updates or whatever
@ 10:40 a.m.
I can't believe it's only been a month. It feels like longer than that. It's weird that I would be writing on a Saturday, but truth is that I've been trying to write for awhile. But now I feel as if that moment has passed.
What I wanted to write about earlier this month was that I tried shrooms for the first time with c and our roommate. It was a different type of experience. I wasn't sure what I was expecting though. I'm not sure if I liked it or not. Getting there, and coming back sober was really uncomfortable, especially coming back. I couldn't be comfortable at all. Everything felt like an irritation, but then it felt that way throughout a lot of the trip itself. Everything had to be specific, and if it wasn't, it would bother me so much. It would be so uncomfortable. Like, c preferred to talk a lot, and it irritated me so much. And there was music on in the background, and it was literally affecting my mood. When a good song was on, i felt relaxed and soothed. when something came on that really bothered me, it was like hearing nails scratching the chalk board. But it was also hard to get up. Like, I really didn't want to move at all. Getting up was difficult. I really just wanted to be comfortable, and everything had to be in a specific way for it to happen. I'm not sure if I would want to do it again. Maybe a few more times to confirm the feelings. There is only one thing I really enjoyed about the trip, my imagination was so vivid. I could think of or imagine anything I wanted in my mind, and it was almost as if I was watching it unfold on a TV screen, or for that matter, as if I was a ghost following the living me in adventures I'd imagine for me. The disappointing thing was that I had nothing particularly interesting to imagine. It's a lot of preparing you have to do for shrooms. Have to have the right music, have to have the right mood, have to know what kind of things you want to think about, have to find a comfortable spot. It's so easy to have a bad trip.
Speaking of drugs, I've gotten bored of pot. It's not what I remembered it to be. Maybe that's because when I first started doing it, it was always with a group of friends and there'd be conversations and things to laugh about. Since I've moved in, it's just been the roommate and me getting high, and sometimes we don't know what we even feel like doing after we get high. and not just that, but I feel like it takes effort to get high now, and it doesn't last that long. Is it just me or does it take more pot for me to get high? and c hasn't really been interested in getting high with us. he's either busy or... i don't know he doesn't seem interested in it anyway. maybe it's for the better. c tends to act... anything but as relaxed as he should be when he's high. i feel like he becomes a try-hard when he's high.
So I guess the last time I wrote I was talking about my visit to the doctor... was that only a month ago? god, that felt like months ago. basically she said that I'm normal and that I'm pretty stressed or my mind is on other things and that's why I can't concentrate enough to get into sex, and consequently have no sex drive. I don't know how I feel about that, if there's any truth in that. Maybe sometimes it's just c. and I guess if I have to be honest with myself, sex isn't quite what I had always imagined and I've been too much of a clam to open up and say what it is exactly I want. And instead of ever changing that, I've created a routine, and an acceptance and that's probably contributed to the sex drive problem. And it seems as if the time to bring it up has passed. and not just that but from the beginning there were aspects of sex I didn't enjoy because my body has been stubborn, but I have never forcibly told c about it. we kinda know it's there. we go around it, but we don't deal with the actual issue. there's also the fact that sex is not like porn. it's not like what you see in magazines, and it's not like what you read in books. what sounds good on paper, looks good in porn, heck for that matter even SOUNDS good in porn doesn't actually work out in real life. and i think it can be a disappointment when it ends up that way. even for me too. we're pretty open about most thing, but i don't think sex is something that we have talked about to any lengths at all. and i know that you're supposed to learn each other with words and such, but somehow we skipped this chapter completely and i'm not too sure how to go back to it. on top of all that, we don't even like the same positions. it's pretty exhausting sometimes.
speaking of doctors though, I'm going to get braces. for years my teeth has been bothering me. i had braces when i was younger, about 13, but i completely failed when i didn't use my retainers, and ever since about 4 or 5 years ago, i can't help but notice the crooked-ness of my teeth. since i have insurance at my current job, I decided that I should go through with braces. it will be about a year to a year and half. I hope my teeth will be responsive, because I only want the braces for a year if possible. the treatment will cost me $1500 as opposed to 3K. I'm getting my teeth x-rayed on Wednesday. After that I put on my braces. I'm not looking forward to that first day, but after that it shouldn't be too bad. I guess it doesn't matter too much, sometimes I rarely have appetites anyway.
