just letting it be
@ 3:38 p.m.
hmm. I meant to update this weekend I guess, but it didn't end up happening. But here's something that I've realized, and it really should've been so obvious, yet I didn't manage to see it until now. How oblivious of me.. Or maybe I did see it, but didn't know how to deal with it.
The sad truth is that I've changed since high school. That seems like such an obvious statement, but it hasn't been for me. I feel like since high school ended, I've just kinda been floating, and I'm waiting around for things to take shape and define themselves, so I could categorize this next part of my life. The problem is that I never really thought that this phase has changed. There's only life before high school and life after high school. And I've been waiting for awhile now to try to categorize the change, but it hasn't happened. I guess these last few years feel like such a blur in a way.
But anyway, I bring about this topic about changing because I guess I realize now that this is why I don't want to write in diaryland anymore. Well, it's not so much an active, thinking about it and refusing to write it, but more of a lack of interest. Maybe there's a reason that teenagers are known for keeping diaries. Maybe as an adult, we naturally lose the interest to feel the need to write it all out. I was just thinking about the fact that I was feeling miserable Saturday night and Sunday morning, and I didn't want to write any of it all. Maybe part of it is because I realize my problems were trivial in the sense that I knew it would eventually be fixed, or maybe it's because my problems have now become too complex to take 2 paragraphs to explain, or maybe it's because I'm just no longer comfortable pouring out all my problems, but whatever it is, I just don't feel like trying to write in here anymore. I feel like I'm forcing myself to do something I don't want to do, and I realized that, that's OK. I don't have to want to write. and this isn't the only way I've changed since high school either.
I used to be a lot more easy going, and I don't think I was so depressed. Maybe part of the problem was that I had friends.. people to distract me. I don't really like what I've become so I'm thinking maybe I should changed that. But changing is so hard, especially when it's a conscience decision. But I fear that if I don't change, I may never be happy.
I'm not saying I won't write in here anymore. I'm just saying I shouldn't feel forced to write in here. So maybe I'll go back to writing once a month, or write when I'm bored at work. Yeah it sucks, but just looking at this diary, I can see how un-maintained I've let it get. And I can't pretend that it's anything but that, but that's ok. i guess it's kind of who I am now. I don't even expect myself to read these old entries. I used to use my diary for reference, but I don't feel like that's necessary anymore.
As to an actual entry for today...
Well, I had a great Sunday night! After much reflection about myself, about c, I decided that I want to be happy, and I'm the only one in the way of that. I need to stop this restlessness and do something worthy. or at least something to keep me busy that isn't playing games. Maybe I came down this slippery slope from games. (and now I feel as though when I'm not playing games there's nothing to do.. even worse no TV to watch cause it's summer)
We also had great sex last night which I was so happy about. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so happy. He fell asleep with me last night and I managed to get the first good night's sleep on a Sunday in absolutely months. I still woke up... but I think it's because at this point I'm so prone to waking up because of c keeping me up all this time. I thought c might only nap with me, so I was even planning to get up with him later on in the night, but he didn't. So I was pleasantly surprised. I was thinking that I might start taking naps so that I might just wake up earlier in the night. The sleep problem is not really getting fixed, so that needs to be changed.
I want to continue to be happy.
Oh yea, we went up to Palmdale on Saturday (what a really horrible place) to look at two cars. We ended up buying one of the cars. it was a really good deal. it was 3200 for a 2001 nissan altima at 138k miles. It needs some slight fixing, about $500, but that's regular maintenance stuff. the car is in really great condition, the mechanic told us so. so I'm very excited that c has a driveable car, A RELIABLE CAR! he just has to go to the dmv and get that updated, as well as pay for registration. well, he needs to get the car fixed too... he also has to tow his old car somewhere else, so he could get money for that car, but first we have to sign up for AAA.... which I plan to do today as soon as I get home.
on a totally different note, I went on facebook again the other day (not cause I wanted to but I had to contact someone) and no message or anything from jeff. I can honestly say, wow I'm so glad that whole thing is so definitely over and done with. I guess the fact that he didn't reply to my message only leads me to believe that he's putting his foot down and doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't really care about it, but it just reminds me of how I used to think. I wanted to write that book so I could secretly... somehow discreet dedicate the book to him. it's because i felt like the characters in the book reflected how i viewed him. now i have no desire whatsoever. it makes me relieved that i'm so over him in this way. i hope this is what growing up is actually about. that you can finally FINALLY let go, and i realize that's something that not all adults can do. if i can't feel accomplished about much in my life, i can feel accomplished that i've at least grown, and realized my stupidities or mistakes, and that even my foolish heart and my stupid feelings that are stubborn as fuck have a chance. (possibly at happiness?) i hope so.