rude
@ 2:10 p.m.
I thought I kinda had this written out in my head, but now that I'm looking at this empty box (well partially filled now), it's kind of making it daunting and I don't really want to talk about what happened last night. It used to be easy to write it all out, what the fuck happened? And it's not even like I would need to write a super long entry with tons of background information, but I just don't find that the task is as enjoyable as I thought it would be. But I guess I'll suck it up and write it out anyway, but I just wish it wouldn't have to be "sucking it up" and just doing it.
lately i've been feeling depressed. (more than usual i guess). i just don't feel close to c, and i feel that it's because he's always on his own damn computer playing mine craft. well, yesterday at one point i brought this out to him. he said that he'll watch tv with me then. so he proceeds to watch 30 rock with me, while he's on the computer still. i point out that when i meant watch an episode i meant like together, on the bed or something. then he said that well, he had seen that episode before (i was catching up cause i missed that episode), so I said that I'll put on another episode, so he stayed with me in bed for that episode. then after that episode ended, i don't know. i guess i didn't feel content. and i didn't really feel like putting on the next episode either... and he didn't tell me to either. then i started playing with his back, and not 2 or 3 minutes later, he fell asleep. so i got up and took a shower, did a bit of my own stuff, and 2 hrs later, he woke up and mumbled in a joking-slash-complaining sorta way that i had left the bed. and i said to him something along the lines that, we'll he had fallen asleep and we weren't really doing anything together. then he brought up that if that was the case, he doesn't need to go to bed with me, because it's not doing anything together. (this has to do with the fact that he stays up until around 5 am every night and i complained to him that he never sleeps with me anymore). what he said pissed me off so much. i didn't realize it was so much for me to ask that he even slept with me for 2 hours a night? am i wrong to want to sleep with c? isn't that why we have our own place? we don't even spend any fucking time together while we're awake after all. he's on his computer all fucking day and he's not doing anything with me. anyway, i didn't want to get into an argument with me so i played nice and told him (without really answering his question i guess) that we only really sleep about 2 hours together, and i do enjoy whatever time he gives. he didn't really respond, but i guess he wasn't mad.
he goes back on his computer. i don't know what he was doing. i put on SNL. he kinda watches as he plays whatever he is playing on his computer with his friends. I eventually fall asleep. I wake up at around 1:30 or 2am, and he's playing LOL with marcos. He's being pretty loud, but I decided not to say anything. I'm a little annoyed inside that he's playing with marcos since he pissed me off last time... but whatever. c's being pretty loud, so I decided to put on more SNL in hopes that I'll eventually fall asleep. It works kinda, but I'm woken up again about an hour later. I told him this time that he's being kinda loud. he doesn't say anything. I ask him if he hears me, and he says yeah. Nothing else. He continues to be loud. I decide to go downstairs. Marcos was here last week, so c had set up a bed on the couch. it's still there, so I fall asleep on it. at 5:30 he wakes me up to ask if i'd like to sleep upstairs with him. I go up the stairs, we get in bed, he's kinda holding me.
then the conversation goes something like this, "i don't like going to bed because i feel like i haven't accomplished anything" he says. "is there something you actually want to accomplish?" "no not really, but i just feel empty.. like i should do something meaningful" "well, if there's nothing in particular you need to accomplish, just think that you've already accomplished everything you need". (i think i said something along this) then he gets exasperated at me and turns away from me. i try to explain "well, i'm just saying that maybe you should lie to yourself so that you can feel better so you can get some sleep. and if you really do want to accomplish something maybe you should do it." i don't know if he said anything after that, and then i fell asleep.
i get that i wasn't being pleasant, but he was being so inconsiderate to me, and he wanted me to considerate to him. he only really said one thing that made me realize that he was frustrated last night. and it was right before he went back on his computer after his nap, he asked me if i wanted to play LOL. cause it's like the only thing we have in common i guess. but the problem was, i really didn't want to play lol. (I told him this- I said that it was getting late and that maybe I'd like to play with him tomorrow). he said it's only 11:30. i guess it's true, if i really wanted to, i could've played lol with him. the problem is I didn't want to play. But I knew if I said something like that, then he'd get all pissed at me saying, "well what do you want?" and "I can't make you happy" cause i want to do something with him, but there's nothing to do together. besides that, everything else he did was rude.
he didn't stay in bed with me to watch SNL, instead he went back to god know what game with some of his other friends. and then later on he woke me up, more than once, and after letting him know that he was waking me, he hardly acknowledged it, and then he didn't fucking apologize that I was forced to sleep downstairs when he asked me to go to bed together. and on top of that he brings up about how he's feeling and how he needs my attention to help him on his stupid problems, in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to sleep. What did he think was going to happen. We had a shitty night, and you haven't made it better, now you're the complete victim, and I have to give up the rest of my sleep to help you feel better? any other night when you haven't been acting like such an asshole, maybe I could've woken up to try to talk and make you feel better, but you've been an ass, and now it's still about how to make you feel better? God.. and besides he knows how I am when I haven't really woken up. I'M FUCKING HALF AWAKE. Was he really expecting me to be alert and to help him with his problem? I said whatever I could so that I could try to appease him so I could get some fucking sleep.
ugh. maybe that's why I don't like to write about these things. I am not nearly as angry as I was when I started writing this entry. I just want to let it go, like I'm sure I was an asshole too. And I know sometimes I'm hard to get along with.. but still. I feel like he can't solve my problem or what's making me upset, and he just gets upset at me when his first and second solution isn't the answer. then he gets all pissed at me... almost screaming at me like, well what do you want then? and he has no fucking patience and it pisses me off. yes, like I really appreciate you yelling at me, while I'm upset. his lack of patience pisses me off so much.