Monday Sept 14 3:22pm (11)
@ 5:04 p.m.
[Hmmm, i guess i deserved that email and those words from you. I suppose it doesn't matter to you anymore, but here is my reply nonetheless, whether or not you want to read it. I'm sorry that i let you down, and that i can't live up to your expectations. I'm not going to vent on you because you don't deserve that, but know that i am working like the proverbial salary man, getting up around 6am, and coming back around 9pm for these last 2 months. It's not fun.
I hope all is well with you. Here is what i wrote before i read your most recently email. Take care. I'm going to bed.]
Heya ****,
Thanks for the email reminder, as soon as i saw your name on the email this morning, i knew i had forgotten something important... I read your letter on the same day i sent my last email to you, and i had a lot to think about and notes to jot down before i could write a proper reply on Sunday (i've never written notes for a reply before!) When it came to Sunday... I forgot. I have no idea how nor why (i wasn't exactly busy, just slept literally the whole day yesterday to catch up on sleep), so i have no excuse. It wasn't out of any spite nor intention to keep you waiting. I haven't read your most recent email, but i can guess what will be in it. I'll reply to that once i reply to your letter.
As you wrote in your letter, we've known each other for nine or ten years now, so i feel that whatever i write in response to your email should be completely truthful... not that i wasn't truthful before! I mean that i won't try to skirt around anything... Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, i don't know yet! But whatever the response, know that it's what i really feel.
Now, where to start on the reply... you wrote a lot! haha
Ah, i know where to start. Thank you. Your letter is beautiful and it really did bring a tear to my eye in some places and a dry throat in others. Really, thank you. I need to think of a good place to keep it, so that i can read your letter again once in a while.
You wrote that you had been thinking about me on or off for the past year or two. For me, before i went to Japan, i think i thought about you perhaps once every two weeks, whether that be your name popping into my head, or something or other would remind me of you. I don't think that it was on or off for me (which is what you felt about me it seems), i think the feelings never stopped at that time. Since i've been back from Japan however, this has lessened to an extent i think, i'll come onto what might be the reason later on.
However, this has definitely affected me; I don't know whether you're trying to find a grand answer to your questions as soon as possible in this email, so i'll start off with your main question now, "Do you still believe in us?" I think, before leaving for Japan, i would have said "Yes, i still believe in us." At this very moment, right now, i just don't have that same feeling. I wrote earlier that i would be truthful to you, whether that'd be good or bad, and even though it hurts me to say this (and especially since i've read your letter over for a second time now, taking everything in) but i honestly don't think i could look into your eyes and say "I still believe in us."
Without any doubt, without even thinking about it, i *know* that i will always care for you, and think about you however long (or short) my life will be from now on, and you will always hold a special place in my heart, but at this very moment, i don't think i can think about us as we were before. We would have to meet and start all over again from scratch.. although, honestly, i don't think that that's a bad thing as nine years is a long time, especially since that was when we were 13-15 and now we're 22-24.
I don't know if you'll be interested in reading the rest of my email, but i'd like to respond to the rest of your letter as best as i can.
I can't actually believe that your mum has mentioned marriage to you..., i mean, seriously!?! You're only 22 years old (heck, i'm only 24 and i'm sure i won't be marrying at least for another 5 years at the earliest!). I have no idea how you think time is running out for you (whether that's regarding myself, or just about yourself), you still have so *so* much time in life. Actually, i guess it's pretty hypocritical of me to say "you're too young!" and "don't rush into marriage!" because er, i was seriously thinking about marriage to someone else before.
This next tangent of a paragraph does eventually have a point! But just to warn you in advance that it'll kinda tangent out somewhere and ramble on, you know how i'm like... Anyway! I mentioned just above that i was thinking about marrying someone else. Let's start back from when we broke up because that seems as good a point as anywhere. You wrote that you want to know why we ended and why we didn't get back together. You broke up with me, and i still remember one time where i really want to get back together with you (possibly a couple of weeks after we broke up), and called you, and you were really cold and generally quite mean. I remember crying over the phone and you were pretty callous about it. You put me on hold to talk to someone else for 30 minutes. I hung up after the 30 minutes, still on hold, and promised never to talk to you again.
Obviously, sometime later in the future, things picked up. In fact, i would still like to think now that we're pretty good friends. But i think we never got back together for various reasons, either you were dating someone and you seemed happy, or i was dating someone and so on! I think you put it best on that Diary-X (i think that's the website) blog we had where "When one person is looking back, the other person is walking away".
The last letter i wrote to you was in 2004, my first year of uni, and i believe that during that time, i would have willingly gotten back together with you. On the other hand, from what i can remember (my memory is a little hazy since it was 5 years ago), i think you were just dating *? I think you were happy with him at the time so i didn't want to spoil things and make things messy again. Whether that means that i didn't fight for you, you can decide, but i don't want to be *that* person whom breaks up relationships
in order to date a girl.
