392
@ 10:52 p.m.
been almost another month since i last wrote. nothing new is really going on since i last wrote. actually i can't really remember what i last wrote.
i'm listening to some jimmy eat world and this music is so nostalgically screaming of my freshman year of college. reminds me mostly of my loneliness which is a bad thing, but damn the music is so good.
thinking a lot about my writing lately. i need to do it. i think i'm distressed about my writing. i need to get over it and write it. it's hard for me to start it up almost each time. i have all these ideas and thoughts about my book(s) going through my head all the time. i feel like they're brilliant, or at the least interesting. they're sell-able. surely someone would enjoy them? yet i can't seem to complete this book. god, i think it could be really good, but it's not short like writing a song. i'm really worried about publication, but c suggests maybe i can do a webpage of my stories and maybe it will be popular enough to eventually get published. i don't know. i just know i'm deathly scared i won't be successful in the end. it will all have been in vain.
i want to say that it's not about the end of the journey, but the journey itself but it's hard. it's true: writing should be a hobby, a hobby that i should enjoy doing, and it should be for my fun and amusement, not necessary for publication. but i want to do it because of the publication. it's not really about the fame, it's more about being able to have the justification that my work was good enough. it's about approval. will i ever be able to get there? am i wrong for wanting this? because i want it for the wrong reasons? it's hard for me to enjoy my writing as a hobby when all i want to see is the end product...