373
@ 11:47 a.m.
i've been reading around on diaryland and it seems like a lot of people are lonely on diaryland. (hah, but then again, isn't that why people turn to a diary to begin with?) but the thing is everyone is lonely in the sense that they at least know some people to do things with, yet are not close to anyone, clearly they are lost because they don't have a best friend, a GOOD friend. it reminds me alot of my first year in college, when i tried so desperately to fit in, and yet i didn't belong with any of them. it just felt awkward and forced. i look back on it now and i wonder if i'm the only one that noticed that or if everyone clearly remembers me as that girl that hung out with them but never really knew them. in any case, when i think about it i don't know what was worse: my first year of college, where i tried without any success to gain friends, or even one good friend, or the following years after that where i just gave up and spent all my time with c. sometimes i wonder if it was a blessing or a curse that i had started dating c. if i had continued endlessly to try to belong somewhere or to one person would i have found anyone? or should i be glad that c came along because without him i'd been without success the last 3 years of college and i'd be even more alone than my first year of college. i really doubt that i could've found a good friend no matter how hard i tried, but yet i can't bring myself to be thankful that i at least had c, because then it leads me to the life i have now and that i don't have any friends, and i don't mean that as in i have aquitances or i know some people, but i literally do not have any friends. i don't do anything with anyone besides c, and his friends. (though c doesn't really have any friends either, but he is still better off than me) i think i want to blame c for my lack of friends, but i know i can't, because the honest truth is that i don't know how to make friends and that's why i'm stuck in this position. i don't know how to meet people and even if i did, i still wouldn't know how to be friends with them, or if that i wanted to i'd be too socially awkward to hit it off with anyone. but then again, i have a hard time finding people i truly want to be friends with anyway. so yes i can't help but feeling alone, and so goddamn empty most of the time. i recognize the void that's there, but i just ignore it because i don't know how to fill it up. i'm not sure what to fill it up with. and mostly, i think that there isn't anything out there that could fill this void. and i want to belive that this doesn't affect me, i think i have myself pretty damn well convinced that i'm not that badly off without any real friends, but i know there are times when i know i'm just lying to myself. one part of me is like yea remember when you had friends and how well that turned out to be? but i guess a part of me would just like a friend so that i could go out and watch movies with, or maybe shopping (even though i have never really been into shopping). or maybe that's the problem with me: that i don't have any hobbies so there's nothing for me to do with anyone. i just wish that being a friend didn't take so much work. i guess that's my problem. all my life i have never belonged anywhere. for awhile during high school i had convinced myself that i had finally found friends whom i belong with, but now that i really look at it i'm mistaken. the last time i saw charita (who is the closest thing i could have to a friend) it felt forced. it felt like all the other awkward friendships that i'd been in. that nothing came naturally, and even though i was sad to see our breakfast end, i was equally glad i was able to get through it without it showing to be too awkward. maybe the problem is me and i'm too ashamed of my old friends who are so much better than me. well actually, i know the problem is me. i just wish i knew a way to fix it. but eh it's pointless. ohwellwhatever.
on another note, my old job called me. the one that i had worked for through my the end of my last year of college. that one i used to go to once a week for about 5 hours. the one i quit because i was tired of giving up half of my weekend. he would like for me to work for him again. i'm not sure if it's temporary or more permanent. as in, i don't know if he's looking for someone else while i work for him, or if i'm going to be working for him for awhile. i didn't realize how much i REALLY didn't want to work for him until he called me yesterday and i've had some time to dwell on it. so i told him that i would only work for him if he paid me $20 an hour, which originally had been $18, but c convinced me to go for $20. (i was getting paid $16 an hour before) now that i calculated, i really wouldn't be making that much more money, because the problem is that i only work 5 hours a week with him. so if i get paid more per hour, it's still not really that much. so i figure i might as well try to push him for the full on $20/hr. the truth of the matter is i don't really care or miss the approx $300 a month i was getting from him. i would trade that away for the extra rest and for the time in which i practically do nothing. so this weekend i'm going to be working. i said i would accept his $18 for now and work saturday morning. but i think i might just tell him that if he doesn't give me $20 i don't want to continue to work. i think i'm also a little ticked because i kind of wanted to use this new job as an excuse to cut out on d&d time. honestly i am really not interested in d&d. it's really boring to me. i only go to include c honestly. that, and i think i would feel bad if i all of a sudden had to stop after i had semi sort of developed my character in the game. i feel like other people are counting on me. but honestly- i'm going for c. i honestly don't give a rats ass about the game. in fact, i really hate the time i waste there because i'm not doing anything that i actually enjoy. anyway, i thought maybe that if i worked sunday i could get myself out of that, but it seems like c would rather that i work on saturday than miss d&d. i know this is a little overboard but i honestly felt like he chose d&d over me. i know it's the not the case, cause we tehcnially play togehter along with other people, but i honestly feel like when other people are around, i'm not relaly with him. i dont like that i don't get to be all mushy with him. i've never been comfortable as a couple when other people around, but i'd much rather that i could do that during our time together, than feel like i can't do that so i don't. anyway i feel like it's time i'm with him but wasted time with him. in any case, working on saturday also means that i don't get to see him on friday, so it's all sorts of disadvantages. i've been thinking about maybe working on my story during d&d time. god, everyone there thinks i'm this big aloof drunken bitch that really doesn't care about the game or them. but i maybe i come across that way because that's the way i feel. I wish it wasn't so obvious that that's really how i felt about the whole thing. i wish that i wasn't so obvious. period.
