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@ 9:35 a.m.
ugh Feelling almost too retarded to write right now because just a second ago, my coworker was right there and I was switching the tabs right in front of him, but I opened the wrong one and it was the diaryland members page. The add an entry specifically, but I hadn't written anything yet so it was blank at least. But I'm pretty sure he might have noticed the big font that said "diaryland" because I sure as hell did. Ugh. Well, even if he knows I have an account he has no way to find out who I am. I don't even write my name on here, worst that could happen?
Eh, I just spent some time searching myself on google. the good news is that if people just search diaryland and my name, nothing comes up that links to this diaryland. I don't know if I've ever said my real name on here, which is good, so my co-worker has no way to find my diary. The bad news that I did notice was that if you search under my aim screenname and diaryland, a lot of shit comes up. Apparantly I posted quite a bit of conversation I had from back in high school and stuff, which is bad cause that means everyone who ever knew me in high school could potentionally find me. Especially since I know a couple of people at the top of my head who knows both about this place and my aim screenname. But then again, I don't really care if those people are still reading my shit to be honest. I don't say anything that important. Secondly, I highly doubt anyone in high school will actually remember me and then go, hmm I wonder what she's up to and search me on google. More likely, they'll go on facebook (but little do they realize, I don't go on facebook that much and therefore can't really be traced there). I just looked up my aim screenname on google and this time I am relieved to find that on the first page at least, there's nothing about diaryland (except one page, but actually there was a user named darkangelz5 who wasn't me, but it looks like she doesn't write anymore. interesting). However, there's something on page 2. Oh well, like I said, they'd have to know me in the past to find out information about me now, and as long as the people who know me now try to find anything, it shouldn't be a big deal. Plus, it's not like I write anything remotely interesting.
So now that I got that out of the way--onwards.
I thought a little bit more about why I think my writing sucks. I think I did used to do ALOT of editing each entry. I can't really recall how well I wrote the first time around, but I remember I used to have a lot of spelling errors, and I guess some sentences didn't make that much sense. I guess if I think about it, maybe my writing's gotten better. My entries make SOME sense and I never edit, so my spelling errors seem to be nonexistant now. Since I don't really write for an audience, I guess I stopped caring. I'll try to have it make more sense now. I'm sure if I wanted to go back and read this I will not be able to recall anything and would be confused while reading my own entry. For my own sake, I should strive to write better so I can remember what I'm talking about years from now.
Speaking of facebook, I have this huge urge to tell C to upload those pictures from NYC (when I went last december) so I can tell everyone who knew me in high school, I'm not a fat cow anymore like I was 2-3 years ago, and also I'm not a loser who just doesn't do anything (seems like everyone is traveling everywhere on facebook). Just-HEY! LOOK I'M JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU ALL. But eh, I just don't want people to think I'm as fat as I used to be. I'm proud that I have more disicipline now. I'm at 154 lb by the way. It's a good thing that I'm not above 160lb again, but it seems difficult to drop down below 150. I guess 150 is not that bad. I used ot be around 150 in high school. I've always wanted to be around 120 though. Oh, I've been swimming Mon-Thursday. Did I mentiont that already? I forgot.
