actual depression this time...
@ 2:35 p.m.
so i'm trying this write as much as possible, about things going on in my life thing... let's see how long it lasts.
(i really should re-read my entries and fix spelling, grammar, and other mistakes but i'm so lazy)
so after yesterday's entry, i decided to call c and tell him how i felt about the whole thing. i apologized that i acted like an ass when he was feeling down right before going to bed together last night. during this conversation, i was made to realize that i completely misunderstood what he was saying last night (cause i was half asleep duh), but he wasn't upset about it anyway. he realized that i was half asleep so it wasn't really my fault. i half expected him to say that he was sorry for waking me so many times, but he didn't. i'm not sure how much that bothered me. i confessed to him that i didn't want to actually play lol last night, but that i lied and said it was too late to be playing lol because i wanted to avoid him getting further upset because of his impatience problem. i mentioned all this and how i felt about it, and he was being really understanding, and he owned up to his fault and apologized. i was grateful. i was feeling really good. positive. maybe that things would be changing for the better. i told him that maybe i'd be okay with playing minecraft, and that maybe we could play some ranked lol games together.
well, i got home. i wanted to get some of my other work done, so i was caught up in my own stuff until about 7 or 8 pm. then i became bored. i didn't really want to play minecraft. i was bothered by the fact that i said i would play, yet i was so resistant to give it a try. i feel generally miserable because i kinda want to ask to do something with c, but i can't seem to find the courage to ask or say anything. i end up spending some time doing nothing... playing some typing game and some tetris. it's now 1:30 and i'm getting sleepy. (i can't believe i wasted so much time doing nothing) i put on SNL and lie in bed. i really want to ask him to join me in bed for awhile. i know he won't stay, and he doesn't have to sleep, but i wish he would join me for a little while. i fall asleep. i wake up at 6:15. c's still up playing minecraft. i try to go back to sleep, but it's not really working. he's not being that loud, but i can't seem to go back to sleep anyway. i decide to wake up, maybe i'll go to work early.
i'm about to leave now, and he gets up from his computer and asks that i not be mad at him. i'm not even mad though. i tell him i'm not mad. he says well don't be upset then. i tell him that i'm just feeling down. I'm feeling down cause we don't do anything together. i feel neglected. he offers to cook dinner tonight. i said that he doesn't actually want to. (a fight broke out over this and he hasn't cooked for me since) he says that he does, he's just been lazy. (i guess he has forgiven me about that fight) i guess that would make me feel better. but i wish that we'd spend time together. he asks me why i didn't play with him last night. i told him i was finishing up on some stuff that i had to do. but i told him that i was sad because i wanted to ask him to join me in bed, but i couldn't seem to do it. he asks why we don't end up doing the things we said, like how we were gonna watch men in black. i told him that he's blaming me for things that he's liable for too. why didn't he bring up watching men in black when we got back home? he got right back on the comptuer once we got home, so it's unfair that he's blaming me for things he doesn't do either. he says that he forgot.
he doesn't even apologize about waking me anymore. i think it's because it really doesn't mean anything at this point. i asked him how come he goes to bed in the morning, why not stay up all day too? he says that he starts to feel shitty, and then it makes him want to go to bed. how unfair that he can't feel like shit much earlier in the night. i know that if he were to get into bed earlier, he'd lie awake all night. this problem really upsets me when i think about it, but i don't know what i could possibly offer as a solution.
i told him that he should do something more meaningful since i know it's making him depressed. i wish we weren't a couple of depressed losers. i just feel so down lately, and i can't seem to get out of it. nothing seems to be making me happy. i feel like i'm at an geniune loss of actions to make this go away. maybe it's because i haven't experienced depression in awhlie. i know i'm usually sort of fairly content with how things are in life, and not necessarily happy, but it was a balance i was used to. now things are TOO depressing that i don't know how to deal with it. wow i miss that balance of nothingness i've been complaining about the past couple years. i have no idea how to fix this problem.