Sunday Sep 13 11:08pm (10)
@ 5:03 p.m.
Hi.
I REALLY, REALLY wish that this email could be short, but I already know that it won't be. I wanted to give you a couple more days before I wrote anything, but after just now, I don't think I can wait, and in any case, what I'm gonna be writing now would've been completely different from what I would've said had I decided to give you a few more days to respond.
I finally found my old journals and I've reread a lot of it, and I reread every letter that you've written me by paper... and I feel so stupid for not keeping better care. I reread the letter that I recently wrote to you and I started crying. Isn't that weird that I could write it as if I'm so calm but reading it could cause me to sob so hard? God, I still meant every single word that I wrote in there. And looking back on everything you wrote from before, I feel like this must've happened in a lifetime. How did my feelings change so fast? Was it all just a sweet dream? Why did I have to wake up? I feel like maybe the person that I've been in love with doesn't exist anymore. I'm so completely sad and distraught. I totally and completely feel like we were a complete lie, like maybe we never happened, maybe we just young and stupid and said dumb things, and me i'm just completely crazy. i must be so insane. i'm so mad at you. why don't you write? you made it sound like i was the whole world, the whole universe, and now you can't spare an hour of your time in a week to write me back. am i stupid for thinking of you. or do i just mean nothing to you anymore. am i patiently waiting like a retard? did you know that when we were dating, i used to try to rush home everyday (around 11pm for you) to try to even simply say "hi" to you. but you were NEVER on once. even though you say you cared about me then, i never understood why you couldn't stay up a little bit late to want to talk to me. and i feel like you're doing the same thing there. if you even care about me a little, or consider me even a little, you would've responded with something already. i don't understand how you can claim to say you care me, or how i make any difference in your life.. clearly, i'm not even a part of your life really and what would it matter if i didn't even exist. i can't even get you to write a fucking email back to me.
i'm so stupid ____, saying these dumbass things. what does anything matter anymore. i just wanted a fucking answer, but now i feel like it doesn't even matter. even if you did want to be with me, it's not like you could make the time for it. i just feel so goddamn stupid. i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish.
i didn't want to write a long email because i know that if i do, it'd mean that you'd have to write a proper reply. i don't want a fucking proper. i just want an answer. just type what the fuck any of this means in 2 sentences.
i want to say so much more to you, but i feel liek it either doesn't matter, or it probbaly isn't anything you want to hear anyway. but then again, why should it matter you don't have fucking time for me. i hate writing to you like this. i feel so fucking pathetic. i'm tired of chasing. if you want me to leave you alone i can. and i don't want to wait for you email and i'm tired of feeling disappointed. i don't need to bring confusion into your life anyway. i don't want to be that type of person hoping, waiting, wanting, wishing. i'm already pathetic enough.
just give me my two sentences.