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@ 9:47 p.m.
i figure i might as well add an entry while i'm here waiting for c. for the first time in a long ass time i'm actually not writing at work. c's supposed to be coming over so he can give me my birthday present, and then we'll do whatever... and i really don't know what whatever will entail.
i realize that a part of me really doesn't feel like seeing c. i really just want to be left alone. i don't even know what i really feel like doing to be honest, but i just know i'd rather go to bed and be left alone. does that make me horrible? and does it make me seem like this really bad person? i can't help how i feel i guess. when i think about it, even when i am at c's i don't really do anything with him. the more i think about it, the more i don't understand anything.
when i was with eric, we never did ANYTHING, yet we went out so much and we had so much fun. what happened to me being like that? not only do i not get naughty in the back seat of a car, i don't have any inkling to want to try. am i just not attracted to c, or is it just me? if i have to be honest, i really do think that c is attractive, i've always thought so, but i suppose he was no eric for me either. i don't exactly know what that's supposed to mean, but just that i think i fell in love with eric and his personality at first sight, and i never had that experience with c. yes, i do find him attractive, but me and c argue a lot because we have so much different opinions... it's not like yelling arguing, but there's always disagreement, and i always end up feeling so frustrated. i never felt that way with eric. and eric and i, we really, REALLY didn't do anything. everything about us was sexual and fun. and maybe that's what falling in love is... i really don't think i'm in love with c. i hate comparing anybody to that asshole eric, but i know what i felt for him was there...
well, c's here so i guess i have to cut this really short... a lot shorter than i would have liked... i'll write soon. i hope.