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@ 6:09 p.m.
i can't believe it's only been about 2 weeks since my last entry, it's felt more like months.
you know something i've noticed in these entry that i write now, compared to back in high school? i feel like i can't ever seem to completely convey what i'm trying to say. whenever i read back the entry that i wrote, i always end up thinking, "that's not what i had imagined writing in my head" or "i'm sure that's not how i wrote it because there are bits and pieces missing and words used that doesn't accurately describe the situation". i've noticed this for awhile, but i haven't been able to do anything about it. i think part of it is because my attention span is not as long as it used to be and i can only think so many multiple thoughts. it's not like it used to be. is it because i'm not trying hard enough to going back and editing my entries, or is it just that my thoughts have become more cluttered? it bothers me, but not enough for me to do anything about it. it's annoying to read my own writing and want to scoff at how i sound in half of it because i'm not able to tell my whole story. even now, i think i must be doing a lousy job. ugh.
the new job is okay. i found out they let someone go already. i heard that she was temporary anyway, but i heard people talking in the office. the lady that i work with right now was talking with someone else and said that the manager didn't like her very much and couldn't wait to get rid of her. it just made me realize how much power she has and how much i have to watch out and behave well in her eyes. no one else matters. i hope she likes me.
i have another cubicle of course at this new job. it just reminded me of when i first started working at my old job and it had a cubicle there and i was so excited. this time i'm still just as excited. i noticed that after time i had totally forgotten that i worked in a cubicle and after awhile, it wasn't anything interesting anymore. now that i've started this new job, i'm excited yet again to be sitting in a cubicle. this time it's even better. it's a lot better covered. i feel like there's less chance of people snooping on me, not that anybody really does that around here anyway. nobody really seems to care what i do. the boss lady that hired me, i'll call her lorie, she doesn't even check in on me really to see what i'm doing, so when she did check on me once (last friday), it kind of freaked me out and made me nervous. i hope i do well here, i think i will like it here.
funny enough, nobody at work seems to do anything non-work related on the computers. i've yet to see anyone goofing off. i can't beleive it. i've been pretty sneaky i think anyway, and i keep looking to see if anyone looks at any website even remotely bad, but nothing. nobody even looks at news! i can't tell if everyone just works hard here and are honest, or if they found some way to be so dishonest that even i can't figure it out. i find it hard to believe it's the former. perhaps they are too busy to do anything they actually want to do.
my parents are going out of town for 3 weeks. this used to mean something good for me, but not anymore. them going out of town means i have to help my mom with favors while she's gone. this time, she wants me to help set up shop on the weekends. they used to sell gift shop type items back maybe 8 years ago, but stopped, however they were left with a whole bunch of goods still so now they're trying to get rid of it because they want to clear up some space at their house because they are planning to rent half of it. i guess it's a good idea, with me gone and well my grandma hasn't lived there for years now, it's just my parents and my brother. anyway, i'm annoyed at having to give up my weekends for my mother these next 3 weeks.
sometimes i wonder if my mother expects me to do too much for her. and other times i wonder if she really doesn't expect much from me at all and i'm just an awful child who doesn't like to help her mother. i suppose in the end, she always manages to guilt me into doing whatever she needs. i don't think i could ever refuse my mother. maybe she knows just the perfect amount of help to ask from me without going overboard and that's why i'm always guilted into helping her, because it's not like the thigns she asks me are impossible-just annoying.
did i mentioned that my grandmother passed away? because she did. i was affected as much as i thought i would be. at least i was honest. and she did live a long happy life. at 84, i suppose i wouldn't really want to continue to live- not if my husband had already gone, i didn't look all that pleasant, and i didn't do anything but lay in bed all day. i'm just sad that i didn't know her any better, that i couldn't know her any better. i couldn't seem to communicate with her at all these past few years while she was at the home. i couldn't undersatnd her and she couldn't understand me. half the time, she seemed lost in thought, and the other half she was busy trying to figure out who i was. it almost seemed as if she didn't have a personality. i don't know what she was like at all. i had already been too late.
we were supposed to smoke shrooms last night, but that didn't end up happening. marcos was supposed to get some from his friend, but she wasn't able to get it either. c still has some pot left over from last year and we have been smoking that last week. it's almost gone now. since we moved out in february, we are finally now having some fun. this was 6 months overdue. i'm pretty sure these are some of my happier times. lately, i haven't been so depressed as i had been a couple months ago. i really want to try acid, but marcos says that's harder to find than shrooms. anyway, we invited a couple of c's friends over yesterday. one hadn't done pot before, so his reaction was particularly amusing since i was also high. the other one didn't like to smoke pot because he would get depressed. he instead took about 8 shots of vodka. i also had about 4 shot of jager last night on top of being high. i'd never mixed before so it was different. it's still the happiest i remember being for a long time. well the guy who smoked pot for the first time passed out so fast. c seemed kind of out of it. i actually felt pretty far away from him for once. maybe it was because there were other people there. he seemed concentrated on his own world. and me, who usually falls asleep first didn't until near the end. marcos and i stayed up hardly paying attention to the crappy movie, Skyline, playing in the background, meanwhile the guy who took 8 shots of vodka complained what a bad movie it was, though i don't think any of us in that room could remember any scene in that movie. i remember feeling relaxed because he was rubbing my scalp. why does that feel so good? and when he stopped, i asked marcos to do it for awhile... and then later when we had all fallen asleep, c helped me up the stairs to our bed, but he wouldn't rub my scalp because he was tired. the sensation from it was so comforting for some reason.
i'm nervous about trying new drugs. a part of me thinks me a hypocrit. what happened to the old me who was so dead set against drugs? sometimes, i wonder what happened to that girl? i thought i used to have principles. but now i realize who cares about principles when no one but you is there to judge yourself. i might as well be having a little fun. i just can't go overboard.
oh yeah. i really need to work on my story. but what else is new?