not quite perfect... at all really
@ 3:22 p.m.
i got only a few minutes so i'll try to sum this up fast.
i got home, and we laid in bed for a little while, which led to sex, which was nice cause we haven't done it in awhile. i hate talking about that because it makes me feel like such a loser. i bet other people wouldn't believe how little we actually have sex. i think i realized part of it has to do with me not really enjoying it as much as i could because i can't seem to experience happiness properly. like my mind is too clouded. anyway, we decided that we should have sex more often. i said at least once a week. he said twice. but i'll be happy if we just make an effort. god, i feel like an old married couple. by that i mean, old as in someone in their 60s or 70s.
he said he would cook shortly, but i felt sleepy so i told him i might take a nap. i told him to wake me, when he was going to cook. i kinda knew this was a bad idea, cause i had saw that it was already about 7 or 8, and realistically, we should've already been cooking. but i decided that i was sleepy so i took a nap anyway. i wake up and it's 10:30 now. i mention this to c, and he realizes what time it is. again, he tells me that time seems to pass by so quickly when he's absorbed like that. he offers to cook then, but it's a little late and i don't know that i want to eat too much. we go down stairs and it's decided that he'd cook us some pasta. i'm glad for it because i ended up hungry.
but c got very upset because he messed up. he couldn't really talk to me, couldn't really apologize to me because i think he either realized how i would react, or felt so badly about how he messed up that he was just too angry to go down that path. instead of sucking up to me, he got upset with himself about how worthless he was (his words) and punched the wall a few times (his way of blowing off steam which i don't appreciate). this ended up getting me upset. instead of not sucking up to me, he just made me feel worse that he ended up being the victim. i don't say this, but i try to explain how his reaction isn't helpful. my explanation doesn't quite work, and i decide to drop it. i'm just glad that he cooked me some food and i was hungry for it.
in retrospect, i realize that maybe in a way he's right. i would've reacted badly no matter how he was sucking up. because i realize i'm a bit of a bitch and would've wanted to stay pouty so that he'd say some other stuff about making it up to me somehow. but i suppose that i wouldn't even been able to accept that cause i definitely would've been thinking in my head, it's going to happen again or he's always forgetting like this.
i'm trying to be more understanding. there's other reasons for him behaving this way, and though our relationship needs work, i realize that he needs work too, and if he could work on those parts, our relationship would get better too. on top of that, i could always be acting better. i realize now that i need to come to terms with a better way to react to his trying to apologize. i guess what makes it hard is that, i can't seem to understand or believe how he's sorry. it seems like such a dumbass excuse that he forgot. i guess cause i can't relate to it, i can't seem to accept it. instead i've had him play a role in which he's just an asshole that doesn't think about me. i know that's not the truth, but i can't help but think, well if he meant that, then why doesn't he act that? i wish i could be more swayed by logic than my feelings. fucking feelings.
we fell asleep together for a little bit after eating. he woke up a couple hrs later of course to go back on the computer, but i ended up asleep until 4:30. (no, i definitely haven't been sleeping well these days) he came back to bed and lied with me again for awhile and then he left the bed and i was falling asleep by then.
i woke up again at 6:15. this time he was playing lol again without me. he was playing with another friend. but i just don't understand why he has no trouble playing or doing anything on the computer with anyone else, but he never seems to want to do anything with me. and why is it so hard for me to ask to do anything with him. i pointed out that i was upset cause here he was playing with someone else and not me again. not to mention, it's been over 3 weeks i think and i still haven't played diablo again since i bought it. he said we'll play soon. he keeps saying that, but i have yet to see it happen. i can't seem to open my mouth to ask for anything. it just seems like it's wrong. i guess it's afraid he'll reject my offer. and it's not so much the reject i'm afraid of per say. as in, if he said "no maybe later" i wouldn't take that as a personal offense. i wouldn't take this to mean, "no i don't like you. i'd rather play with someone else." but rather, it would still take it as a general failure, that i tried, but it didn't end up happening. i guess i don't like the idea of putting myself out there and that it didn't work out. i can't really explain it other than that. i know it doesn't make much sense, it sounds like the same thing. i guess i just don't want to feel that disappointment.
let's see how today goes.