gay
@ 4:31 p.m.
i guess i sort of have been meaning to update, but felt like there was nothing to say at the same time. something happend this weekend, i guess it made enough of an impact on me to make me come back here and write.
i have wondered why i don't come back here and try to keep more of a constant writing going on here, but realized that now i can't even bother to analyze why i don't want to write anymore. i think maybe it's just that i lack the passion to care to do anythign. i can't deseribe it any more than that because that's how i feel and how i am about life. i don't want it to become a depressing sort of thing anyway so i won't go on about that.
i found out this weekend that my brother is gay. c tipped it off to me about a couple months ago... well let me backtrack a little more. we moved out in february. me, c and our friend marcos. the place is great by the way, and i'm glad for the freedom i have. i'm really happy to have my own place. the only downside is that it really seems like i don't know how to cook anything particulary good and i'm kind of getting sick of everything i'm eating. anyway, so my brother came over at the end of february i think to our place and so he friended marcos. my brother asked marcos if he had a girlfriend and it seemed like my brother might've liked marcos based on the conversation (i don't remember it too well now), and he told c about it, and then he told me and both of them, based on what was said, told me that they thought he was gay. i think i was so surprised and in a way, in denial i guess that i didn't really believe them. i put off to how he has been since he was a child, and ignored certain signs that he could've been gay. i think even my mom agrees that he has a tendency to act a bit feminine...
anyway, he stayed over at our place for the week because it was his spring break (btw my brother is 16) but for the majority of the time he spent it with marcos. i guess it's not too odd, but it kind of is in another way. since i work all day, i only see him at night, and i don't play video games nearly as much as i used too.. and c thinks that my brother is kind of a brat and likes to show off so he doesn't really like my brother. i think in retrospect though, he wanted to come over because he wanted to hang out with marcos. in any case, on my drive back to take him home, i asked why it was that he liked marcos so much. i guess i asked him this because i wanted to know why he seemed to like hanging around him so much. i really wasn't expecting him to straightfowardly confess to me that it was because he liked marcos and that he was gay. he said it was sort of an infatuation and the thing is, i don't think anything will come out of it. i'm pretty sure that marcos is not gay, though now that i think about it, anything could happen i guess, i don't know. although, i can honestly say that i would be more than a little freaked out if i found out they were dating, i don't think i'm ready to accept that.
i know i shouldn't make this to be about me, but a small part of me is wondering why i got roped into such a mess like this? i have nothing against gay people, but still why did it have to be my brother that's gay? but a majority of what i am feeling is extreme sadness for my brother. let's all just come out into the clear, a huge majority of the people still haven't been able to accept gay people, and huge group of the amount of relgious people in the world still shun gays. i can't imagine how ABSOLUTELY DEPRESSING it must feel to be asking yourself, WHY THE FUCK AM I GAY? when the whole world seems to be telling you that no what you are feeling is wrong, how do you defend against that? i know it's going to be so difficult for him, so i can't help but wondering why ? why him? what did he do wrong? i just want to shelter him through all the pain that this is going to cause in his life, and i know i can't and that really depresses me. i guess all this time i thought he had a normal childhood, but now that i think about it, a lot of it was pretty messed up. and i don't think my parents are or were ever perfect parents to us. it's not their fault, but it doesn't change the outcome. i just think it's so shitty that someone like my brother who is a good smart kid and has never done anything wrong, has to face the stigma of being gay. i don't know why, but it deeply... straight into the core of my heart hurts me because of how much pain i know he is going to face. and i really wish i could shield him from all of that. i don't really understand why if there was a god, he would allow such a thing to happen to him.
and i know that my mom would be devasted being the fairly typical narrow minded mom that i know she is. she would probably blame herself and not understand why my brother would "choose" to be gay. i fear that she would blame herself so much that she wouldn't see the bigger picture of how much more support and love my brother would need. i fear so much for the happiness of my entire family. sometimes i really don't understand why this would happen to us. we're pretty normal, yet i now realize normal doens't mean anything. anythign can happen to anybody, and nobody is normal and everyone is normal.
i just dont' understand why him? i feel like everything that has ever happened in our family is all been a bunch of depressing events after another. i guess i had always hoped that my brother could at least be happy or normal. but i've known for a long time that he is depressed, probably to the extent that i am depressed, just that we take life in strides. i was hoping it would eventually end, or he'd grow out of his depression, but knowing this, it only reaffirms that all of our existances is to make everyone suffer. and god, why is it that no matter what the situation, i can still always hear kayleigh's voice
nothing ever gets better.