this must be a form of insanity
@ 11:35 a.m.
you know what's scary is when c might just realize how empty life actually is. it's one thing for me to realize it, because i feel that i've been on this path for a long time, and it's not anything i can't handle. but yesterday, i saw the first hint that he might actually believe that life is a bunch of nothing put together. that saddens me because he has dreams and aspirations. he's smart, dedicated, and he tries. god he tries. if there's any indication that i've not had human contact in what feels like decades, it would have to be friday night, when we went out to watch the avengers together with a bunch of his friends. he was naturally comfortable in his conversation with his friends. i couldn't for the life of me, contribute anything to the topic at hand, and i was trying hard to ignore it altogether. it's a definite fact now that i'm just not smart. i may be a college graduate, but i feel like i've got nothing to show for it. maybe i would wish that i had paid more attention in physics or some other science class, but i can't even bring myself to care. i have no desire to even want to be smart. i can't even describe this feeling.
sometimes i don't get what c sees in me. i used to believe that i was the better one, that provided for him, and that in terms of who deserved who more, that i was better than him. now i realize that he's too good for me. and i think as time passes, the gap is only going to get bigger. i don't know what he sees in me, since i don't think there's much to appreciate here. you know what's funny, 5 years ago or so, i would be writing this in hopes to gain some sympathy or pity, but now i realize i'm writing this cause it's just how i feel now and pity or not, i don't even care. i just wish i could feel an ounce of something. people say they feel pain, their soul being ripped out, or some other crazy simile about how much pain they're in, but me, i feel like it's a bunch of nonsense. i don't even care.
i guess i went a little off topic there, but the point is, i wonder if c will ever get like this. a part of me thinks that it's impossible, since nobody is like me, no one can be like this. usually people get depressed, not this nothingness. but i saw the first spark of it yesterday. i just hope it passes. i feel like there's still hope for him. i can't see that in me. i can't be motivated to feel any of that.
sometimes c asks me if i'm happy. i wish i could give him an honest answer. it's not that i even lie to him, it's just that i don't know. what is happiness anyway? i used to know, but i don't feel that i do anymore. there used to be things that made me happy, extreme bursts of joy... i'm sure of it, but now i can't recall any memories of that, and i can't recall how it feels to be happy. or maybe this contention that i feel is the extent of my happiness. i think he recognizes this in me, because he says to me sometimes that he wishes he could make me happy, and i wish that i could be happy too. i'm sure this started in college, and i've never been able to get out of this funk. a few years ago, i believed that if i went traveling, i could find some joy again, but it didn't work. all i could think about is how i would have to come back to work in __ weeks time. i had fun, but it was reserved. anyone else in my position would've been ecstatic. it's like my ability to feel has been numbed out. everything has been toned down. the volume dial just doesn't work anymore.
when i thought of my future, is this what i had imagined? i think sadly, yes a part of me did believe that i would end up this way... well, not quite like this, but i had always thought myself alone, and cold. busy, with no time to think about this kinda stuff. the difference is, i'm not busy and i have plenty of time to think about how alone and cold i am. the difference is that i have c, which is more than i had dreamed of. oh yea, the other difference: i'd have a much higher paying job, doing something equally cold, like forensics investigation. but how disgusting, i'm not cold enough for that or smart enough. things are just sort of in between. what must've happened was that i predicted there would be good things about me (like that i would be smart enough) but instead only the bad things happened, and the good things were bad things too. sometimes i think that i don't have it so bad, and the truth is, i don't. i guess that makes it so sad that i know i could be more than i am. by that, i mean a lot more, but i just don't care. i have ZERO motivation. i'm not sure that i will ever wake from this reverie. and i can't say that i care either way. i sorta do, but then i don't.