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@ 12:34 p.m.
sorry i haven't written, but if you all couldn't gathered what happened: the weekend happened and i got too lazy to actually take my own personal time to write in here, but i have more than enough time while at work. god, today i pretty much finished my work within 30 minutes. but thank god a lot of stuff happens throughout the day that i do get more work. and also this new shipping line we're working with is giving me a huge headache.
i thought about starting a sex diary because for some reason that made me believe that i would feel like my life is more interesting, but then i realized that would probably only show how truly boring i am. i don't think anything i say about my experiences with sex would make me interesting at all. in fact, when people want to talk about sex, it's usually how awesome it is, and while i agree that yes sex can be awesome, there are a lot of other things about it that i don't find awesome at all.
for one thing, am i the only one who doesn't find sex to be a complete mystery? i feel like other people who write about sex find it like some fragile thing to be in awe of. while i find sex to be very... common. maybe this isn't just sex though, maybe it's because i've been this way my whole life. when i was younger my mom would teach me crazy things about boys that i've never used my entire life. like she firmly believed that i couldn't tell him EVERYTHING. i can't rememebr what tidbits of information i was supposed to keep from him though. and also that i was supposed to be always perfect in front him. i definitely should not move in with him unless i was married to him. she believed that i couldn't share intimate things with him that would fend him off. and she believed this also because she felt that if you shared too much about yourself in the beginning, there was nothing to share in the lifetime i would be with him. she told me basically a whole bunch of stuff that was meant for me to keep me to myself so that my husband wouldn't know what kind of person i was until we married, and by then we'd be married so there was nothing we could do about it (i think she dismissed the idea entirely that divorced existed). and as i grew up, i found that i experienced none of the things she had said, and i never behaved whatsoever as she did. i think in all my relationships i've been too open and too honest, and my whole personality from the start was that i was different because i never shyed away from touchy subjects (and believe me, somtimes i really should've kept my mouth shut because thats when people decided i was too weird for their taste), nor have i ever shyed away from anything sexual related. so when people get all giggly, blush, gushy, or some other random behavoir that i find odd, i can't help but wonder why sex has to be such hush-hush business. and it's not even like we're little 13 year old girls anymore. i don't think i've ever felt shy about my body even once no matter who i was with. and i know it has nothing to do with the fact that i have an attractive body or that i'm confident or anything like that because it's just not true. yet anything sexual related feels very natural and normal to me. so i honestly just don't get the big fuss about it. so maybe that's why i think my sex diary wouldn't be very interesting, because i don't find sex to be something out of the ordinary.
but there is something that's been on my mind and something that's been bothering me about sex, and it's specifically about sex with c in general. and i hate making him out to be the bad guy, but honestly the sex is just mundane. i feel like we used to keep it interesting, like he was more interested in me, now it just feels... i don't know. it's not really a chore, but it just seems like we're not that really interested anymore. and he never tries to initiate sex with me anymore. the few times that i do it to him, it doesn't seem like he really wants to follow up on it. i feel like he's much more into superficial things. i honestly don't think it has to do with him not interested in me, i honestly think he's too out of shape to make the effort to sweat. and while i mostly forgive him for it, i still feel this empty longing most of the time. i DO feel disappointed when he doesn't seem to want to have sex with me. and i don't think he realizes that. but i guess the truth of why i don't address the issue with him is that i hate long sex and i don't want it to turn into something like that. basically, i don't want to tell him i want better sex, and then he makes the effort to give me better sex that i don't think i would enjoy.
and there's another thing bothering me. i don't think i'm that sexually attracted to him. i know how that makes me sound, just plain awful, but i just don't know how to explain beyond that. and i guess i don't really mean thsoe words in how people say it, but just that i don't feel very horny for him all the time, and i honestly hardly ever feel like doing those kinds of things with him. (yes, i know i'm contradicting my previous paragraph). i can't help but compare how i used to be with eric. if i was ever horny and sexually attracted to someone it was eric. i didn't ever even have sex with him and i didn't mind, and he didn't make me come once... hmm it just suddenly dawnd on me that maybe that's why. but i don't think so, c doesn't make me come half the time, but i don't really feel horny. me and eric used to do stuff like 2 or 3 times a week. i wonder if any of this is related to myself emotionally. i've been just an empty vessel ever since my first year at college. i wonder if that's what's effecting me.
you know what i really wonder about sometimes. what it would've been like if i had sex with chris. i know- there's a name i hadn't brought up or thought about in awhile. chris was the only guy i ever dated that openly wanted to have sex and was pretty much a bad boy that wanted to get dirty (ha-ha) with me. the thing is i never really felt horny for chris either. and i know if i ever were to have sex with him, when i was younger or now, it would've been meaningless. and if i were detach myself of having a relationship, i kinda wonder if i would be having empty-vessel-sex with him. the kind of sex that means absolutely nothing to me, but the kind of sex that i would want to have just because i could with someone. and that someone could invaraibly be interchangable with anyone. at least anyone that i knew i wouldn't end up wanting to be with. i think i sometimes draw myself up in these fanciful ideas. most people dream, i dream of myself being emptier than i am.
but i think a part of me doesn't want that. why else would i desperately wish that c would show interest in me sometimes? i sometimes wish he wouldn't be so scared of my approval, that when i went to see him, he'd be so enamoured of me that he'd push me against the wall and tore of my clothes (well maybe not litarly), and just took me right there. but he would never do that, and i think i'm sometimes scared that if he were, i wouldn't be able to respond to him anyway. i don't think sex is complicated at all. i know it's just me that's crazy. i want him to want me, but i'm scared i'll reject him if he does. i wish i liked sex more-- i wonder where the fault lies in that?