actually, it's a good thing I talked about fights last time, it was a good marker in time because apparently we haven't fought in about a month. we had a fight yesterday. i guess it was a stupid fight, the subject i mean, but just the way it was treated, the way he treats me in a fight, i have to say that upon retrospect, i feel disgusted at the way things went down and how it was all handled. it really makes me feel like sometimes he doesn't care at all. i thought that maybe something might've sparked a change since our last fight. i can say to the least that we haven't been fighting as much i guess, but he still hasn't learned very much. sometimes, i feel like he has no understand of me. he has no compassion towards me.
what we fought about was stupid, but the way he treated me was disappointing. there were no comforts or hugs, only irritation. even through the end of it all, after i mentioned what i wanted, he still sat there in his chair. i had to shout out that he should be with me before he moved. i didn't think that he wouldn't be able to take such a hint. and i hate how he thinks everyone's like his mom in his head. i get that he doesn't mean to, and i know he doesn't really think that i'm his mom, but i am offended that he ends up treating me that way. he thinks that everything i do has an ulterior motive, as if i cry louder as a scheme to gain more sympathy from him, or that i'm moping around just to irritate him and send some message that he's in the wrong. it disgusts me to put it simply.
sometimes i really wish i had a friend again. i haven't felt such a painful loss like i have right now. i can get by alright most of the time, not having a friend is not a huge ordeal, but i think for the first time in a long time, i really wish i had someone to talk to, not just IM or text either, but someone i could talk with in person, maybe even share a coffee with to catch up on things, but i have nobody. i know i can't stand most people, in particular i can't seem to stand most women. sometimes i wonder if i have poisoned myself. maybe people aren't as bad as all that. maybe i could give them a chance, but it's too late for that now. i don't even meet new people anymore. i couldn't give them a chance even if i wanted to. at times like this i wish i was religious. if i could go to church or something, i'd be able to confess before a group that i have been terrible at making friends and even worse at keeping them, and these people wouldn't judge me, they'd be accepting and would attempt to make friends with me, but alas, i'm too stubborn to set foot in a church for i definitely can't be as giving or as accepting as these people that i want to have accepting me, because i can't stand how preach-y most christians are. and i think that the problem isn't even them, it's definitely me. me, who can't even get over saying "bless you" after someone sneezes, and me, who can't ever say "i'll be praying for you" when something bad happens to someone else. because i don't mean it. i get that it's about sounding like i'm caring to the other person, but i can't bring myself to lie like that. it's not that i don't care about your well being, it's just, why do i have to bring god and praying to go into it? as if praying to god would change anything... but that's another matter altogether.
or sometimes i wish maybe i was an alcoholic, so i could go to an AA meeting. the point is, a group with a common interest. i can only come to the conclusion that i must not only not have any friends, but be boring as well. why don't i have something that ties me to something else? and i think in particular, i look for places that easily give out sympathy, because i don't even want to work to try to get a friend, because i can't remember or i don't know how to make friends or become close to someone anymore. it had been easy when i was surrounded by people i was forced to deal with at school, but not anymore. at school everyone came from a common background. at work, everyone is different aged, different background, and the few people that are my age, i can't imagine being friends with the girls, and then those that i can... it's the same trouble, how do i talk so that i could become a closer friend to that person? how does one change from being an acquaintance to a friend, to a close or best friend? why can't there be a class, like friendship 101. i bet that we could all become friends too in that class.
i'd like to continue working on my story, but i hadn't touched it since before last year. sometimes i remember the youth in my past and i wish i could put that on paper, in my story, but i don't feel that i've described that feeling at all in it. sometimes i wish i could go back to that time. i forget that i'm still young sometimes, but i can't help notice the younger ones. i feel so unaccomplished sometimes that it honestly makes me want to ask myself, what is the point? i'm still of the firm belief that only a handful of people would really care that i was gone. but i guess i don't go through with something like that because i'm not depressed and i don't really want to die. just that i'm not sure what's the point of living, and i guess i never thought i'd believe it but living is easier than choosing death over living. speaking of death, the other day i found out that one of my pen pals had died in her sleep last may. she had a weak heart that just stopped beating in the middle of the night. i was quite sad to hear about that. she was studying biology and such to eventually become a doctor and to do research. if there ever was a god, i wouldn't understand why he would choose for her to pass, when she had family and friends who would truly miss her, as well as being a very capable person that would contribute so much to society, over me. during the fight yesterday, i wondered why it couldn't have been me. why don't i have a weak heart?
on totally different other note, the roommate has moved out. some of his stuff is still here, but the furniture is all gone. he said he had to move back home because of some home problems and such, but i have no doubt he was happy to get away from us as well. it's a relief on his end i'm sure. i guess i'll miss him. there are things i dont like about him, but at least he was someone that i did stuff with, even if it was at home. we may get 1 or 2 more roommates a few months from now, but it won't be the same.