A good fight
@ 2:24 p.m.
You know what I think might be part of the problem with me writing in here? It's because I'm too lazy. Like, I guess sometimes things actually do happen, like last night for instances, shit definitely happened, but the problem is, looking it over now I don't want to go into a description of everything that happened. I don't want to get into details about it. I know this is a problem because in my old diary, I would want to talk about it, I would want to get it all out. But now I don't care, I don't really want to bother to explain out everything that happened. And I can't decided if I should just suck it up and write it all out anyway, and maybe eventually I'll learn to like it, or if I should say no, don't do it because you shouldn't bother yourself with things you don't like to do, or things you don't have an interest in. But I wish I did. I wish I had that drive again to want to write it all out. I wonder if part of the reason is because I'm such a recluse and that I never talk to anyone about anything. I mean, I stopped writing in diaryland almost exactly the time I started to become a recluse. Sometimes I really wish that I could make friends again, but making friends is so difficult to do, especially since no one seems to get me. I think everyone would be horrified by me if they really knew me, in particular the females. I don't act anything like my kind. It is a good thing, but everything good has something bad, so it is a hinderance as well.
Well, I don't want to get too much into detail, but I made food last night. The best batch of yakisoba noodles that I've ever made in my life. I was so excited, but c didn't seem to give a shit. But it seemed that way because he was distracted by his game of LOL. He was losing... and also playing with people who pissed him off apparantly. It turned into a big fight, when honestly the fight was about nothing. But well, we made up, explained things and I'm hoping for the best in the future. We still need to work on so much... In any case, this fight stood out to me because how we decided to reconcile was sweeter than usual. I actually felt like there was reconciling. He seemed to behave lovingly. Sometimes, it seems like even our fights have become systematic. Like, once it gets to that phase where we solved the issue and things are back to normal, it's like none of that ever happened. But yesterday it seemed like we actually had a fight, and we actually had a reconcillation. I just never felt so cared for. He lied with me for a little while, but then he went on the computer. Of course I fell asleep because I was tired and he always stays up much later. But I woke up a few times, and just the way he rushed over to me as if something was wrong... Nobody would fret over something like that, especially not after we've been together for so long. It made me feel special again. I don't think it's something I would feel even with sex. I wish I could always remember that feeling, but things fade unfortunately.
The biggest success out of this fight is that I think we actually addressed a root problem. c doesn't even seem to try to console me anymore when I get mad and that pissed me off. c claims it's because he doesn't know a good way to make me feel better and he only gets frustrated, he says that, "it's like you want to stay pissed off, so why would I bother to try making you feel better?" So we're meeting each other halfway, I need to work harder at expressing my thoughts or feelings on the matter, and not just feel angrier on the inside cause he's not doing it right. I get that he's not a mind reader, but sometimes I feel like he should be. I know that's crazy, but I'm crazy. I miss that he used to be so loving. Maybe it'll come back this time... I want to track my fights that I have with him, even my good days too. He says that I'm mad too often. If I had an actual number, maybe that will help? So I was going to make a new diary, but fuck--forgot about the sign up process now. I emailed Andrew, and hopefully he'll let me make a diary without needing me to pay for gold membership.
Oh! On a completely different note. I'm more pumped up than ever to try to lose weight again. I haven't been going swimming since December and I guess this month, me and Marcos have been going sporadically, but the point is not consistent. And I'm back to my old weight. Not so bad as nearly 180 lb that I used to be when I had first started trying to lose weight, but I'm around 160 and that's disappointing. Right before I stopped swimming, I was almost at 150. So I decided to read up a little bit more about fitness and I guess I actually really need to do more weights as well as eat more protein. I wonder if I was actually losing muscle more than I was losing fat before? Anyway, I'm plotting out a new exercising schedule, hopefully I can get back down to 145 (the lowest I was ever at in the course of the weight loss I was going at), and maybe even lower than that eventually. I guess weight doesn't have to be an issue as long as my body actually looked nice.
Also, on a totally different, not so related note... Marcos announced this weekend that he's planning to move out, in March or April-ish. He prefers March, but well, we'll see how it goes. I don't blame him for moving. He says he has stuff going on at home he needs to take care of, and that he only partially moved out with us for our sake (easier on the rent), and while I get all that, I can't help feeling that a good 50% of his reasons are that he can't wait to get away from us. And I'm feeling resentful of him because of it. Like, I know he wanted to move out to begin with, the thing with his family was just a really good reason or excuse for it. Maybe it's a good thing that he'll be gone, but now it leaves me and c wondering how we'll go from here. We don't want to move, so that means getting a roommate, but would we know anyone that can? There's only one candidate but he's not a for sure thing. Depends on if he can find a job after graduation in May. I don't like that things are so up in the air like this.