After that, i think things between us were pretty quiet. I was going through the motions in uni not really finding a girl that i really liked that compared much to you. And i believed you to be pretty happy back in America. In my final year of uni, i met a girl called /// who was my first serious relationship since yourself way back in 2000 (gosh, a long time ago), and things were really great between us. We were really happy, but then i got accepted to go to Japan and it was something i could not refuse, if i turned it down, i knew i would regret it for the rest of my life, so i went to Japan and we broke up. She had had a bad experience before in long-distance relationships, and me, well, you know us last time! I wasn't thinking about marriage, but i thought that we could have had a great relationship lasting for a few years, such as yourself and *. I think at the last moment, i wanted a long distance relationship, but she wouldn't have any of that.
In Japan, i met a girl called xxxx and we dated for 2 years in Japan. I really did fall in love with this girl, and i was devastated by the time i had to leave Japan. I seriously wanted her to come back with me to England we could marry. She thought about marriage too, and visited England for a few weeks also. But in the end.. she changed her mind (for whatever reasons), and we broke up in April this year (eight months long distance).
I'm currently seeing someone else and i'm happy with her. Comfortable. But i know it'll never work it out long term (she intends to go to France within 2 years, and i don't want another long distance relationship). But the thing is, i'm still not over my last girlfriend (heck, it took me well over 3-4 years to get over you fully) and keep thinking about what if she stayed here and we married.
Now, that leads me back to your question, "Do you still believe in us?" and the reason for my answer. At this moment, i think i may still be in love with my ex-girlfriend, or at least not over her, and so i can't answer "Yes" to your question. Even if i were 100% over my ex, i don't know whether the answer would be "Yes" because, well, to be completely honest, i can't see myself ever getting into another long distance relationship with anyone else anymore. I've had two pretty bad break ups over long distance relationships with two girls i've been in love with. For me, that's enough heartache. If we were to get back together again, it'd have to be in person where i could see you, touch you and hear your voice. Hence i feel that we would have to "start over" in a way if we got back together. Though i honestly believe that we would get on really really well in person.
"The truth is that i still really want to meet you. I just don't know if the circumstances allow for it."
Don't be silly. There are no circumstances on this, there is *always* the possibility of us meeting. In fact, it's not really "if", the problem is *when* we will meet and when is a good time! I don't know where, nor when it would happen, but i have absolutely no doubt in my mind that we will meet. There are planes, telephones, emails, and it's fairly easy to live in a foreign country for a few months... all the signs point to us meeting. We just have to, right?!?
I can't really respond very well to the rest of your letter. I've tried to answer some of your questions in the long rambling paragraphs above but it's probably not enough, and for that i'm sorry. To put it philosophically, i don't know if we can ever go back to how we were, but i believe that there may be something in the future, something... 'different' (if i can say that)? Or maybe 'fresh' yet familiar as i think we've both changed and grown since nine years ago. Does that even make sense? Hmm i don't know. However, i do know one thing, even if we never got back together again, and we had happy lives away from each other, i know that i would never ever take back what i had or experience with you; the good and the bad. We had such an amazing thing, one of the most perfect things i have ever experienced (at this moment, i can't really think of anything else that compares right now haha...) and it changed my life. For the better.
You feel that life is like making the best out of a situation rather than happiness huh? No, there is nothing wrong with that outlook, everyone's view on life is different! Then again, how do you know that dreaming of a happiness after ten years might never happen? It might not be with me, but it could very well be with someone else, be that * or another person you have yet to meet. Life is funny like that sometimes. Even if you don't believe life is about happiness, don't give up on happiness. I'm sure there's always a way to find your happy ending.
My view on life isn't about happiness either...although it'd be nice to have a happy life, right? haha... I may have mentioned this to you before, but i try to base my view on life as "Live life with no regrets." I don't regret how my life has turned out, i'm glad i went to my uni, and i'm glad for meeting all the friends i made in my life (to date), and i'm glad i went to Japan for two years and all the experiences there. I don't regret doing any of these things whatsoever. I'm sure as heck that i don't regret ever knowing you, it's one of the best things to have happened in my life. Life could always be easier, be better, or be happier, but i don't regret my life. That's how i like it to be.
Finally, about me never being on MSN anymore, that's not just with you. Ever since i left for Japan, i have not been on MSN nor Skype at all. I may have used MSN for about 10 minutes over the past year (to talk with my ex, ///, from uni last time, but we don't talk anymore). There is no reason why i don't use it anymore, i just... don't. It's not a slight on you on anyone else, i've just stopped with it.
Now, let me read your most recent message that you sent this morning...
*10 minutes later*
Hmmm, i guess i deserved that email and those words from you. I suppose it doesn't matter to you anymore, but here is my reply nonetheless, whether or not you want to read it. I'm sorry that i let you down, and that i can't live up to your expectations. I'm not going to vent on you because you don't deserve that, but know that i am working like the proverbial salary man, getting up around 6am, and coming back around 9pm for these last 2 months. Then again, i can't blame you since you've waited for some time, take care of yourself.