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@ 3:23 p.m.
WOW... so for the first time in weeeeeks, since chingy has left, i'm finally writing an entry at work because i have spare time. i know, that's crazy. it's because the people in china are having their chinese new year, so like half of the emails i usually get are gone, and really, not too much to do around here... which is SO AWESOME, i don't know when this will happen again. next week, when chinese new year is over, it's gonna be fucking busy as hell again, i just know it.
so, last night went to the gym as usual, official weight is now at 162 lbs. i'm really excited and kind of nervous at the same time, i haven't weight 162 since either my first or second year of college (well over 2 + years ago), and i can't wait to drop down below 160lb! i haven't weight at ~155lb since high school! i'm alittle anxious though, because i'd imagine that after a certain point, losing the weight is going to get harder and harder, and i wonder when that point will be. i really hope it's not soon, because i've still got so much weight to lose before i get to my target weight.
i've been really thinking lately that i would LOVE to write in here everyday. every time i'm off diaryland, i keep thinking that there's this i need to write about and that, and so forth, and by the time i have time to write, i etiher forget it all or don't find it mentionable anymore. but then later on when i'm away from diaryland, i'll keep recalling things that i should've written/wanted to write about, hence it'd be nice to write everyday, but god my schedule is so busy as it is, i don't think that i should.
so as to the last few letters... i guess i finally decided to post it up here. the reason i didn't before was ebcause well, i got tired, if you couldn't tell, even then i was a little behind on putting the post up on time, and eventually the inbox was a bit of a mess so i couldn't tell who wrote what in what order, and i was too lazy to fix it, and then he wrote me that email and i think i was generally hurt and almost felt like a part of my hope had been destroyed. so i guess i just tried not to think about it so much... but on friday, one of my penpals wrote to me and asked me how me and c met, and eventually i poured out the story of c and exbf#4 (remember him? eck./entry#243), by the end of it, i was feeling depressed and couldn't help but see some resemblence between that situation and this one between c and jeff. so i ended up reading the email he wrote me and the one i wrote to him. and actually, when i read my email, it literally brought a tear to my eye, and i had thought then what it would be like if i had just decided to stop dating c, and then fly all the way to london, meet jeff and date him. i didn't even care about the fact that he was dating this new chick. i bet he would be willing to dump her for me, after all i'm willing to fly thousands of miles to be with him and give up my life in the US. i was literally thinking of moving there permantely. it sounds so romantic in its own way. i mean forget about the whole moving to a new country to try to get back with your first love that you've wondered about what could've been, but just think about the fact that i could start all over. that appeals to me so much. i know i'm such a mess here that i could never fix myself, but i wonder what it would be like to skip all of that, and just forget my past completely and just start all over? wouldn't that be great. and i'm not saying i would do it, that i'm still thinking about doing it now, because i'm not, really. because the truth is that i can't do it. i'm not willing to leave c. and in the past, i think i've stated that i don't want to leave c because i'm scared he'll be sucidal and that he needs me, but now i realize that it's not really all that much true. i'm sure he'd be compeltely devasted and depressed without me, but i can't say that i wouldn't feel the same. i am SO COMFORTABLE with him that it's unimaginable living without him.
this kind of leads me to believe that maybe jeff isn't the problem after all. maybe he represents something else that i really want. the problem is that i just can't really figure it out. and i really want to passionate about c, but more and mroe, i think i'm realizing that it's the simple fact that i'm not passionate in general about anything.
i might as well tell you this because it's probably more interesting than anything else i've written. that night that c came to visit me that last time i wrote, we ended up driving to a dark area and ended up having sex in the backseat of his car. i didn't think i'd feel comfortable forcing myself to do something like that.. forcing passion to be there when i didn't really feel it. but i didn't really mind once it had started going. and i'v been giving c excuses for the past months and months and months about how i've never liked doing that kind of stuff because i always feel like someone may be around, either watching us or eventually sneaking up on us so that we'd get caught and then that would be embarrasing. and well, i'm sure there were other excuses that i always laid out there, but i thought to hell with it and gave it a shot. if i have to be honest, the sex was really good, and in a way more enjoyable than having sex on the bed at home. it felt wild and free and.. nice. it was VERY reminiscent to how i felt about doing things with eric. and it had that same type of fun. but i couldn't help but notice and realize that as soon as it was pretty much over, i was no longer that person anymore. i was back to the old me that didn't really want to have sex in the backseat, even though i had just admitted to myself that it was damn enjoyable. i can't help but notice that i'm just that lacking in passion.
OK- i have to get going. maybe i'll try harder to write everyday, beacuse honestly, there's a few other things i want to write about but i don't have the time now because i'm leaving. and i'm sure there's stuff i want to write about that i can't even remember at the moment.