway. He wouldn't really understand my problem or know how to fix it.
So anyway, I fell asleep for a bit, when I woke up he was just starting a game. Another thing is, he's just been playing ranked. And this is also upsetting to me because I feel like he's going to get a higher ELO (rating) than me. At certain things like this, Yes I'm that competitive. It bothers me that he could be better than me. I really should just let them have the prize here, but I'm so goddamn stubborn. Besides, I know I'm definitely NOT better than him. We're about the same really, but having a score written out like that makes it so clear, instead of "it's approx. the same"
I told myself, just shut up about it, don't say anything. you're irritated, but you don't want to start shit here. things are going great, and you don't want to have a fight. despite thinking all this, i say out loud "oh you're playing with ____" (I don't like this guy too much). it was definitely said negatively. even I don't know if I was talking about c playing with HIM, or if it was just that he was playing or playing without me. maybe all of the above. I was just irritated and I couldn't control my feelings and I just had to give him attitude even though he technically did nothing wrong.
He ignores the comment. Or he doesn't respond anyway. He finishes the game. Then I see him inviting him again. Oh god, my mouth wants to open and create a big ugly mess again. DON'T DO IT GODDAMNIT... But nope of course I do it again. Can't control my feelings. Can't control my mouth. Just so fucking irritated and I just want him to stop playing that stupid game.
You're gonna play with him again?
UGGGHH.. WHY?! Goddamn stupid mouth. It's like one of those scenes that you know what's going to happen and you just don't want to watch. You just know it's going to happen, and you want to yell at that person to stop.
He gets all upset at me, asking what's my problem? He asked me to play, but then I go off and fall asleep.
I have nothing to say to appease the situation. I just stay quiet and then he stops his small rant. It's not his fault, I know it's mine.
I don't know why LOL has to get me this way. But it's become synonymous with what makes me act absolutely crazy. UGGHH...
in any case, c got over it after about 20 minutes. they didn't end up playing that second game after all. i told him i was sorry. i knew i was in the wrong. but in my mind, it doesn't change that i'm so insane about this. i guess it's a good thing that he forgives so easily in this case.
(btw, I know I said I would write on my own terms as I felt comfortable. as it turns out now that I've thought all this mess out, it turns out I'm comfortable writing about a lot of this dumb shit. ha)