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@ 12:40 p.m.
Ugh didn't do anything all weekend of course except play tons of LOL. I really have to stop but it's kind of addicting at times. I know it's a useless and pointless game that has no productivity value in it, yet I still can't seem to find myself stopping sometimes. I guess when you don't make any plans for the weekend, you can sometimes end up quite a bit bored and then playing LOL seems like a good idea. The good news is at least I'm trying out different characters. The bad news is sometimes I'm still sucking at them, and I still lose quite often. I'm not that peeved about it. In fact, I should be more bothered just by the fact that I'm spending too much time on that shit.
Hah, the only good thing (and I define this loosely or perhaps even with a hint of sarcasm) that came out of yesterday was that I was able to catch up on Ringer and Revenge, which seems to be the best two new shows this season has to offer. I've tried watching Pan Am and Person of Interest, but I fell asleep before and haven't had a chance to give it another try. I'm just loving Revenge. Every single minute of it is just filled with awesome. I have never quite cheered so much for something I don't really agree with in real life. Revenge is tiring and it takes so much effort and anger to keep alive. How could you live like that? But seeing Emily's character is amazing. So methodical. I think I'm actually jealous. The only thing that's making me sad is I wonder what this character would be like in real life after her revenge is done. To have one thing drive your entire life, and then that's gone. I think I'm cheering so hard for Emily because what they did to her father is just so horrible. I can't help but want someone to do something to make it right. Speaking of that, I bought Count of Monte Cristo awhile back, that book is huge. Well, I did buy the unabridged version, but I have yet to start on it. Maybe I haven't been in a reading mood lately. Ringer is a good/bad show in such a weird way. I know I'm biased because I love anything Sarah Michelle Gellar is in, but it is a good show. On the other hand, I'm sitting here wondering, how far they're going to take this. Having never been in Bridget's situation, I just can't relate to her at all. I would've never taken over my sister's life. I would've just gone to trail. But I guess I haven't been in that situation where I fear for my life so who knows. It's just bad in that they want me to buy in all of this, and it's hard. Yet I know if I were able to buy into it, I would really enjoy the show. I do hate how slow they are revealing Siobhan's plan though.
I've noticed lately that life is a repetition with the people that we know. I mean by this simply that C and I have the same types of fight every time and they're usually of the same topic. I wonder if that would ever change, but I can't imagine it. Sometimes I think that I could change, but the fact that he doesn't or isn't able to makes me not want to bother to change. It's bad for me to say I don't want to change because he won't, because that's so selfish, but I guess I never stopped being 12. Sometimes I think that I have a totally different concept of a relationship than how he preceives. I help him out in ways and then I will expect his help back in something else. When he's not able to help me or doesn't want to help me, I bring back that I helped him do so-and-so. Then he gets angry at me saying that he didn't realize my help came with a price. He then says stuff like he helps me all the time with so-and-so and doesn't ever expect anything back from me. Sounds rather bullshit if you ask me. Isn't that what a relationship is? Helping each other? I guess when it comes down to it, I always expect more help than he can give. Is that because he doesn't help enough or is that because my expectations are impossible to meet?
Last night while I was watching one of my TV shows, he all of a sudden was playing LOL with all his friends and without me. Is it wrong of me to expect him to invite me to play with him? I know that the room was already full and I wouldn't have been able to join him, but why wasn't I one of the first ones invited? Or maybe he was looking at the game client at all the people who were already on and just invited all of them, but fuck, I didn't realize turning around to another part of the room to ask someone else if they wanted to play was so much more difficult than looking at a stupid buddy list. I was so irked by the lack of invitation, every little time he got loud on his game, it was like that high pitched chalk against the blackboard sound. I was so irked. He was particularly loud a few times and I ended up telling him off. He asked me to play about 2 games later, but by that time it was almost time for bed and I just wasn't in the mood anymore. I guess I will give him credit for asking, and also for him shutting up the later half of the game, but why can't I help but feel that he is so inconsiderate half the time?
I tried to apologize for my irritation this morning via text (and I know while most people think that texting to say anything serious is a bad idea, I know him well enough to see the conversation) and it was pretty much ignored. This is how it always is. He finds some way to irriate the fuck out of me and I can't seem to get it out of my system. It's just this constant annoyance that I can't seem to stop feeling. I think he used to try. No, I know he used to try, but then I think he gave up. I guess that's kind of sad, but I think I asked him to give up. Now, I'm not sure which one is worse, him listening to me and just leaving me alone, or him trying to make me feel better when all I want to do is wallow in my annoyance of him. In any case, he didn't really say much to my apology. I already know how he feels about it. I don't mean my apology. Nothing's actually going to change. I'll still get worked up the next time I get this irked feeling. I try to offer why I'm pissed. E.G. You didn't invite me to play along with him. But no reply from him. To him, he doesn't care anymore. He just wants to move on. And of course, he definitely wouldn't apologize. Was there something to apologize for? Sure, there was. But he never apologizes to me. It's not even him being a stubborn man type thing. It's just he has always hated having to admit he was wrong to his mom ever since he was a kid. I forget the exact reason behind it, but there's trauma behind it, so I get it, but god the reality of it sucks. I think I wouldn't be so mad if he just offered a sincere apology to begin with... Maybe. Sometimes I'm not even sure of myself anymore. I can't actually predict how I will feel. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, but the support that I want to receive from C is not the ones I get. We just see things so differently. We fix things differently. I wonder if his lack of text back means that he's mad at me. That I'm ridiculous for getting mad at not being invited. That maybe he has every right to do whatever he wants and doesn't have to invite me. I guess I don't see anything wrong with that logically, but why does it feel like such a huge betrayal emotionally? I guess that's something else that's always bothered me too. I'm the one trying to look at things differently. Maybe it's my fault?? While I'm sure he probably doesn't think twice about it. He just thinks I was having one of my stupid bitch moments and now there's a whole argument to be had afterwards that he doesn't want to deal with.
I honestly just want to forget the whole thing happened. When I think about it, I know my emotions aren't so logical sometimes. Instead of bring a whole bunch of shit up though, I think I'm just gonna try to forget about it. I think that's what he would prefer. I just wonder if I could. I wonder if I can say, I want to put it behind me, and then do that.