Tuesday Sep 15 12:52am (12)
@ 5:06 p.m.
Hiya.
Thanks for emailing me back. I'm sorry for the way I sounded last night. I'm sure my message probably portrayed the way I was feeling, maybe a little too well. I almost didn't want to email you back actually, because knowing myself, I would check my inbox more often hoping to see you write back, but I think there are a few things I would really like to say.
First, I really want to thank you for that letter. And I'm glad I decided to finally write to you and tell you how I felt. Your letter was probably exactly what I needed to hear. I think that I'm just an unhappy person going nowhere and not sure really what the fuck it is that I'm doing. Because of this, and because of my personality I think about the past an awful lot-- I would consider it a bad addiction almost if that could be considered an addiction. Although I am in a lot of pain and am extremely sad, I really don't think the majority of it is because of you. Sure you play a role, but I think I'm just more sad about how everything turned out, which leads to the whole looking at the past thing. Mind you, it's not really regret, but more of a longing for the past.
I just want you to know that, when it comes to love, you have been the only person that I have loved in purest of all love. I was completely innocent and unguarded, and you captured my heart completely. What I have felt for you, I have never been able to feel again. Even though I don't think highly of myself, I really hope that I did something good, or rather it makes me feel that maybe I've done something good, even remotely small to deserve this type of love from someone like you. I have to admit that hearing that you say you fell in love with someone else made me a little bit jealous. Before, I felt special to you and I knew you thought I was special. But hearing what you said made me feel like maybe I wasn't so special after all. But you know it really doesn't matter. It's enough for me to know that at least I was special to you once upon a time. Maybe that's all I deserve. I know I couldn't ask for more anyway. And really, I was lucky enough to know who you were at least in one part of your lifetime. Because the person that you are now, I don't know you whatsoever. And the things you said to me, I knew you would've never said to me some years back. I can tell from just the way you spoke that you were over me. And I think it's a good thing. And it really helped me to realize how little I really know you. I really feel that sadly the person I fell in love with is gone, but just having been with that person once in my whole life... well, I've probably loved you deeply enough to last me my entire lifetime, and that's all I could really ask for. I think that the love I'm looking for now, even you couldn't give it to me anymore. I'm pretty sure that I've hurt you too much for it to happen, such as the phone call you mentioned. It seemed like you were bitter and trying to hide the fact that you were bitter. I really can't do much about that anymore. What can I say? I was 14 years old, what did I know. But I mean, even now I'm pretty much still a jerk most of the time. It sucks that humans are so capable of remembering things that hurt as so much better than things that that make us happy. That's why I know that no matter what I say now, it won't change that painful memory for you. At most, I just hope that you think about better things that have happened between us.
For the record, I was not with * in 2004, when that letter was written. At the time, I wasn't with anyone. Actually, at that time I was being a generally terrible person, and kind of a whore. I was messing around with my ex that I had not completely gotten over even though he had a girlfriend. However, I hated his girlfriend, so that was my justification @_@. I was actually really infatuated with him for awhile, but I wasn't really with anyone. And I knew that me messing around with him wouldn't become anything more than that. So that's why I'm so puzzled as to why I didn't really respond to your letter. I guess I must've been more infatuated with him than I thought. How silly that is though, because he's a complete asshole. Honestly... who knows what would've happened if you did visit me that summer. I pretty much stopped speaking to him in May-ish that year, and then it wasn't until November that I had my next boyfriend (not * either). But I won't try to think about what if's anymore. And knowing me, I probably would've found some way to fuck something up. u_u Ahh.. sorry if I'm being too negative about myself, I hope it doesn't get too annoying. I have a friend who is soooo negative it's really irritating. I'll try to stop that then..
As to the future, you sound so sure we'll meet, but I think out of everything that I've been sure about regarding us, I think meeting is one of the least things I'm sure about. But I mean, with the things are, I'm not so sure it's even a good idea to meet. Because I'm sure that no matter how much I'm really over you, I don't think I ever completely could, and I don't want to complicate things more than I already have, lol. And I don't know if this makes any sense, but I feel like the person I would be meeting isn't really the guy I fell in love with. If anything, I would be meeting a stranger, which is pretty much what we've become now. I mean, from your brief summary of the past few years, I was really in shock at how little I knew you.
With all of that said, I don't blame you if you're too busy to have time for me. I don't expect you to make time for me, and I don't want you to make time for me really. If you honestly want to write me do it when your schedule slows down. Just don't write to me anymore if you can't even give me an hour of your time. Even now I'm always really happy when I receive a letter from you, and like I said, I don't want to be that person checking my email constantly, hoping to be happy, but ending up disappointed. So really, don't reply to this. It would only mislead me into thinking that you might be able to write back often.
And lastly.. Have you ever heard of the movie called The Notebook? It's kinda an old movie, but great nonetheless and much better than the book in my opinion. Anyway, there's a letter that Noah writes to Allie that I absolutely love because it's exactly how I feel about you. If you've seen this movie, I think it's pretty obvious what I'm talking about.
I hope the best for you, and for you to have everything you wish for. And most of all I hope all your dreams come true enough for the both of us. I hope that in my next lifetime I will be lucky enough to be your wife.
Love,
****
"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah."