345
@ 4:48 p.m.
so... not much time to write per usual and still can't remember half the things i want to write about, so that will help making this entry short so that i can get on to doing other things i need to do. so yesterday when i mentioned that dream, actually there was something else i felt besides no regret over what happened, and i've been desperately trying to figure out what exactly happened, but i really can't remember anymore :/ and as i write, i'm starting to forget the dream completely, as if i had just imagined the whole thing, like i do with writing stories or something. i wonder if that dream would in part somehow make a good story? and speaking of which, i haven't worked on my stories at all... but hopefully that will change as fucking ro is finally off this extra exp week, and maybe i can go back to not spending practically all my spare time on it.
anyway, i was thinking yesterday, how much more wonderful, great and awesome life would be if we lead an alternate life in our dream selves. like, i wish i could go back to that nameless guy, and i wish i could talk to him again. maybe i'm saying this because i feel like i really don't get much out of my life. and that maybe if i had "another life" in my dreams that i could live vicariously. but i suppose upon another reflect, if i had an alternative life, i'm sure that i could just as much get tired of that one as i am in real life. maybe that's what's so great about dreams is that they're one time things. that you'll never meet those people again. and we do irrational things in dreams, and maybe that's so great too. but i suppose if i "lived" in my dreams, it'd pretty much be living eventually. i guess i just want to go back to that guy again. even if it's once more. why am i so obsessed over him now?
on a totally different note, so i told you c got me pineapples for my birthday. one of them went bad... it made me feel absolutely terrible, because first of all, the pineapples was delicious (the one that wasn't bad), and secondly i felt this need to eat it anyway, as if it would make it feel not wasted, but while i ate it, it really didn't taste that good.. tasted kind of weird, and i'm pretty sure it went bad, which only made me feel worse because first of all i was eating something not so pleasant, secondly i was wasting his present, and thirdly i tried not to waste the present by eating it but because i felt gross eating it, it just reaffirmed the fact that i had wasted it.
i still have some of it left, and i'll probably eat most of it even if it has gone bad. isn't that terrible that i wouldn't enjoy it really but i feel the need to eat it or it would be a waste? but the truth is that the damage is already done. it has already gone bad, and i could eat it but i'd know that i'd had wasted it.
i feel really bad about it. i keep telling myself, it's just a fucking pineapple, but fuck i shouldn't have been so stupid. i was originally gonna share some with c, but now that this happened i'll just tell him it was about to go bad so i ate them all. oh and that's another thing i feel bad about- i wanted to eat it with him together! at least let him have once piece. maybe to let him know that it was sweet and delicious so he wouldn't feel insecure at it, but now that's out of the picture. i suppose though, that i actually am pretty sure he won't be bothered that he didn't get to try some. i dont think he cared that he won't have any, and i wouldn't be surprised if he was never planning on having any. i have to actually wonder if he'll remember about the pineapples at all unless i brought it up. even though i think he wouldn't make a big deal out of it, it's REALLY bothering ME
god i must sound so retarded... writing so much about a fucking pineapple.