Hm, about yesterday's entry. Seems like once I got home and was distracted by other things, I learned to let go of my anger. I think it might have been a bit unreasonable anyway. I always think that C doesn't do anything for me, but it's just not true. He does a lot. Like last week he finally made me my cheesecake without me even saying anything. And when we went out to watch 50/50 last weekend he wasn't even interested in it, but he paid for it and watched it with me anyway. I addressed the issue with him. He says that the main reason he spends so much time on LOL is because there's not much else to do. For him, it's LOL and Minecraft, all the time. He sounds really depressed so I encouraged him to find new hobbies. It's kind of weird that I'm encouraging him to find new hobbies since I think just awhile ago, he was encouraging me to find new hobbies cause I was so bored. Now, I'm definitely not bored anymore. I have generally too much things I want to do and not enough time to do it--and they don't include playing LOL (good for me). So he said there was something he wanted to do, but it would cost money. He wants to make his own motorized scooter. So I offered to buy the parts for him so he could do that. He felt bad about it, but it doesn't even bother me. Honestly, this job has made me filthy, disgustingly rich. I make about $2600 a month because I can make a decent amount of overtime every week. I'm pretty sure I'm making more than my mom, and way more than my dad that's for sure. Anyway, I split the rent with everyone so I only pay $360 for that. I've also been paying the electricity. It was supposed to be split between me and C, and our roommate pays the internet, but I've just been paying all of it cause C doesn't work enough to earn that much money. Then besides that I give my mom $200 for cell phone and car insurance a month. Besides that, I don't have any responsiblities besides what I want to buy. I spend about maybe $300 to $500 on groceries, food, restaurant, movies, etc etc for the month. Sometimes I have spent more when I buy more stuff, maybe up to like $800 or $900, but that's only some months. Then there's about $200 for gas. That leaves me with at least about a $1000 every month. So yea, $200 to fund his scooter making project, is not going to put a dent in my pocket. Although, I've been trying to save money but failing the past year. I guess that's been because my old job sucked. I was barely making $2000 a month, and those car repairs I had to pay for was ridiculously expensive. Anyway, the point is if this is what it takes for C to be less depressed, then that's fine. That's what I'll do. Cause him spending so much time on LOL bothers me to no end. What a complete waste of time.
On the other hand, my computer has arrived. I need to pick it up from my house, I'm hoping to do it tomorrow. I'm pretty excited to own my own desktop, because now I can play LOL without lag. Yes, it is pretty stupid that I don't play LOL that much and yet the most benefit I get from having a new desktop is that I can play LOL much better. My laptop still works perfectly. It's not broken or anything, but as I've said before, now that I don't travel around everywhere, a desktop is ideal.
I swear last night when I had first found this out, I thought for sure I would write about this first today, but I completely forgot about it until maybe a paragrah ago. Jeff is ENGAGED. (to this ugly very plain looking girl bordering on ugly--and I'm being objective/ or maybe that wasn't her in his profile picture, but I compared that picture with her small profile picutre and it looked similar enough) Anyway, I was so shocked at first. I don't know that there's any other words to describe it other than I was so shocked. I was a little sad I supposed. Maybe. I'm not even sure anymore. I guess I was disappointed for sure. It just felt so final I guess. But then I got over it when I realized--No, when I reminded myself--it's not actually him anyway. I wanted the old him. In fact, I'm sure what I wanted was the experience I had when I was 13. Uncaring, easygoing, playful and foolishly in love without knowing any real consequences, happily 13. But that's called youth and you don't get that back. He doesn't get that back, and we don't get that back together. And then I reminded myself of all the things I didn't like about him. Like how he NEVER ACTED like he cared about me at all, and how he still doesn't. I guess it doesn't really matter. The only thing I'm jealous about is that he's probably getting married first. Also, how dare he like Muse?
I like that C and I have patched things up again. He paid me more attention last night then he had all week. Oh, he also mentioned thinking about dropping out of school. That scares me. I don't want him to do that. He wants to drop out because it's a lot of boring meaningless work. He hasn't actually learned anything that he doesn't already know. I guess his classes sucks this quarter and he's bored out of it, yet he has to do all this busy work for his classes. I need him to get this degree. I don't think he will drop out but it's a worry I guess.
On a totally different note, I'm working up a storm on my story. It almost seems like once I get started I can't seem to stop. My deadline was going to be one chapter a week, and this week I was supposed to finish chapter 4 by the end of this week, but I finished it last night. I've already started working on chapter 5, which is more or less where I left off (I had a little bit done on chapter 6), I was supposed to finish chapter 5 and start on chapter 6 by the end of next week, now I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get chapter 6 done by the end of this week, and maybe I can start on chapter 7 too. A part of me is worried that maybe my chapters aren't long enough, or my story won't be long enough. I'm trying not to let that get me down. After all, about 100 pages on Word is about 300 pages of a book. I have 35 pages right now, so technically I have about 100 pages already, and 100 pages is technically enough for a book. I'm trying to estimate about how much more I have to write to complete the book, but it's hard. I'm not exactly sure of EVERYTHING that will happen yet. I just gotta keep working on this and not worry about such things.
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I hope my thoughts are clear in this entry. I tried to think about each sentence I wrote. But I'm still not editing shit.