i briefly brought up the whole sex problem with c. he made it seem as if it wasn't because he was lazy that he didn't want to ahve sex. if it isn't that then i don't know what the heck it is. it's actually now confusing me. and saturday night was confusing. we wen out driving cause he didn't want to go home yet, and on our drive back i guess i kinda got in the mood, but no way was i gonna do it by the road like that. i mean it was really dark there because we were parked by the beach, but still. anyone could drive by or park behind us and notice us. and c didn't even put up a fight. i don't know if i'm appalled or relieved by that. i guess i'm both. i like that he's not pushy about it because i wouldn't have agreed to such a thing and it would make me feel bad turning him down like that, but on the other hand i can't believe he didn't even try to persuade me. it's like he didn't even care, and it makes me worry a little that maybe he's given up on me. i can't say i blame him, but it's still disappointing. well, but i really was in the mood and i wanted to do naughty things when i got home. i wanted to pique his interested so i started giving him a hand job on the ride home. next thing you know i'm blowing him and he comes. (by the way we've never gone that far before, i usually just tease him...) which is what i was supposed to be doing, but i guess he got really into it, and i didn't want to be mean and just stop when he was so close. when we got home i thought he would still be into me, but i felt so rejected. he just laid there with me for a while and didn't want to do anything else. while it's semi sweet, i still felt awfully empty and neglected. and when he did finally get up, it was not to pay me any heed. no, he went on his computer to do i don't remember what. so i started watching a movie (time traveler's wife), and i'd only gotten through the previews when he suggested we watch it together. i was really hurt at this point so i didn't even really want to watch it with him, but i didn't want to show it, so i put it on and we watched it. and it really only made me madder to a degree because he wasn't really watching it or paying attention to it. it seemed more like that he was trying to fall asleep, but failing (probably because he ahd dranken coffee). he stayed awake for the whole movie, but i have to wonder how much of it he paid attention to. (on a side not here, i was disappointed by this movie. the romance wasn't very sad or very happy. it felt so much like it was just a story and i couldn't find myself feeling any sort of sympthy with the character. the only redeeming thing about the movie was that the time traveling/plot was interesting) all the while, he kept pointing out that i was mad at him and hoping that i would confess. i wasn't really mad, i was more upset. upset and disappointed and confused as to why he didn't seem to want me. finally i forgot how it happened exactly but we ended up having sex. to be blunt about it, i didn't like it and it hurt. i honestly don't know why it hurts sometimes but it does. actually the whole thing was really sort of disasterous, there were parts of it that really felt good, but the parts that were enjoyable was diminished by the overall act, because a lot of it was me semi crying in pain... even though it did feel good, it also came with pain. but i guess not all of it could be bad since i found myself drooling toward the end without even realizing it. that's a good sign right? i don't know. it was a pretty weird experience. it just left me more confused. why doesn't he want me?
i keep waiting for one of my pen pals to write me back. she is the only good, awesome, super cool pen pal that i have. i think that if we knew each other in real life we would be good friends. but i bet if i mentioned anything about meeting and being real friends i'd somehow manage to creep her out so i'd rather not do that. but anyway, i've been waiting for her to write me back so she could encourage me to continue my story. that's pathetic isn't it? i think this is one of the few things i couldn't see myselt talking over with c about. i really would feel embarrassed and that in the end i wouldn't feel like he was supporting me. sure, he'd say he was supporting me but it just wouldn't be the same. probably because i know what real support feels like, and i can't help but to think without it i'll never finish my story. i haven't touched it in months. it's really pathetic. another thing that's been keeping me from wanting to write is that i feel like my vocabulary is really lacking. i really wish i was surrounded by literary people so i had a much higher vocabulary. heck, i have trouble writing in here sometimes because i can't think of the right word. ugh. i wish i had someone that believed in me.
(btw just realized i haven't written in a week. god i could've sworn i had written sooner. time goes by really fast)
on a totally different and more happy note (to me anyway) i'm reading the final book from the school for heiress series by sabrina jeffries and i am super excited to see how it will all unravel. :)