No Emotion
@ 2:49 p.m.
I can't remember the last time I wrote something real, raw or emotional in here. I think it's because I'm just not emotional anymore. I also chalk it up to a terrible memory and that I just can't explain things like I used to.
I think the things I write in here are all a blur, just like my life. In high school, and maybe around the time I was starting college too, there were definite phases of my life. Like, I can still remember, maybe not so well that I can feel those memories, but at least I can know that they happened. (Who knew that 10 years was such a long time ago) But anyway, I can still remember freshman year I was really happy. and I can still recall meeting Chris that January. I still remember my first kiss in April. Overall, my freshman year in high school was too good to be true. And then the trouble started in sophomore year, and I stopped talking to Nancy, and just what a sad pathetic year that was that I really didn't know who I was actually friends with. And then in my junior year I started meeting new friends in my classes, but yet I hadn't gotten close enough to go out and hang out with them. And then senior year, there was my heartbreak of a lifetime, eric and yet still so much fun at the end of the year, hanging out with all my senior friends. none of it meant anything really, but they were about me having fun. Happy freshman year. Lost Sophmore year. Introverted new beginning junior year, and Fun and heartbreak senior year. But ever since, probably just around the time I started dating C, I feel like my life has been mundane. I don't feel any of the emotions that I did in high school. I can't tell if this is normal or not. Is high school just more exciting? Or is it actually just me and I've lost how to feel? When I think about the past 5 years, I feel like they've all been a blur. A real blur. I can't actually remember anything significant that happened. I remember a few events. C getting his license finally, and getting pulled over by the cops a few times for speeding. I remember how his mom would go berserk sometimes and the negative effect that had on C. I remember that night at the hotel when we had amazing sex. I remember our first time at C's old place. But between these things, I don't really remember anything at all. How did I live? What was my life like? I can't remember C's old house really at all. And we just moved out of C's old apartment in January, and it feels like that was 3 or 4 years ago. I feel like not only has my emotions left, my ability to remember memories have faded as well. I can remember, as in I can see things, have vague ideas about things, but I can't relive it. And every day that I've been living is just another blur on top of another. I used to think that I'd live out the rest of my life in these phases. Happiness for this period of time, and then depression for another period, but it's all just been the same, like a y=0 graph, and just zero, not positive or negative.
And I think that's why everything I write about in here is boring. Everything I write in here is meaningless. And these numbers that I use to denote my entries, they're just that. when I try to search for anything, good luck trying to find what I'm looking for, but I guess I'm operating on the basis that what I write isn't important enough to be remembered anyway, and I honestly think that's how it is.
So when I don't write for days, and I forget that this place exist, it's because I don't have anything interesting to say, that's why I haven't written.
I couldn't even really describe my relationship with C if I wanted to. It must be because I'm dead inside. Otherwise, I must have more to say about C, but I just don't. I want to say or wish that it's because it's a contentment that old people feel, a certainty of sorts, but I don't think it is that. And I shouldn't ruin what old people have with my pack of lies.
I have no clue what the fuck happened to me.