when it's not even disappointment anymore
@ 3:38 p.m.
I kinda hate writing in here, cause I feel like what I write about is embarrassing. It almost makes me want to lock my diary. Sometimes I wonder what happened to me since I was never like this.
Last night c invited me to play lol with a bunch of his friends, basically the people that he plays lol with. I did so shitty that it made me wonder why I play it. I still feel kinda depressed about it when I think about it. Best not to think about it.
Actually last night was almost near perfect. I went to bed around 1:30 or so, which is later than usual I guess, but I didn't mind. C came to bed, and we lied together, watching X files. Although, I fell asleep right away so I have no idea what happened on the show. He said he may sleep with me, or maybe a nap. I don't know if that ended up happening, because in the end, when I woke up some hours later, he was already up and on the computer. I'm pretty sure I woke up twice, but I really can't be sure these days, sometimes waking up and going back to sleep seems like such a blur. Anyway, when I woke up at 6:15, I couldn't seem to fall back asleep, and it really upset me. I got less than 5 hours of sleep last night, probably closer to 4 hours really. (I really prefer an average of 7-8 hours, maybe 6 at the least) It just got me so upset. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in like a week (not counting Saturday, when I slept 12 hours mainly cause I didn't have to worry about getting up at a certain hour).
I felt like it was getting ridiculous. Am I going to have to go through 2 more months of this? And even when school starts for him, what then? He had managed to sleep around 5 all of spring semester with no problem... cause he'd miss his classes (and he still managed to get mostly A's in his classes-ridiculous). The whole thing makes me weary. Even after next year, when he graduates and get a full time job, I bet he'll find one that starts work at 9 or so, so he'll still be up late. He's not doing anything all summer. He doesn't do anything important. He just plays all day... and the problem is that he's too depressed to do anything important. He doesn't have a car to do certain other things. (Kind of a catch-22 here) And he hates sleeping, and can't seem to go to sleep until much later, until he feels like he has no choice but to go to bed because he feels like shit (and yet I can only assume that when he does go to bed, he doesn't end up taking 2 hours to go to bed like he says he does when he tries to go to sleep at 2am). Then there's also the fact that he has no one to play with if he went to bed early and woke up at 10am because his 2 friends that he's been spending most of his time with is on at those weird hours. And he can't just wake up at 10am and do nothing by himself, and no, being bored doing nothing will not encourage him to maybe work towards some more important goal. God, when I write it all out, it sounds absolutely ridiculous and it makes him sound so petty.
I probably do baby him a little bit, but he's been babied his entire life. It's really hard to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. If only his mom hadn't spoiled him so terrible. There's also the fact that his mom did a terrible job in teaching him how to wake up. I've never met anyone else that's had so much trouble waking up before. He wakes up for like a minute, and then goes back to sleep. Or sometimes, he just plain out grumbles and gets exasperated at me for trying to wake him. AND HE CLAIMS TO HATE SLEEPING...
Sigh. Thinking about it really gets me mad. That's been happening a lot lately. I wonder if maybe part of the reason I'm so apathetic is because I've come into this settle for things type of attitude. That, only when I really think about this kinda stuff do I get myself worked up enough to say, "This is just wrong!"
He said he would try to take a nap this morning and that he would try to accomplish some more important things that he needed to do. He also said that he would try to sleep with me tonight (since the nap will make him tired), but I told him that he probably won't be able to nap. That he'll actually fall asleep and not be able to wake up, and manage not to accomplish anything. I told him he could text me -wink- today, but I haven't heard from him all day. I'm pretty sure he's still sleeping.
When I pointed this out to him, that he'd probably end up just sleeping the day, he said that it might be a possibility... You know it's a lost cause if he thinks he end up falling asleep too. Where's the determination? I don't know what's worse... him saying this and me, giving up and not really having much hope to begin with, or if he sounded convinced and told me that he could do it, and I believed him and I ended up disappointed.
There's a point where you don't even set yourself up for that disappointed because you start to know better. I'm scared that I'm headed in that direction. I would like to be pleasantly surprised, but I just don't really believe it.