fuck the pill
@ 10:28 a.m.
Completely forgotten about diaryland again. I usually write at work, but I got distracted by other things such as LOL-streams. I've also been going to Cracked too. It's kept me busy and then I forget about diaryland.
There's not been anything to talk about lately. Nothing's really changed. Something that's been worrying me is that I've been spending quite a bit of time on non-work related websites. I sometimes wonder if this will get me into big trouble. I'm not as good as I used to be about covering it up either because I've almost gotten too relaxed about it. All bad, terrible things. Besides that, work has been immensely enjoyable, as much as work can be enjoyed anyway. I've been pretty bored lately, but I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing. I have a lot of extra time, but am not sure if I want more work or not. Sometimes I hate being bored, but other times I just don't feel like doing anything.
I've not thought about my story at all. I guess I need to come up with a solution for my story, but I've just not thought about it at all. It's probably because I've been watching too much of those LOL-streams. You know, some of those players aren't even that good and they rage so much it's annoying to watch. And I'm surprised at how ignorant some of these people are. I've gone off topic though. The point is that I haven't thought of any solution yet and it's keeping me from wanting to continue. I'm hating every single word I wrote, and I just don't see how any of it is any good at all. I think it's absolute crap and even if I were to make it better, I don' know who the fuck would actually be interested in reading it, and I don't mean people I know who would buy it out of pity. I mean people who would want to read it because it's interesting. Ugh.. just thinking about it gets me so upset now.
C got my cold too. It's kind of hilarious how that is. It's exactly what happened last time. I got a cold, then our roommate got it right away, then I start to get better, and just as I'm over it, C catches the cold. I feel far away from him sometimes. Maybe the only time I feel close is when we lie together in bed.
You know something I was pondering the other day. I was thinking that I'm not really into sex/masterbation/anything sexual anymore. And the last time I can actually quite well recall I was really into that stuff was in high school. Of course then we broke up and I had a small regrettable fling before I got together with C. I guess I was also in college then with two other roommates so when the fuck was I going to masterbate. I never felt comfortable with that. I remember being decently sexual during my short fling. I also remember when C and I first started having sex, it felt sooo good. And then my memory begins to fade. During my last year of college, I started taking the pill. and very recently I realized I have absolutely no sex drive. I'll get horny like maybe once every two weeks and it's hardly ever an urge I can't just supress anyway. I started these pills in March 09 So I guess I've been taking these pills for over 2 years and a half now, and it's worrying me. I think the pills are lowering my libido. And it's annoying as hell. Now it's gotten me questioning if maybe the pill is ruining my sex drive. Like maybe I could be wanting it all the time and I could be enjoying sex a lot more if it wasn't for the goddman pill. I'm just hardly ever in the mood anymore. This didn't seem like a big deal before, but I've really started to notice it lately. Like past year, or maybe even longer. It wasn't as a big deal before because C initiated a lot more often. Now he's gotten lazy and sex is just not at the top of the list anymore. He said to me that he'd be more willing to do it if I did more of the work. I don't think I would mind. I would like to get more in shape for it anyway. It's a good way to lose weight, but goddamn it, how the fuck am I supposed to get in the mood? I've been thining about seeing a gynecologist. But since I switched jobs I don't have medical coverage just quite yet. I'll be seeing someone new. I hope this person will help me. Why do I feel like all doctors are so impersonal now? I never liked anyone at Kaiser. I really hope that our health plans isn't with Kaiser. And I want to have a good doctor. I really want to keep with someone who actually knows me, and doesn't have to look through a file to know my history. However, I don't see this happening soon sadly.. it takes more than a handful of appoinments for a doctor to remember me. My medical coverage will kick in at the end of this month though and I really want to talk to someone to discuss my problem. I don't think I should be having libido problems at 24. It's disgusting.
C seems depressed about school stuff again. I feel like lately he's just been down in general. I sometimes wonder if he'll ever recover out of it.
I spent too much money this month. It's kind of pissing me off how much I spent actually. I need to save this month. I suggest going somewhere to vacation for a few days, as I don't get paid for vacation days, I don't want to go for too many days, I recommended a bunch of places, but C was not interested in any of them, because there wasn't anything that we seemed to want to do there. Like in Chicago, one of the main attractions is shopping... ? Maybe that's why we're boring people, we don't do anything that everyday people would like to count for as a vacation, and then we don't end up doing anything because of it. I suggested going to Disney world. I looked up the prices already and it's about $500 for the stay (if we stay at the hotel) and about $500 for the tickets, and about $1000 for the plane ticket. Just doesn't seem worth it for about 4 days. And if I don't go for 4 days, the pricing for the park tickets are more expensive per day. Fucking Disney world. I'm almost thinking about just saying fuck it and we'll go to the disneyland here. It's definitely cheaper cause we save on flight and we could probably find a cheap hotel. However, tickets to Disneyland is expensive as fuck everywhere so that's nice.
It's Friday and I can't tell you how excited I am. I've really been looking forward to the weekend. Why does every week feel almost like a chore when I think about just relaxing on the weekends? Plus, work has been stressing me out lately and I'm finally supposed to be able to finish up on something so it won't stress me out anymore. I'm still waiting on that though... it's almost 12pm, so maybe it will happen within the next hour or two.
I really need to read the books I bought but they're just sitting there being neglicted cause I only want to play lol. I've gotten a lot better at it, but lol is a waste of time. Even as I know this, why is it so addicting?
This weekend I'm making sushi! excited about that... :)