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@ 11:09 a.m.
wow i really haven't written in awhile. i guess at first i didn't care, and then i wanted to write thanksgiving weekend, but then that was forgotten... now it's already december, jesus. not much has been going on with me. i mean, it's the same old stuff. i guess in particular there was one thing i wanted to write about that i've been meaning to say for months, but partly couldn't be bothered, and got lazy or whatever. and that is that i'm finally completely over jeff. i don't even think about him anymore at all. i don't miss him, or want him or think about someday being with him. i don't dream that there's a possiblity that one day we'll get back together, or think about meeting him or anything like that anymore. i've happily decided that i want to marry c, and spend my life with him, and i'm really excited about it. i can't wait for us to be married. i'm really excited about us.
on another note, the two fellow co-workers we've had has left. they hired a new guy. i think he's kinda dumb. well, if not dumb, then definitely slow. he likes to ask the same questions over and over, and then ask them to another person too. he drives me kinda nuts when he does that, but whatever. i just try not to think too much about it, or it gives me kind of a headache to think about.
c and i are planning to move out in january. i'm super excited about moving out. i didn't really realize that i NEEDED to be moving out. i've been so goddamn sheltered all my life, and i've always had my mom to fall back on if i ever needed anything, that i realized i haven't actually grown up. and now i realize, i REALLY want to grow up. my mom used to say to me that i want all the independence without actually any of the responsibilites that come with it, and i now realize that i want the responsibilies too. i'm looking forward to it in fact. i'm going to enjoy cooking for myself, having my own place to look after (maybe clean). i don't mind having to work to be able to pay the rent and for the groceries. i would think before that i didn't want to move out because i was annoyed at the prospect of having a longer drive to work if i moved, but now i realize that that's also part of growing up and something i'll have to accept if i move. i'm so ready to be on my own. i think a part of me resent that i was so sheltered growing up. i really would've liked to been on my own a lot sooner. and honestly-- those college years didn't count.
speaking of college, i'm thinking of going back to school.. i never thought i would consider it but i've been thinking of about my life if i make this my career, frankly i have no interest to really become a customs broker. and the test is grueling and hard, and the thing is, i'm no good at studying on my own. i need a teacher, i need a class to go to every day in order to learn properly, and it seems like there aren't really many that exist, and the ones i do see exist are all in ny. so i don't realy know what to do, and honestly it's not even like this is my dream job, if i do this, and if i can bear it and pass the test, i could probably make a lot of money, but it still doesn't mean that i would really enjoy what i do.
what i really want to do is write. if i go back to school, i think i would pursue creative writing. but when i think about it, it just seems like such an unsteady job. it doesn't mean that i'll be good or i'll write good things, what if i completely suck? so a part of me thinks that creative writing will be a waste of time. and i don't know if i want a career that might end up totally unstable... which is why another thing i could consider is web programming, but honestly i've never thought myself as good enough.
i'm going to nyc for christmas to new years. i'm pretty excited. but a part of me is totally dreading after coming back and having to go back to work. after all, lately i'm so depressed on mondays. i love spending time with c, and i love the weekends beacuse of that, so on mondays when i go back home, and go back to work, it's so depressing. i'm going to feel much better once we move in together and i can be with him all the time...