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@ 3:30 p.m.
god i dont want to think about or read what it is that i said last night. i'm feeling almost completely better now that i got sleep and it's been a new day. and compared to yesterday, it's been mediocre so far, but i think getting some sleep really helped me feel better. in retrospect, i wonder if this is what htey call PMS. i'd like to believe i've never experienced such a thing, because i'm usually not irrational or irritable, not like that. but i don't know what else to call what i felt last night, considering i was on my period. maybe it was also the alcohol, i really don't know, but i'm glad it's over.
now that i've decided that i want to be with c, it seems like my life has gotten more complicated, not less. like, there's the fact that c's not rich enough that we could get married any time soon. and not to mention where will c be getting his money for usc (if he gets in).. and if he doesn't get in, wth would c be doing all day? and he's bad with finding a job, so i don't know how he'll find one.. questions like these are also never ending...
so on another note, turns out today c's mom went bat shit crazy again, and this time worse than ever, and now c is utterly convinced that he has to move out, and time to move out now. i am not against this, because my situation actually wouldn't be so horribly difficult if i was forced to move. after all, i do have a job, and i can't imagine that paying for rent would completely destroy me. but i have to admit, taking out an extra ~$500 a month would be annoying, but on the other hand, it'd be great to live on my own for once, paying for my own shit, etc etc. who knows. of course, with c's mom, you never know when she decides that she's "sane" again, and c decides he can't exactly move out just yet because ie he has no money etc. honestly, if he's so desperate about it, he should find a fucking job and save up money to be moving out now, but instead he's gonna count on his fasfa money. and while there is a lot of it that he's getting, that shit is not a reoccuring source of income. i'm kind of reminded of eric now, i don't think he would've cared what job he got, so long as he was able to get the fuck out of where he was. (actually i wonder if he's still living at home or what's going on with him...) maybe that's kind of a bad thing, but at least it's somethign. c frustrates me so much in that he won't settle for less, but he doesn't quite try enough for more... so he just never jumps. but sooner or later, he's gonna get pushed. i just hope he finds some way to make it over there, no matter if he decides to settle for less or reach for more. i'm a bit tired of the way things are... but i guess it's not for me to decide it's time to change, when it's a group decision. god, where would we live? i can't stand the idea of living too far away from work, and i don't look forward to the idea that i would have to wake up earlier than i am now. i'm not sure there are many people as lucky as i am to be living 10 minutes away from work...