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@ 8:27 a.m.
ugh that was bad. c saw me typing in here last time and he was all, you still write in that? it got me a little worried. i shouldn't have been so careless to write in front of him like that. it's just that i had some thoughts i wanted to get out and i'm too stubborn to realize when notepad is necessary.
i don't think he ever learned about this diary, but that may strive to make him want to find the right one all the more. I don't know, but for now I think he's forgotten about it.
while sitting in the passenger seat of c's car, "somewhere in between" came on. why does that song come with so much shit load of emotions every single time. of course c has no idea about that, but i'm pretty sure that song is the most emotional song i know (to me). it may or may not mean as much as some of the other songs, but i think it affects me so much because the song itself is depressing.
so last night i was listening to the rest of no name face and it made me want to reach out and talk to him... contact him, yet again. but i strangely realized there was no point. it's weird that i didn't notice it before but i have been on another cycle. i stopped the previous cycle to start another one, and i hadn't noticed it til now. i feel strangely strong because of what i've learned.
it's not about him anymore. i don't care about him. what i've been nostalgic about this whole thing was what had happened. i dream about it as if i don't know any better all the time, maybe because since it didn't happen in reality, it's easier to dream that it could've been better if that was what had happened. but i realize now that it probably wouldn't have been the happy ending i always imagine it would. and whatever i am looking for in him is not there, who knows if it was ever there.
i know i've said this before-that i miss him sometimes, but then i realize i'm missing a nonexistent person. the difference is that before i would say that and still hope and wish that it wasn't the case--i didn't actually want to believe what i said, but now i believe it, it's like i can finally see reality instead of a wish or desire. and i'm fine with it. well, maybe fine is too strong of a word, but i can accept it.
i don't want him anymore, but i guess i won't ever stop thinking about him.